What do I do next? Part 2

[Accuray]

That's great that SIL is available to talk to. How is your relationship with her? What does she say about your sitch?

SIL may well have known, but if you put yourself in her shoes, it would be awkward to admit that as she would feel guilty that she hadn't told you before. I wouldn't hold that against her.

You know that DB generally recommends against involving W's family, but if W offered her up, take the lifeline!

Accuray

[luvhurts49]

I've been talking to SIL since the beginning of all this. I think our relationship is pretty good, but since she is my W's sister, I can only take what she says with a grain of salt.

My SIL is of the mindset that I need to give her space and work on myself and our kids, but that was before she knew about the A and the OM (supposedly).

When I gave her some details about what I knew, she was in disbelief and gave me some reasons why she thought that way. I, in turn, explained that I thought the same way she did until I had proof, then that opened my eyes to a lot of other things that now make more sense.

I know that DB says to stay away from you W's family, but they are my family too. I realize that they will likely side with my W, but they too need to be aware of things that my W isn't telling them or lying to them about. It's not about getting those on my side or my W's side, it's about what's right and what's wrong and looking out for myself and our kids.

[luvhurts49]

Well, my dad had dinner with my W yesterday. My W is saying that she is completely done--as in never even gonna think about giving us any kind of chance ever. I guess she must be quite content with her new man and being a part-time parent.

She also said that I never change, which of course I disagree with as I am always willing to change certain aspects of myself if I know that there is a problem.

I know that after she moved out, she never gave us any kind of chance. She lied to everybody about taking some time to think about things before deciding on a divorce. Apparently, "some time" equates to 1 week between telling people she was going to wait and having me served.

Fact is, she never wanted to give us a chance--she had her mind made up before we even went on vacation so why am I so pissed about this now when I've suspected/known this for 3 months?

Don't get me wrong, I love my W and I still want to make things work, but it's like ripping open stitches--it just keeps hurting.

[workinghardguy]

Then you have to ask yourself why it still hurts? Don't get me wrong... I understand that it hurts and I'm not saying it shouldn't, but if you don't want it to hurt, or at least not hurt as much, then you have to identify why?

Is it fear? Fear of being alone? Fear of rejection? Those you can deal with and work with. You can increase your socialization and see that you don't have to be, nor will you be, alone. Fear of rejection you can deal with by developing a more positive view of you.

Is it a sense of loss? If so then start grieving and let yourself do that.

What I hear right now is anger. Again, I'm not saying that anger is wrong or unwarranted. There are moments in most days when I am so furious with my WAW. But they pass. Those feelings are usually replaced by compassion and sorrow, but for her not me. For how confused and screwed up she must feel. For knowing that she is not picking a good or healthy path.

I used to also feel fear. Fear that she would choose a bad path and be hurt by it. But I'm largely past that. I've let go of that piece... if she chooses a bad path, well, she chooses a bad path.

And as you get past certain feelings understand they will return. I may view my W with compassion now, but I fully believe that when it comes time to tell our kids and break their hearts, that the anger will return with even more force than before.

[Accuray]

+1 for WHG.

She also said that I never change

That is what 180, GAL, and detach are all about. First, you PROVE that they are wrong about that. You can't tell her. You have trained her exactly how you are going to react in any given situation over the course of years.

When you don't act the way she's been conditioned to expect, and you *consistently* demonstrate different more positive responses, she's going to wonder what's going on -- that's not the person she things she knows.

That's how you crack the door back open.

Right now, she's not even willing to look or notice, so it takes time and patience. When things get this bad, it's always a marathon and not a sprint.

Initially we try to perform for our spouse -- "look at me! look how different I am!" They see through that. It doesn't become *real* until they are not part of the equation, until they're no longer a necessary audience for the performance. It's when you act differently whether they are there or not that you've got it.

At that point, you'll be happier with yourself so getting them back will be less important, and that ironically makes it easier to win them back!

I hear you on the pain, the pain is God-awful! Exercise! That helps.

Accuray

[luvhurts49]

@WHG

It hurts because this is the woman I was expecting to spend the rest of my life with and she has taken that away--not just from me, but our kids too.

I'm not afraid of being alone, I just don't want to. I thought I had found the one I wanted to spend my life with so when it gets taken away, then yeah, I'm afraid of losing her. I'm afraid that she won't come back, that she won't find me desirable again regardless of what I do or what I become.

I am angry, angry that I didn't do more before it was too late, angry that she didn't give us more of a chance or at least more time. I'm not sure if my W is a WAW or if she is simply done, so I can't say how she is feeling because when I look at her, all I see is either anger or no emotion at all.

[luvhurts49]

Alright, my W posted some stuff on FB saying that she just wanted a man that wants to be her equal and is willing to put as much into a R as he is willing to take. I thought about that for a bit and when she came to drop off my S3, I told her the following:

That I always thought of her as my equal and although the past year has be hard for me (personal reasons beyond our M), I have done everything I could to prove that she and our family/kids are the most important things in my life. That I've made mistakes and that I was sorry that it wasn't enough for her.

She came back at me saying stuff about how I've told a couple of people about the OM and she says that they are just friends, but says that she can't talk right now (had to go to work).

I know that it's backsliding, but she is taking things to an extreme. She tells everyone that she isn't going to rush into a D, then a week later I'm getting served. She tells everyone that there isn't OM, then I find that there is and she only says he's a friend. Really? You work with this guy for 8 hours everyday, then you spend the night at his house (more than once) and he's "just a friend"?

[Accuray]

Brutal Luvhurts, absolutely hard to read. You may want to block her on FB so you don't have to see it / read it. I would bet that she will unfriend you at some point anyway so you might as well take the initiative.

She's definitely off the rails, all you can do is be the better man unfortunately.

Accuray

[luvhurts49]

It's funny, from some of the posts she makes, it almost seems like she wants to let me know how she is feeling and what it is she wants. I understand that some of her posts are to tick me off or she is just posting them to get under my skin, but others seem to be more sincere. I guess that's why I don't block her on FB--it's almost like she wants me to do something about it.

[Accuray]

FB wall posts are reasonably public, are you sure you want her airing her laundry there? If you block her, FB won't notify her, but she will eventually figure it out and that will lead her to pursue you in other ways if she wants something from you.

Also, if you block her it will make it easier to detach and go dark. That's my $0.02, you have to do what's right for you obviously. I was trying to help on the thread "Am I Getting Flushed Down the Toilet" and his W started posting pics on FB of herself with OM, changed her status to "Single", etc. That didn't help the guy's state of mind at all -- better not to look.

Accuray