ive read that post several times over the last 2 days and just now..this morning..got it... He IS doing and treating me better, just not how I WANT him to treat me, but it is better...I want him here with us...and I know I have to be ready for that not to happen now. odds are he wont ever be able to come back.. I am thankfull that he is sober and healthier then he was 20 months ago, and I pray for him every day. am feeling really sad and beaten this morning
it's okay to have mixed feelings. But do you see the contradictions here?
Your h is finally sober, we think. And yet you feel beaten. And sad...
As unfair as it may seem, I don't know about that, but I know it's not productive.
Why not Try to focus on the miraculous blessing God sent your h via sobriety, so your son can see a sober father? That has real value. And eventually your h will be easier to deal with than he would be as a drunk ex h.
For a minute, let us assume that you don't reconcile but he stays sober.
Okay, what then? Well, Then In time, your son will have a r with his father based on sobriety, which is GREAT. He will see a man redeemed (at least partly). Thank GOD!! And he won't see a man who died and killed others in a DWI accident either...there are horrible negative scenarios that won't happen and for which gratitude is appropriate too.
So, What will your son see in you? How about some redemption & forgiveness for you?
Forgiveness for your h AND for yourself. We are all flawed humans...even you and even your h.
Letting go is KEY to any forgiveness. That means letting go of the angry self righteous "how dare he!!" attitude (Which you are already showing much less of)
and is a way for YOU to give your son a legacy---
of redemption, forgiveness, and CHANGE in life...what wonderful lessons for him!
Have you picked up the "Co-Dependent No More" book yet? Val says it helped her a lot, so it's got to be a good one...
Hang in there...it ain't over yet! He's still in the fog. And in a way, so are you.
Take a breath.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
so i have been pondering a question that was asked me a few days ago... Why do I want a R with a man like my H? ....that question had me thinking so far back. Prob back to when I was a child...life is a funny thing, you dont even realize how certain things effect you unless you look back at it, and thats not something that alot of people like to do. I dont like to be the person that sits around and moans about how hard there life was and I dont spend a lot of time thinking about it but obviousley things that have happened have made me the angry person I am today. over the last few months ive realized that the person im angry at is me..for choices ive made that have affected other people in my life, mainly my kids. im not going to get into details cus thats just to ugly for this forum but in a nut shell my father left my mother with 6 kids when I was 2 and never came back, never paid a penny of child support and in my household it was NEVER discussed. I just recently found out he was dead, before then I knew nothing about him, the men in my life have been paying for that. I have mentioned that I have a son with special needs...He is 21 now. When he was 6 months old he was a victim of SBS (shaken baby syndrom) by his daycare provider. As a result of that he has cerebral palsey, is legally blind. His mental capacity is around a 12 yr old. I have spent the last 21 years makeing his quality of life my #1 priority and dedicating myself to makeing sure he has every advantage and resorce available to him, on top of raising my other sons. so there anger there...that I was robbed of the S i gave birth to and that he was robbed of the life he should have had. that being said, I am finally working on my anger and have noticed lots of changes in how I deal with things..Im not the yeller I use to be and my S has really noticed how I dont flip out about the little things anymore. Im happy and proud of my self for that. so back to why i would want a R with this man...its obviouse to me now that my pride has taken a big ding. I think im feeling like well really, if this alcoholic self centered and lets face it, spineless person can just walk away from me AND my sons..what does that say about me???? Im not saying I dont love him, right now he is showing a side of him that I have not seen, at least this clearly. Its ugly and hard to look at. But the side of my H that I loved was a person that I had total faith in, he was flawed but arent we all. I have my baggage to so the drinking was just something we had to get over, for the most part (in my eyes) he was an honest caring person who everyone looked up to, had respect for and I kid you not, EVERYONE loves him. He had never (even in all the years of drinking) done anything to hurt a person and the one thing that everyone will say about H is if you needed ANYTHING he would be the first one there. It made me crazy that he was not like that for his own family..... but i def fed into the hype. I overlooked that fact that he wasnt there for us like he was for everyone else.
ok, this has gotten way deeper then I expected...going to meet some girfriends for a run...ill have to get back to ya 25 .. making some progress right????
Me:48 H:42 M: 18 yrs. S: 9/1/09 due to alcoholic H D bomb: 9/9/11 OW confirmed 10/30/11 D papers filed 11/01/11 S15 S21(Special needs) S28
Look to yourself, It is there that all your answers are found...
I sure hope I'm not intruding here. I generally only post related to addictions issues. I'm a lifer; pushing six decades in.. (I remember the sour {but wonderfully fascinating} taste of Chianti when I was about 6-yrs. old) I'm fully vested and invested. I'm sincere, very fallible, but sincere.
I somehow knew your h is a good egg. (d-mn good egg sounds like.. you too). I perceive an area of very potential impact in you guy's situation. I'd give seven-hundred dollars if I could send your h a few simple mental pictures about alcoholism/drug addiction and how that coupled with 'treatment' so-called, can [mostly DOES] marginalize a person [at least inwardly] in a personal and professional sense, but more powerfully with the people he loves the MOST.
Most 'counseling' is geared toward instilling in a person a sense of “powerlessness over alcohol” and the person will never have an unbiased wholeness again, because they have a life-long disease. It is shame based because the actual guilt and shame aren't dealt with head-on, so to speak which allows a person to heal.. instead; it is obfuscated into a “disease”... very confusing. And what makes it shame based is that very paradox. The shame is now imbedded and removed from a real conscious place.. it is now insidious. It's the 800 lb. Gorilla that resides permanently.
Of course I don't know, but if he perceives himself as having failed in his marriage in a way that cannot be resolved or fully ever really over-come [he'll never have your full respect or trust].. he may be exhibiting thinking/behavior related to that. It's easy to point out the moral deficits related to alcoholism-addiction.. but that's empowering really because it can be resolved.. not so much with a life-long disease. It's reality to an alcoholic.. not a metaphor. It's how he's learned to perceive himself: “Hi I'm Danl, I'm a drunken-dope-fiend.”
Truth trumps facts. Facts are, dude goofed it bad with the booze and stuff. Truth is he's an:
Quote:
”honest caring person who everyone looked up to, had respect for and I kid you not, EVERYONE loves him. He had never (even in all the years of drinking) done anything to hurt a person and the one thing that everyone will say about H is if you needed ANYTHING he would be the first one there”
Love covers a multitude of sins. Following is a bit of maudlin lyric –that isn't much for listening, but-- that captures the perspective of an addict with regard to his relationships with the world and whomever he loves:
"Just down the street from your hotel, baby I stay at home with my disease And ain't this position familiar, darling Well, all monkeys do what they see . . . Asleep in perfect blue buildings Beside the green apple sea Gonna get me a little oblivion Try to keep myself away from me." - Counting Crows, "Perfect Blue Buildings" (1993)
Frustrated!!........ yet again H has cancelled on S14 for his weekend. This is his weekend, he had already told me he had a safety meeting all day today so he just picked him up for dinner last night and brought him back home and was supose to pick him up this evening and spend sunday with him.. when S got home last night he was mad and said H spend the whole night on the phone. Now he has text and said he has to work tomorrow...I had already made plans tonight and told him so, H said he could stay with him tonight and I could pick him up in the morning but now S14 doesnt want to go over there...says whats the point?????.... S14 is capable of being home alone but I cant really relax and have a good time when I know hes here alone and end up coming home early. Which is what Ill prob end up doing... Its just really unfair that S14 has to put up with this...and I can see that he is getting sick of it and doesnt even care enough to say anything anymore. He has the attitude of "yeah, whatever"... I know that It is not my job or responsability to make a relationship for them..but it sure hurts to sit and watch the road its heading down. so again...Frustrated!!!
Me:48 H:42 M: 18 yrs. S: 9/1/09 due to alcoholic H D bomb: 9/9/11 OW confirmed 10/30/11 D papers filed 11/01/11 S15 S21(Special needs) S28
Look to yourself, It is there that all your answers are found...
just journaling.... after thinking about it I decided to have S14 go to his dads after all. I told him if he was upset with his D he needed to work that out with him and not complain to me about it. It was between him and his D and they would have to work it out. H picked him up and I was looking good and ready for my night out with friends. H didnt ask were I was going but came in and hung out for about 15 min. we chatted and I was upbeat since I was looking forward to my evening and told S14 I would pick him up in the morning. Yesterday H had called and left a message, The house sold and there was paperwork we needed to sign and he had been trying to get hold of me to arrange that. I have not been being as available as I have been before, but he finally got hold of me and asked if I could get the paperwork in the mail for him. I told him i could do that but yesterday ended up so busy by the time I got to postoffice they were closed. so sent him a message later letting him know that S14 would be coming with him for the evening and that I hadnt made the postoffice...then went about my day. later I got a text from him about not answering my phone and checked and there were 7 missed called from him...???? after he had already sent text about it being fine that i mailed the paperwork on Mon. and he would pick S14 up after his safey meeting...I didnt return the calls and didnt ask about it when he got there but thought it was funny that now that I have pulled back with the contact suddenly he is calling and texting ....DB does work LOL! Ive already gotten a good morning text to let me know S14 will prob sleep late but he left the house key for me....He would not have done that a week ago, he would have just let me and S14 work that out ourselves... Is this progress?? i dont know, I tend to see progress but then we will go to our Co parenting sessions on Mondays and there are steps back, but Im going to see this as positive and really be aware of what I say and how I react this Monday in our session and just let it be what it is. Its def an improvement on thing from the way they were 3 weeks ago... feeling hopefull this morning but not just because of this new contact, but because I am feeling stronger and not as paniced, and am able to sit back and think things through instead of reacting on the fly. I feel much more in control of my feelings lately and not as desperate as before. It must be showing...:)
Me:48 H:42 M: 18 yrs. S: 9/1/09 due to alcoholic H D bomb: 9/9/11 OW confirmed 10/30/11 D papers filed 11/01/11 S15 S21(Special needs) S28
Look to yourself, It is there that all your answers are found...
just journaling.... after thinking about it I decided to have S14 go to his dads after all. I told him if he was upset with his D he needed to work that out with him and not complain to me about it. It was between him and his D and they would have to work it out.
agreed...but at some point MAYBE, you'll need to take some steps to protect s14
IF h starts his "letting him down" syndrome again. Assume nothing on your end, let H handle it but if he does not handle it, then make some fun arrangements or alternative options for your son so he's not stuck feeling alone b/c he and his dad were NOT able to "handle it."
In other words, Try to avoid the set ups for let down... Make sense?
H picked him up and I was looking good and ready for my night out with friends. H didnt ask were I was going but came in and hung out for about 15 min. we chatted and I was upbeat since I was looking forward to my evening and told S14 I would pick him up in the morning. Yesterday H had called and left a message, The house sold and there was paperwork we needed to sign and he had been trying to get hold of me to arrange that. I have not been being as available as I have been before, but he finally got hold of me and asked if I could get the paperwork in the mail for him. I told him i could do that but yesterday ended up so busy by the time I got to postoffice they were closed. so sent him a message later letting him know that S14 would be coming with him for the evening and that I hadnt made the postoffice...then went about my day. later I got a text from him about not answering my phone and checked and there were 7 missed called from him...???? after he had already sent text about it being fine that i mailed the paperwork on Mon. and he would pick S14 up after his safey meeting...I didnt return the calls and didnt ask about it when he got there but thought it was funny that now that I have pulled back with the contact suddenly he is calling and texting ....DB does work LOL! Ive already gotten a good morning text to let me know S14 will prob sleep late but he left the house key for me....He would not have done that a week ago, he would have just let me and S14 work that out ourselves... Is this progress??
Not "positive" it's progress but it looks like it AND it's not a bad thing. Probably safe to call it a baby step.
i dont know, I tend to see progress but then we will go to our Co parenting sessions on Mondays and there are steps back, but Im going to see this as positive and really be aware of what I say and how I react this Monday in our session and just let it be what it is. read NOTHING into anything. Be grateful for improvements but have NO expectations at this point. You will need a lot of clarity from him AND over time, to trust a lot. So keep that in mind and don't get yourself up for a feeling of failure when all it really was, was dashed expectations you could avoid having in the first place. HOpe that's clear...sort of??
Its def an improvement on thing from the way they were 3 weeks ago... feeling hopefull this morning but not just because of this new contact, but because I am feeling stronger and not as paniced, and am able to sit back and think things through instead of reacting on the fly. I feel much more in control of my feelings lately and not as desperate as before. ^^^GREAT NEWS....and true. The more internal peace you have, the more it emanates. All I know is that when I truly felt that I'd be more than fine, but actually REALLY FINE,
with or without my h, and in some ways was preparing my life for it without him, and it was looking GOOD...
h seemed to notice. He seemed to think that maybe I was going to be better off without him
and he was NOT going to be better off without us...hmmmm....and seeds got planted and began to grow.
Over time, he did awaken. I have no "proof" of what caused what. But it sure felt that way. And you know what difference does it make in some ways?
I FELT HAPPIER and that matters!! So if it got to him, or if something else did, all I know was I was in a better place.
So are you.
It must be showing...:)
indeed....
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Yeah, that is how ive been handling that...it happens quite a bit but last night i decided to do a 180 for me..knowing H wouldnt even know. I didnt can my plans like i alwats do, but i wont do this all the time..S14 is my first priority. I had to go pick him up this morning and H had left some paperwork from the house sell that i needed to sign. Next to them, on the counter was a list of addresses of rentals hes been looking at. By one address there was a note "to close to W".. that kinda hurt my feelings..why would it be to close?.. its not like i stalk him, and what would be wrong being close to his son?... Today he was still texting for things that he really didnt need to, and if it didnt call for a reply i didnt.. Looking forward to this week off for fall break but still wondering about thanksgiving.. C had asked a few weeks back if H could spend thanksgiving with us, i was kind of put on the spot and didnt say much, H said that was something he would have to think about. To be honest..i think S28 would kill him..he knows about OW and has not spoken to him since he found out..he gets irrate when ever H comes up. So not thinking its a good idea, H has no family in state so hes on his iwn..which, according to him is what he wants..hope OW can cook... o
Me:48 H:42 M: 18 yrs. S: 9/1/09 due to alcoholic H D bomb: 9/9/11 OW confirmed 10/30/11 D papers filed 11/01/11 S15 S21(Special needs) S28
Look to yourself, It is there that all your answers are found...
sorry but I don't know what it means when you say "C had asked about Thanksgiving"...who is 'C"?
And pay no attention to "too close to W"...first off, he may have wanted you to see that b/c as you say, it's also his son...
and second, he may feel guilty about what you'd know if you ran into him and
3rd why try to mind read HIM????? SOOOOO
Not helpful...Not productive...Not accurate....Not good for YOU.
but yes, progress is being made though...
hang in there
(( ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
@25 C is our councelor in our Co Parenting sessions we have been going to...
@Danl..thank you for your insight...I always get something out of it regarding H and his drinking..Im beginning to understand that He may never be able to come back because of that. I know him well enough to know that the guilt eats him up and I know that is why he stays away and acts as if he doesnt care at all about me. He cant even look me in the eye... It doesnt explain the OW though....that is something in a million years I never saw comeing, and if people knew they would be shocked. He is not nor has he ever been a shady, sneaky person so I dont know how to rationalize that part at all...
Me:48 H:42 M: 18 yrs. S: 9/1/09 due to alcoholic H D bomb: 9/9/11 OW confirmed 10/30/11 D papers filed 11/01/11 S15 S21(Special needs) S28
Look to yourself, It is there that all your answers are found...
need some advice.. Tonight we have another Co Parenting session....Im not even sure why we are doing the sessions, It doesnt seem to be helping the sitch as far as H putting S14 first and spending more time with him so really, my first question is should I continue??...
second question is as I posted earlier the C brought up H spending thanksgiving with us (me and boys)...I have thought about it and it really cant happen right now, there are to many raw feelings at this point. What do I say and how do I handle it when she brings it up tonight? I dont want to sound bitter and I dont even really want to say anything about S28 being angry with H...so Im thinking a simple "its not a good idea"?????
Im aware that it will mean S14 maybe spending some time with H alone that day, S14 has said he doesnt really want to but im encouraging him. Im not going to push it though...Im not going to make him leave a family gathering to go and come back upset once again because his dad spent the whole time on the phone..or they sit at a resturaunt and H doesnt say a word to him the whole time.
The anger S14 is showing toward his D is makeing me wonder if maybe, while he was at his Ds house he has not seen or found something that has made him aware of OW.....I will not ask or bring it up EVER...but considering how inconsiderate H has been it would not surprise me. On top of my S14 is a pro snooper and there has never been a year at christmas that he has not found all his presents, no matter how hard i try..:) and if he even has the slightest clue about something..he is relentless...until he figures it out. even as Im typing this im realizing there is a real possibiliy that has happened..........would explain alot of his behavior.
To be honest ...i had hoped that the Co parenting sessions would maybe turn into some MC, but Im slowing realizing that if H is not interested in that its a waste of time. Yes he did volunteer to use his EAP so we could continue going, but not even sure why he did that as he is not takeing any of Cs suggestions and doesnt even make an attempt at the "homework" she gives him (do at least one thing a week with S14 alone, call him every night and tell him you love him...etc.) I got his progress report Fri. 2 Fs and 2 D-....and H had no reaction at all. my poor S is hurting....I feel like the only way i can help him is to totally detach and move on...so he can to i guess...
Me:48 H:42 M: 18 yrs. S: 9/1/09 due to alcoholic H D bomb: 9/9/11 OW confirmed 10/30/11 D papers filed 11/01/11 S15 S21(Special needs) S28
Look to yourself, It is there that all your answers are found...
..