Peicing and hoping I'm doing the right thing.

[FreeBird0120]

MZ thanks so much for your response. And thank your H for answering that question. All I can pray for is that my husband will get to the point your H did, and realize what he has. I mean he is trying very hard, but for some reason I just can't put full faith in his efforts yet.

I still have not and will not bring up OW, but I have to say that there are those days where I just want to throw in the towel. Some days it's so hard to even look at my H. As much as I love him, this last 5 months has been agony and torture for me, and there are just days where I question why I'm still enduring so much pain for someone who put me last for so long.

Last night I was a little distant with H as it was one of those days where I was thinking to myself "FB...what are you doing? Why are you allowing this kind of behavior?? Aren't you worth more then being treated in this manner??" I had to put up the stop sign, and get those negative things out or my head. I wasn't cruel or mean to H, just a little distant. He called me quite a few times yesterday for no reason, and then when he got home last night was extremely attentive and loving and affectionate. I didn't push away his attempts, but I could feel myself inside wanting to squirm away from him. I didn't, I was affectionate back, but I just felt wrong about it. I don't know if it's because I know about H and OW sexual conversations that had continued up until D and I left (which was only 2 weeks ago), or if I was just worried that H and OW are still talking and it repulsed me to have him touch me in that manner if this is the case. I don't know for sure like I said whether H and OW are still in contact, but given his track record the last 5 months if they are it wouldn't surprise me...

How do I get past these feelings??