Time for an Introduction...and Thanks

[figure-it-out]

More journaling,
Not too much to report. I haven't seen H since Halloween and haven't communicated with him since last Saturday. This is probably the #1 most difficult thing for me. I am doing my best to follow the DB principles and only contact H when it's in regards to the kids. I just find myself wanting to initiate some sort of contact particularly if it's been a while since I've seen him. For some reason if I see him (when he picks up my son, comes over for Halloween, etc.) I am much less anxious about wanting to contact him. I think when I see him and we interact I can hear the inflection in his voice, body language, etc. and feel I can better gauge how he's feeling. Thinking about it now, I part of me goes back to that "out of sight out of mind" mentality. Like if we see each other he'll be thinking about me and the more we stay apart the easier it will be to forget. Is that silly?

Maybe it's the holidays, maybe it's his birthday coming up on Monday, I don't know. I've just really been missing him lately. I haven't had a good cry over this for a couple weeks but thinking about it now makes me well up...

I wasn't in DB mode last year at this time and bought him quite a few things for his bday, more than usual. From "the kids" of course. I got him a card too. Wrote to him that I was fearful this would be the last card I would purchase for him in which I could call him my H. (at this time he had not said he wanted a D), that I was not giving up on our marriage and I hoped that in the upcoming year he would find the clarity and peace in his life he was looking for. Not sure if I will get him a card this year.
I feel I've come a long way since then particularly with the contact and R talk but sometimes it just gets to me.

I won't see H this weekend either when he picks up S as D has cheer competition. MIL has invited me over for Thanksgiving. I will probably go. I was pathetic last year at her house. Spent time crying in my car thinking they wouldn't know. I certainly didn't do a very good job with "as if" and GAL. As the saying goes, once you know better you can do better. I feel I do know better and can handle being around everyone. H usually has to work anyway so part of the day will be spent without him around anyway.

This post needs to be more about me and less about him. I'm just "in it" today.

On a brighter note, D has submitted her first college application. She's so excited and I'm excited for her. I can't wait to see what these next few years bring her way.
S is anxiously looking forward to his last fall league baseball game on Sat. I think he's a little burned out and needs a break.
Off work tomorrow!!! I'm ready for some "me" time.