So, now what?

[25yearsmlc]

too many things to say. But not in any order, here goes...

KML"s words are wise. Listen to them.

Not to quibble Kml, but I have one reservation about the word "POSITIVE" the R will be permanent. When my h & I were separated and I dated, I asked my MC, a pro marriage guy, about what to tell the kids if I dated and started to really like a guy.

He said "tell them NOTHING until if and when you get 3/4 of the way to believing it might become a committed R or marriage, AND THEN,

you introduce the kids to him AND THE KIDS have veto power..."reasonable veto power."

I believe "reasonable veto" would be based on the kids disliking the man, not getting along with the man, for whatever reason AS LONG AS the reason had some validity, wasn't them being selfish, or them being bigoted, or jealous, OR b/c they still wanted you to reconcile with their biological dad...a man who is NOT available).

The point of this is that the kids do NOT meet ALL the men you date and "audition for them"...Nor are the kids acting as casting directors looking for the father figures auditioning to be their replacment dads. So there's no "dragging" these men into their lives only to reject the kids later on.

I saw this happen with a brother who felt his d's should meet the women in order for him to see how they'd interact. But he did it too often and too soon. All his d's dress provacatively and are hyper sexualized, which is what he "looked" for in woman til he wised up.

In your sitch The kids would NOT even know of these men til you've dated a good 6 months --AND-- they don't MEET them until you've already decided it COULD turn into a marriage,

and the reason you let them meet BEFORE you are "Positive" that it's getting to be official, is so that the kids CAN VETO HIM...


(KML, the MC said this b/c if you introduce the man AFTER you decided to marry them, then it's a "done deal", a" fait accompli" and the kids feel powerless in the decision as to whom they'll have as their step dad...
[i][i]
and it's MUCH harder to reverse or affect the decision after it's been made, than while it's being mad[/i]e. [/i] Makes sense to me.

So the kids would need to meet very few men in your dating life time, and if they reasonably veto him, he's DONE.


I had a woman client once tell me she was "dating a GREAT GUY, super romantic & with a good job...EXCEPT the kids don't like him...but he's also..." AND I CUT HER OFF AND SAID

"Excuse me client, how is he a "great guy" if your kids do not like him?

She said "well they just don't get along. He has a strong personality and is strict and they..." And I stopped her again.

"They JUST don't get along"? "Ma'am, Then he's NOT a great guy for THEM/YOU so, move on and let's just say, "NEXT!! And I meant it.

That's just begging for future trouble AND in her case, she wanted a meal ticket and come company and was rationalizing letting her kids down, but not in MY office...

Since you say the kids are your priority, and I believe you, then decide this stuff now.

I'll post more later.

((( )))