Feel like I'm living the movie Groundhog Day...

[Autumn Leaves]

Good recovery! I know we all slip from time to time, we're not perfect. It's the recovery that is important.

It absolutely is a death of sorts, and grieving is difficult. Allow yourself to go through the stages and be patient with yourself (this is a reminder for myself at the very same time)

[workinghardguy]

It's a sad state of affairs when I get a text message from my W at 2pm saying that she has the stomach flu and is coming home and my first thought is "darn it" and I'm unhappy to see her on an unexpected basis. Mind you I'm at home today, off of work and now caring for our S and his respiratory issue.

I had planned on basically going the rest of the day without seeing her. Sad that's where things are at.

[Rick1963]

"I had planned on basically going the rest of the day without seeing her. Sad that's where things are at."

WHG I was home yesterday all day by myself and felt pretty good. When W came home at dinner time from work I got depressed and anxious. I think it is normal and our reaction is the way our brains protect us from the pain. How long can a person hurt without getting ill? I hear you on the sleeping issue. I think everyone here is having the same problem. Hang in there week is almost over.

[workinghardguy]

One blessing so far has been my sleep... For whatever reason I've almost always been able to keep my emotional issues apart from sleep. Thursday night w and I were up late having r talk and then during the night s woke me up and I had a hard time getting back. Then last night was basically being up with s as he hacked and then up extra early this morning as his media wore off.

I'm hoping this is not a pattern... That I can find my sleep equilibrium soon.

[2thepoint]

WHG I was home yesterday all day by myself and felt pretty good. When W came home at dinner time from work I got depressed and anxious. I think it is normal and our reaction is the way our brains protect us from the pain.

I can completely relate to this as well. However, since I moved out (been a week now) I don't feel nearly as depressed. I think that when you live with your estranged spouse it is extremely difficult to heal from the pain.

I'm actually hoping that both my W and I heal sufficiently so that if/when we are able to consider R, we will be that much better prepared to move down that difficult road.

[workinghardguy]

Journaling... nothing remarkable yesterday. Finally got the piano tuned so I'm going to start playing/practicing again. S remains sick as can be evidenced by being up at 3am right now. Now the medicine for his cough is screwing up his stomach. Good times.

Starting to realize how my criticism of my W's family has really taken a toll over the years. They are a unique bunch, don't get me wrong and some of them are a hard group to like. I can recall though all the gatherings where, as we would head home, I would wait until my W said something critical of them and then I'd join in and pile on. I think my W thinks that I hate them... or perhaps she's constructed that in her head as part of her justification for leaving our M. And I've known it's an issue... she's brought it up in at least two R talks. Though she'll preface it by saying she knows she's complained too. Though I think I should've just listened and validated in the past versus using it as a chance to air my own grievances.

I'm taking our S to her mom's for Thanksgiving. It does have her completely confused. She can't figure out why, since I "hate" them so much, I would voluntarily put myself in that position. But that's the thing... I don't hate them, I really hate a precious few people in the world, if anyone. Yes, I don't care for some of them and lack much to talk about with them since we live in two completely different worlds, but I don't hate them. So... I've vowed to go and enjoy myself and them. But it is part of me just trying to be less judgmental, more understanding, and more open-minded. So this isn't about my M, it's about my work on being a nicer person. My W won't be there to see it anyway so it really isn't about the M.

I guess the only other thing from yesterday is that my mom told me last night that she might be having some heart problems. She's 63 and has some medical issues. My dad passed away when I was 19 and all my grandparents are gone, so she's all I have left really for close family. I'm hoping whatever her doc thinks is wrong can be managed. I can't imagine losing her... especially in the middle of all this crap. And I really can't imagine my son going through divorce and losing the one grandma that he adores all in the same year. It's not like the doc said it's anything grave... it's just with all this going on my capacity to deal with something like this is so low right now. It just debilitates me even thinking about it.

With another night of sick kid means another day of not getting my run in... it's going to be a long weekend... Pretty down today.

[2thepoint]

Well first of all, I'd be pretty down too if I was journaling at 3am in the morning. So, don't beat yourself up because you are tired. Ok?

"Starting to realize how my criticism of my W's family has really taken a toll over the years. They are a unique bunch, don't get me wrong and some of them are a hard group to like. I can recall though all the gatherings where, as we would head home, I would wait until my W said something critical of them and then I'd join in and pile on. I think my W thinks that I hate them... or perhaps she's constructed that in her head as part of her justification for leaving our M. And I've known it's an issue... she's brought it up in at least two R talks."

I think this is a very big awakening on your part and a great opportunity to do a 180 with lasting impact! Think about it. If your W has been justifying her decisions about your M based in part on what she perceives as your beliefs about her family, you now have the chance to show her in a meaningful way that you can be and are a loving man who is open to change in whatever form it may take.

"So... I've vowed to go and enjoy myself and them. But it is part of me just trying to be less judgmental, more understanding, and more open-minded. So this isn't about my M, it's about my work on being a nicer person. My W won't be there to see it anyway so it really isn't about the M."

Fantastic! Again, this is a huge awakening for you! I would just be as pleasant and as accepting as you can be and know that how you act during this time with her family will somehow get back to your W. So, make sure what gets back is nothing but peace and happiness. It will make an impact. And at some time in the future, you can reassure your W by your actions now and confirmation verbally that you don't hate her family and that you regret piling on.

Also, as it pertains to the in-laws, it is important that your S feels by your actions that he can be loving and accepting towards everyone in the family regardless of their faults or difficult nature. As I'm sure you know, kids are very perceptive and pick up on all of our signals. So show him the loving side of your nature towards others and that will pay huge dividends in the future for both of you!

I'm sorry your mother is experiencing medical problems. I hope she gets the medical attention she needs and that her ailments are treatable. But, it is important for you to remember that you can't allow your mothers illness to affect your positive mental attitude. Be there for her. Support her as much as possible. But, don't carry the burden of her illness on your shoulders which are already weighed down by your M problems. You've got to maintain a positive mental attitude at all times. It will carry you further than if you do the opposite.

Does that make sense?

[workinghardguy]

Just had to post this... because this is how my life works these days...

So when was the last time my W actually called me on my cell? Seriously, I can't remember. And when was the last time I was able to take a mid-day nap. Again, can't remember. So what are the odds the two would happen at the same time? I mean, c'mon... really? Can't a guy catch a break

I left work early b/c I'm so exhausted after the past three days of sick kids and little sleep. Got home, laid down, and took a nap. Yay me! Planned for a two hour nap. W never calls me anymore or texts me so I leave me phone on and the ringer turned up.

Yep... guess who calls me. Mid-nap. One hour left in my nap and there's the phone. Heck, I wouldn't have even answered it except that I was dead asleep. Isn't that how it goes I guess!

Oh, yeah, so why was she calling? She couldn't find the building for her IC appointment. Seriously? She has a smartphone. The hospital/clinic has an info line. You have to call me? Part of me wonders if this is just her way of proving to me she is going to IC today without actually having to come out an tell me she went. WAW's are funny creatures.

[workinghardguy]

Random things that are occurring to me today...

Last R talk I expressed concern about how this would effect the kids. Her evidence that they would come through this ok is to look and see how well SS and SD have done since she left their dad nine years ago... ... ... ummm, you mean the kids where I've been in their lives for 75% and 90% of their time on the planet? Yes, that's exactly the same as you going off to be a single mom. W..T..F..

W was sharing this past week with a friend about our upcoming divorce. She told him "we're definitely getting divorced around Juneish". He thought it weird that she put "definitely" in the sentence but then waffled on the date. He hadn't expressed any thoughts or reservations about it so he was confused by the "definitely". He said it sounded like she was trying to affirm to herself. Whatever. She is what she is.

I do feel better after my nap though, even if it was shortened. Unfortunately I just realized my GAL for the weekend is all blown up. I was supposed to be at a three-day search and rescue school this weekend. Then on Monday it got cancelled since Congress can't seem to get their stuff together and pass legislation funding the Defense Department on anything other than a stopgap basis. I was really looking forward to it too... there were going to be folks there I haven't seen since we were cadets together in the late 80s/early 90s. Then with the week of sick kids and whatnot I completely spaced the weekend.

So I guess tonight I'll take S to dinner and a movie. Tomorrow we'll put up Christmas decorations on the outside of the house. Not exactly tearing it up GAL, but still working on my bench and when plans blow up last minute I don't have many places to turn to yet.

[workinghardguy]

Just got home from taking S to dinner and a movie. Feeling very mixed and raw right now... during dinner at one point S got up to go look out the window at the street. All I could think, "is this what it's going to be like? Is this what my future holds?" Even with my S I felt so alone and out of place sitting there. We went to the movie and came home afterward. I know, or at least hope, it will get better... I just haven't been to a sit-down restaurant without my W in a very long time. I also failed to plan ahead and bring anything to occupy my S AND we ordered the one thing on the menu that takes 30 minutes to make (note to the waiter, if the family has little kids, warn them their choice will take 30 minutes to make... we'll probably just order something else).

You can tell I didn't exercise this morning and still short on sleep... can't get my emotions in check.