So, now what?

[25yearsmlc]

I am getting therapy on a weekly basis.

He dumped me 3 1/2 years ago. I didn't see him and barely spoke with him for the last half of my pregnancy.

I feel that since we have a child, we have a moral obligation to do the best we can to give her stability and to me,

I can buy that^^^.

the most stability we can give her is to commit to have a relationship that meets most of all of our needs.

NOT TRUE.

For "the record" most of your needs and his, were NOT met by the r you had before. If THEY HAD BEEN, it would have lasted a lot longer. Period.

You cannot bring ANY such stability to THIS R
b/c THIS MAN does not want it, and he is clear about that.

And fwiw, it's NOT RELEVANT that you think a behavior or choice of HIS, is "moral", in that he doesn't care what you think. HE KNOWS how you feel due to pursuit you've demonstrated a lot of.

He feels, if I may presume, that a marriage between people who love and respect and KNOW each other, is his goal and or, is worthy of his children. I'm betting that is what HE wants.

And he doesn't feel it for you. Like the books title says, "He's Just Not That Into You."

You two cannot create that ideal of stability together. You cannot even attempt it, like some long term married couple in crisis might.
The FACTS ARE, he doesn't want a committed r with you. Period. NOT NOW and probably not anytime soon.

Further efforts to deny this reality is detrimental to your well being and imo, to your children's. It's not honest. It's not adaptive to changed circumstances,. or to the realization of the "new" situation (even if it's not "new", the concept is new to YOU that the R is OVER for now).


I am afraid that bringing another man into the picture to meet my needs may cause more problems and complications that it may solve, especially since he really doesn't want me bringing another man into our daughter's lives.


I think most men would not want a woman like me. 45, 3 kids still at home. Very busy being a mother.

I have never experienced a relationship that wasn't hard.

Well this ^^^ says a lot. Unless you are wealthy, (are you?) then frankly, a lot of men are going to be turned OFF by a single needy woman, with 3 kids looking for a daddy figure OR who feel abandoned. All the kids are at home too, so the guy HAS to be in for being a FULL TIME STEP DAD AND HUSBAND all at once.

No wonder the r's have all been hard.

Hey, no one is saying you are not a good catch.

But tell me what you bring to the table for a man who wants a PARTNER in life, not a woman with a few scraps of love and energy left over at the end of her busy day, b/c her first h deserted her and she works full time AND she makes her kids the priority AND....and...

why wouldn't a man choose someone with maybe ONE child at home, or none at home, who wants to have a romanctic relationship with him, as partners FIRST, co-parents second...or better yet, part time parents together since real fathers exist.

IOW some guys feel they are auditioning for the "Best step dad" award and they don't want that role when they are DATING..and they feel guilty when the r's end... SOMETIMES there's too much pressure to make it work b/c they like the kids, and Not the mom so much.

Tough thing to watch, so I'd minimize THAT risk!