Finally confronted H on affair...Now what????

[keep_going]

BklynM -

Thanks for the advice. I agree with a lot of what you say. Yes to coming over on T and TH and being loving cooperative and accepting. I knew that was probably the answer, but having re-assurance helps. Thanks also for the tips on being busy and fabulous when he comes over. I have been doing this for some time now and will keep doing so.

I had not thought about the negotiating approach as controlling, so thanks for pointing it out. I agree and besides, I really have no leverage anyways and won't achieve anything positive by trying to negotiate. I am letting go of the fact that OW is already part of my kids' lives. H has already lied about it and opposing to it will just enhance an already bad situation.

You mentioned that maybe OW and I are similar because of the pet name reference. I think that probably was originated by my H... But even if not, I really don't think we are so similar. To my H, one of her greatest appeals is that she is always happy and "even though her life is tough, she chooses not to get upset about it." I acknowledge that for years, I have not only not been a fun person to be with, but have been negative and well - simply put - a downer.

So I am really listening to what H says about OW, because it gives me an indication of what I am NOT doing for him or giving him. So I have been working hard since he left to appear happy and upbeat and more positive when I am with him. He can see this. I laugh with my kids, we sing and dance together and I am focusing on not criticizing or saying negative comments. I try to see the positive in things and comment about even small things that give me pleasure and be thankful for everything I have.

OTOH, my H who was always positive, upbeat and incapable of even saying a fib, is now very critical of people, situations and of course, very quick to lie. Somehow the tables have turned a bit. It's sad for me to see him like this. I sometimes wonder if he is going thru a MLC.

Thanks again for the support!