Putting it back together, but SSM issues linger

[Accuray]

Thanks Nblost, journaling:

W had 2 previous EA's with co-workers. One was with a guy about 7 years younger who had a pregnant wife. He never really went over the line, although they had very frequent call / chat / text sessions at odd hours (what did his wife think?). My W was head over heels "infatuated" with him to use her term for it. That went about 8 months. After that she had the "serious" EA with a different co-worker, married, my age. That one was going physical at the point OM put the brakes on to save his own marriage. To call it an "EA" isn't really fair, as there was kissing and fondling. I was oblivious to both, I knew about both men, but trusted W completely. I would have bet everything I owned that W would not cheat on me.

Needless to say, I'm a bit paranoid about coworkers now. W has a new job. I found out in conversation with a 3rd party that W has gone to lunch a few times with a new co-worker. He's 7 years younger, new baby, married. She mentioned to me last night directly that she had lunch with him yesterday. I must have raised my eyebrows a bit because she started telling me about all his drawbacks. She also used to do that with OM -- "we're just friends, he's married, he has this shortcoming, blah blah blah"

What do I do with this? Ask if I can see her chatlog from work? I guess ignore it.

I have been venting here quite a bit about W. It probably seems more negative than it is. We are truly piecing and working on things, and there are definitely good times. Overall our marriage is better than it's been in years -- it's my state of mind that's not.

Honestly, our biggest challenges now are W's self-esteem issues and my "damage" from the bomb and OM. I have not "zinged" her once or brought it up in any kind of accusatory context. But it's definitely affecting me, it chips away at me every day.

Sex continues to be an issue for me, and I wonder what's wrong with me. I have honestly considered going on stronger AD's hoping it will both lift my mood and knock down my sex drive, but I hate to take them for that reason.

If I go too long without ML, I get "crazy", and not sexually. Here's what happens, when ML does not occur when I would like, it doesn't effect me that much in the moment, so I don't make an issue of it. The next day, I start to have some dark relationship thoughts. By the next day, I start to withdraw and I have to fight to stay engaged with W, hug her, spend quality time etc. without seeming down. By day 3, I'm very dark, thinking about OM, etc.

At this point I start trying to convince myself that I don't need to ML, that I'll be fine without it. In order to keep that going, I NEED to be less physical with W. At that point I can no longer cuddle in bed, sit close to W, etc. She starts to notice this (obviously) and thinks she's done something to make me sad or upset, then she starts to get down despite my reassurances. At that point I have to work even harder to be physically affectionate and keep a positive bearing.

Now I'm really torn up inside, it's taking tremendous effort, and now it's not really about ML -- it's about the effort she's not putting into the relationship, my insecurity about OM, it's like an infection that starts to just taint everything.

Then, once we do ML, it's like the reset button is pushed and everything is happy again.

How do I fix that?

How do I work on me in this regard?

Is this "normal" in any way, or am I off the charts?

--Accuray