wife won't admit PA with OM

[Accuray]

Jake,

This debate is great. For me, I tried to keep it simple -- what do you want, do you want your W back and your M to go forward, or do you want to get the truth from your W and an apology? You *may* be able to get both, but pretend you can't, which one is more important?

Here's why I ask: W has offered you an olive branch. You have the chance to press the "reset" button. If you *really* want that to work, you have to forgive and forget, and jump in the deep end with both feet -- wipe the slate clean. Continuing to pursue "the truth" will only continue to foster bad feelings and push you apart. You can tell W you'd like the truth, you can tell her it will make you feel better. If she chooses to provide it, *and* you want your marriage to go forward, then you give her the benefit of the doubt, accept her account, and move forward, even if it doesn't square with what you think you know.

If your goal is to save your M and get your W back, that's how you do it.

Have you been disrespected? Yes. Does that hurt our pride? Yes. Do you need to continue to be disrespected going forward by accepting what has happened to you? NO. Going forward, you can set boundaries and ensure that you are NOT disrespected, but the past cannot be undone.

Pursuing the apology and doing the forensic analysis on what happened, or attempting to shame your wife pushes her away, plain and simple.

Lots of people here say that the wayward spouse *needs* to apologize, to acknowledge what they've done, to accept responsibility, and to admit their disrespect.

You know what? They don't have to do that at all. They can walk instead, and often times they do! This attitude is "little boy" talk from "Hold Onto Your N.U.T.S.".

That's why it comes down to *what do YOU want?*

Our wayward spouses actions are definitely disrespectful. When they do them, however, they are already checked out! You are not part of the equation at that point, it's all about them. Therefore, they are not willfully disrespecting you, they're just not thinking about you at all.

Now, your W is offering to re-engage with you. Will you give her the chance, or is your pride more important?

That's a hard question for most of us -- what do YOU want?

Accuray