Well we've had a pretty good week all in all. Other than not being able to share a bed or much in the way of her extending any affection. We've had some good conversations, avoiding any relationship or divorce talk.
Daily, hourly, coping is a drag. I'm trying, fairly unsuccessfully to focus on work and on the kids. It's just weird though when she is there constantly inside my head with a world of conversations and interactions whirling around my head like a hurricane.
The big cope was dreading yesterday through this Sunday. She is on trip for a conference, delivering goods from our business and also visiting friends, one of which has a son quarterbacking the state championship basketball game. So lots of fun in store for her and I supported her on doing this trip from the moment she mentioned it. The downside is that game is being played in the same town where her EA friend lives. Guts tied in knots but I know there's nothing I can do about it. I've also made the decision it's not a deal breaker. Too much time, too much of a future, and the love of my children having a family is way too important. Never-the-less, hard not to have my thoughts wander in that direction.
Here's another kicker. Wednesday evening while getting ready, I started thinking about the roads and such as we're having winter storms pretty much statewide. I made sure she had her AAA card and then early yesterday morning before she left I asked her if she would keep me updated on her progress to let me know road conditions, and that's she safe. She said of course. As I readied the kids for school and helped her load the car, the kids were asking for their 2nd and 3rd hugs and having some fun with that. Just before she left I couldn't hold back any longer and said I needed my second hug also (never got my first). She was smiling and said of course. As we embraced, she actually lead with her lips as if to give me a kiss. Since I was headed to her shoulder for the hug, i noticed it a second too late, but decided to just ignore it. The she says to me "Thank you for letting me do this" Odd in its own right because we never think of each other "letting" the other do something. So I said so, I said I'm not letting you do any thing. She said "Well I'm shirking my responsibilities" I'm thinking kids here, but these trips aren't rare and she knows how well we get along in her absence. But I responded with "you also have a responsibility to yourself" and she look away slightly and said "I know". I looked at her and said "you know I've always supported you on this stuff, and I always will" She said "I know" and we embraced again. She finished packing and on her way.
After dropping the kids off at school and heading back home (I work from my home office) I felt oddly quite good. But for some reason it didn't seem to be just our interaction but maybe just that she was gone for a while. I thought about it all day and am not really sure which it was, likely both.
It's still hard and i'm fluctuating hourly, but that whole entire interaction and my feelings is really strange. I want so much to hope something is changing, but I know she doesn't change her mind so easily. So taking something away from that is so hard when I'm scared to make assumptions.
Trying really hard not to think about her stay tonight. And I'll be glad when this weekend is over. Then/Now also stressing about our very first (20+ years) thanksgiving apart. That's a whole other post.
