Oh so my point on the contrast above was this....clearly I am a well-liked person in a lot of ways. I'm not snobby or mean or people wouldn't be inviting me to sit with them at an event or acting so interested (and of course I do the same with them). I feel like I have a lot going for me and I work so hard and have for so long to prove myself professionallly and to be a good friend and daughter and all that and I STILL feel like a damn failure, because I got dumped so royally.
It's like what XH did to me despite my being in more ways than I was not, a GOOD wife, the woman that ALL our male friends said, "I'm not getting married unless I can find a wife as cool as Antonia", well no matter what I do, ever, I will never be able to live down the shame of what he did IN MY OWN HEAD, and of course I always wonder are others thinking this of me too who know what he did.
There is a short story by Katherine Anne Porter called "The Jilting of Granny Weatherall" which I can tell you I will NOT teach anymore, about this woman who has a very full life and a husband and kids, but on her deathbed, the last thing she remembers is that she was left at the altar. It's a heartbreaking story. Her last words are "I'll never forgive it" or something to that effect. The jilting destroys her.
I live in fear that that will be me, that despite whatever good I do, it will be the last thing I remember. I know that people say this is a choice we make. I am trying so hard to choose "correctly" and it's not working.
Maybe it's just too early. 17 months...maybe it's too early.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
