My wife and I have been together for 8 years and married for 6. Two months ago I was incredibly stressed from work and probably distant and detached for about a week. One Friday night she crawled into bed and said "we need to see a counselor". Already being on edge from work, I didn't respond well. I told her I didn't want to go, didn't know what she wanted to get out of it, and that just escalated the argument. She said she didn't like the person she was turning into (which I didn't understand). Out of exhaustion, frustration and anger I said "If I am making your life WORSE instead of BETTER" then leave. In my heart I didn't mean it, and if I could take those words back I would.
She slept on the couch that night and in the morning stated that she wanted a divorce. I was stunned. She said that she had been trying to tell me she was unhappy for about a year and I just didn't get the signals. We have a 19 month old baby and for months I had been telling her that these have been some of the happiest days of my life, being her husband, being a new father....I was overcome with joy and happiness. Her response when I would tell her this was always "why can't I see that in you?" - I had no answer for that. As she was stating she wanted a divorce she said things like "we are incompatible", "we want different things out of life", "there is no love in this house", "living with you is like having a boss", "you nit pick me from the time you get home until the time you go to bed", and so on. I was completely stunned by all of this. We certainly had our disagreements, but there was never anything indicating that she was unhappy to the point of divorce. The word "divorce" never even came out of her mouth. My heart was broken, and my life felt shattered.
I was able to get her to go to a marriage counselor (by this time she had already retained an attorney). She went with the desire of learning how we can "co-parent", I went with the desire of figuring out if this divorce even needed to happen. The counselor was very unbiased and listened to both of us closely. She believe that we BOTH had good points and ultimately concluded (and I am paraphrasing here) that nothing that we were experiencing was out of the norm and we were plagued with communication problems. We returned for individual sessions - she went first. When I arrived for mine, the counselor told me that in her individual session she seemed intent upon ending the marriage. I was crushed. I went home, told my wife that I loved her, our son and our family and was not willing to give up. She told me that I was being selfish because that was only taking into consideration what I wanted.
Over the ensuing weeks, we lived together but apart. I stayed in the master bedroom and she stayed in a guest room. We would both spend time with the baby by ourselves - not together at all. Her work schedule allowed her to spend Wednesday, Thursday and Friday with the baby. Friday evenings she would go to her sister's home and I would have the baby Friday evening, Saturday and most of Sunday. Sunday afternoon she would return and we would go back to living under the same roof - estranged. I missed her terribly even though she was in the house. We didn't speak much at all. I had lost by best friend, support pillar and partner. By heart broke for my son. On two occasions I left her flowers and a letter. She actually said "thank you" for the second letter and flowers....I thought that maybe I had broken some of the ice. Nope. Later that week she informed me that she had found a condo and was moving out at the end of the week. Again, I was crushed.
She moved out last Friday and took some of our belongings with her. In the days leading up to her departure, she just seemed so angry at me. If I objected to her taking something from the house, I would get a letter from her attorney. It was unreal - like I was living someone else's life. I came home that Friday to a home that was empty of some furniture and completely void of the love that my wife and family brought into my life. I am not too proud to admit that I sat in the house and cried.
We are working on getting to a temporary custody schedule while the wheels of divorce begin to spin (I received papers two weeks after she said she wanted out). I have retained and attorney out of necessity, but he knows I do not want a divorce. Thus far, our interactions have been limited and business oriented. I can tell through the tone that she is angry with me, or just plain irritated. Part of me wants to believe it's because life on her own for the last week has not been "great". But who knows. I have tried sending her encourage texts, just to be friendly but they are either met with no response or some business oriented like "I need a bed for our son!". I am under the impression that I should probably just leave her alone for awhile as I am now reading TDR.
I love her tremendously, and I miss everything about her every single day - even the stuff that drove me nuts. But I especially miss me, her and our baby playing together and spending time - it is a soul-depleting loss. I want her back, and have gone the last mile to make that happen and I have failed. I need hope, encouragement and advice. Right now, I know she wants nothing more than to be done with me - her level of anger is pretty high. I hope that it passes. I hope that she will eventually miss me. I hope that I can save our marriage. I say "I" because right now she has zero interest.
Background: We tried for a year to get pregnant and failed. We then suffered through four failed fertility procedures and the 5th one resulted in our beautiful baby boy. I can't help but think that that added to the collective stress and communication problems in our relationship. As I adjusted to being a new father, she was always intimating that she was ready for #2 and I never fully reciprocated. I DO want another child, but was afraid to really make that known because I felt the pressure to make a baby again would be on and I just didn't want it. I think she viewed that as me saying "no second child" - that added to her desire to leave. It is also important to note that she suffers from depression and has been on antidepressants during most of the time I have known her.
It would appear that I am dealing with a WAW that has already moved out. Her walls are up and she is not letting me through them. Again, it has only been two months so maybe it is still early. The book gives me hope, but I am struggling to get things to work while communication is still limited (mostly one line texts) and she has moved out. Being without our son hurts us both, but he is currently the "glue" that gives us any interaction at all. This week she asked me to take him to the pediatrician for her so she wouldn't miss work (she just started a new job), it seems she still needs or wants me as a back-up to cover her in times of need - but I don't know if that it right or wrong for me to do. Ultimately, I want her back....I want my family back, so I am trying to be selfless but not a doormat.
Is there hope? What to do....What not to do.....how can I save a marriage with a wife that shows no interests in working things out right now......there are so many questions and so few answers. Thanks, all - I appreciate any and all help.
