IMO, if you have a guard and your own mother doesn't feel comfortable around him, don't ask. That's unfair to her. Don't ask your W. (I told you.....or was the Ajay,.....that you'd be tempted to use the dogs as the "link" to contact WAW.) Put them in a kennel till you get back. If you are going to own large dogs, then they should not be somebody else's responsibility.
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I was really hoping she'd want to start talking to me regularly again.
You set yourself up for disappointment. Every woman who has had a "disagreement" with her H (without making up) and to the point of lasting more than a day to get over it, knows she can't afford to even speak kindly or have a normal conversation with you (and forget about smiling at you), b/c you H's take it as some kind of "sign" everything is better. Therefore, women who are serious about leaving the M, or those who aren't...but are angry or have issues with the H...feels she has to not be very nice....for this very reason!!! And when the W sees it in his face...then she vows to herself that she'll have to be colder, meaner, or whatever, so you won't get any wrong ideas in your head.
Don't send the card until it has just enough time to arrive on her birthday. If you send it early, that is pressure. You might as well put a want ad in the paper, begging her to come back. Yes, it's that pursuing!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I spoke with my counselor over the phone yesterday about the situation. I needed to reserve a spot at a kennel if I was going to put them there as the Thanksgiving holiday is upon us and they are close to booked. Anyway, he said he felt it would be OK to ask ex wife to swing by and let the dogs out on Friday so long as I kept everything friendly and stopped the conversation once I had an answer from the ex. Anyway, so that's what I did (I hadn't seen your post at the time). The ex seemed glad for the opportunity to come by and told me that she was going out of town for the weekend but could do it after she gets off work. I told her thanks and I'd leave key out, etc. Then I stopped texting her.
A few hours later yesterday afternoon she texted me a picture of her two new dogs and how she'd like for me to see them soon. Nothing definite just that she should bring them by sometime. Next, we made a few jokes, told how our days had been and then I said i was going out for the evening and would talk to her later. There were a few texts of mine to which she had not responded and she responded to those a few minutes later, and then she signed off by saying, "tootles...." Maybe I'm reading too much into it but I got the sense that she was enjoying talking to me and didn't want to stop or was curious as to why i ended the conversation (definitely a 180 for me compared to months past). I really felt we had a good conversation.
However, sandi2, your advice has me wondering. I don't want to get in the "friend zone" which is where I was headed before I blew up at her a month or so ago. I was reading DR again and for one of the goals in step 3 (i think) i wrote down I'd like to talk to her a couple times a week. I know the advice is to let her contact me. I worry that our R is too far gone for me not to be a little more proactive, just to make sure we talk every now and again. I'm worried that if we don't communicate at all, she will think I don't care and will not be able to see any of the changes i've made etc. On the other hand, I worry that my ex is happy to have me as a part of her life, there when she needs me, but free to do as she pleases (which would also explain why she always seems happy to speak to me and responds almost immediately.
On another note, I have my first appointment to speak with a DB coach this afternoon. I'm really hoping to get some situation specific advice because my situation never really seems to fit exactly within the parameters of DB.
Ok, quick update. Thinking about what sandi2 said about not using my dogs as a link to my ex, I called the vet's office and they can board there while I'm gone. Considering that I've already asked my ex to let them out for me, and she said yes, should I now just call her or text her and let her know that I got the problem figured out and she doesn't have to come by? Or should I just leave things the way they are? I know you guys are thinking that I overanalyze every move lol, but I just feel like since we're beginning to have civil conversations again, I don't want to make any wrong moves. Thanks!
Another quick update lol. Hope I'm not posting too much or inundating you guys with too much info. If that's the case, just let me know.
Ok, well I told the ex that I was just gonna board the dogs. She was a bit disappointed at first b/c she wanted to see them but then she moved on and we talked a little bit more. We got to talking about how me taking care of the dogs had made me love them even more. Then, she said that she was sorry for not handling things in the right way. After a bit more talking I said I had to go meet a friend for lunch in order to end the conversation. It seemed like she kind of was willing to talk about relationship stuff but you never can be sure and I didn't want to pressure the conversation or be the one to bring it up. She ended by saying we both did things poorly. That's not necessarily a new step for her but something she hasn't said in a long time. Anyway, I'm hoping that she's been noticing some of my 180s (for example, I was the one to head off relationship talk) and my GAL activities. If nothing else, she's willing to talk some now and that's a start. Can't wait for the DB telephone session this afternoon!
It did go really well. I felt so much better after I got off the phone. Things have been making tiny baby step progress for me and the session helped me to see that more clearly. Also, it is so nice to have someone in your corner who believes in marriage and doesn't think you're crazy to try and make things work. So many times, family and friends, and even therapists, look at you like you are crazy for trying to get back a "broken" relationship. Anyway, I already can't wait for the next session!
On another note, a bit of journaling...
Today I knew that the ex was headed down to Mississippi to see the OM. That made me sad of course, but I took the time to write all of the positive changes (however small) down in my journal and that seems to have helped. Then, I went to pick up the dogs at the vet's and they told me they noticed a small lump on one of my dogs. The cells they pulled from it were a bit abnormal and they're supposed to call me on Monday. That set me back a bit but hopefully it's nothing major. They didn't seem to think so at the vet's office.
To those of you going through the DR steps or something similar, I would certainly recommend taking the time to write down what's working for you and what's not to have as a reference and a reminder of your progress. It's so easy to forget small steps when you are looking at the big goal of getting back together. I really feel like it's helped me to do that today. I'm pulling for all of you!
Maybe I'm reading too much into it but I got the sense that she was enjoying talking to me and didn't want to stop or was curious as to why i ended the conversation (definitely a 180 for me compared to months past). I really felt we had a good conversation.
It's good when a conversation ends on a positive note. Take it as that, and don't make anymore out of it.
I do hope in the future that you wait until you hear advice on what you've asked......before you act on it. Know what I mean? To me, you put yourself in a less attractive view when you asked your W to let the dogs out and then you make app't for them to stay in a kennel. If you have another opportunity with this same situation, I'd suggest that you not ask and just take care of it. That way, it doesn't make you look as if you were using the dogs to find out how she'd respond.
Do you think that her getting new dogs nds like she is nat be her way of replacing your dogs in her life? Maybe, maybe not, but if so....then she's trying to cut one of those emotional cords that ties to you. What once was an excuse to contact you, may disappear. Just be prepared if that is the case.
Have you thought about how you'll handle Christmas and New Years holidays? It can take its toll on the LBS. Make lots of plans and stay busy.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks for the advice. I'll try and wait until hearing back before acting from now on. That was just a situation that came up really quick and I didn't have much time to wait around. As for her getting new dogs, I don't think she gets them to replace the ones I have. She's getting into showing dogs and breeding them and the two newest ones she's getting are to be her breeding stock I guess. The OM does this activity too so that's how they got together. I'd like to talk to her today but don't want to seem like I'm checking up after the weekend. In talking to my DB coach, we decided that it's ok for me to initiate some contact, so long as it stays about 50/50, which was the case last week.
Ok, a bit of an update for the day. Given the advice of my DB coach that it was ok to initiate contact so long as I do it only about 50% of the time, I texted my W after lunch today. We ended up texting for a few hours and sharing some of the fun things each of us had done over the weekend. In a lot of ways, it feels like we each try to one up each other to see who had the most fun lol. I guess that gives me something to do on the weekends. Anyway, the last couple of times we've talked it turned a wee bit sappy toward the end. Rather than engage in that at this point, I just end the conversation. I told her that one of our dogs was going to have to have surgery and she asked if I could schedule it at a time when she was going to be there. I said of course, and that if she wanted she could be there at a different time than me. She said that wasn't necessary and that she didn't mind seeing me and that she "[didn't] hate [me] you know" Then she gave me a smiley face and I just said ok. After a bit she said "you may hate me, though" and I said no, I don't hate you and left it at that. Realizing that I was getting likely to get sappy I felt it best to end the conversation. So I just said, well I gotta go now, hope you have a nice afternoon. She wants to come over tomorrow and check for some cable that goes to her camera and I said that would be fine unless something comes up at work.
So, I guess the ball is back in her court. I'm not going to call her or text unless she initiates contact. If she doesn't in the time before I next talk to my DB coach, then we will discuss it and figure out what to do next.
Thank you all so much for listening and giving me a place just to do a kind of mini journal
