One of the main reasons our m declined and we are seperated is that I wasn't their for her emotionally. Over the past year and a half I have made every effort to change that dynamic and their are times when she has told me she is angry because I'm doing it now but I should of been like this years earlier.
Here is where I think you need to detach a little more. It is important for you to recognize that your W is already D from you in her mind. So, any amount of emotional support you may be providing is too little, too late.
Think about it, if she needed emotional support before the bomb, you can only imagine how much she needs now. The only problem though is she doesn't want/need it from you. So, stop providing it for her and start getting yourself some emotional support.
So I'm still trying to figure out how to detach yet be their and be supportive of her. I want her to know I'm there but don't want to pursue.
Only be supportive in those areas where it is essential, (i.e. matter of life, death, health, emergency, etc,). Otherwise, it is viewed as pursuit.
I am concerned that she is happy and will continue to be so with us just being friends.
Of course she is happy. She is having her cake and eating it too!
Should I try to build on the friendship that we have re-established or keep it vague and do more GAL???
Sayitaintso - I think you know the answer to this question. You have already proven to your W that you ARE CAPABLE of being a better, more supporting husband. Now that she knows you are capable, help her build her desire for that part of you that she knows is there by making yourself scarce and go GAL!!
Stop fooling yourself into thinking that she will miraculously come to her senses anytime soon. You've got to focus on the changes in you in order for her to see that you are worth keeping around.
It's interesting, the other day I was at the house with the family and I don't know what it was but I caught my W looking at me more than once. And it was the way she was looking at me that had me wondering. I think on that particular day, I had had a recent haircut, had just showered after coming back from the gym, was looking more attractive than usual and I actually think she noticed. I don't think she necessarily realized she was looking at me or even why but she WAS looking.
So I say, be there for your W when it is important. But at all other times go GAL. Become a more attractive you (inside and out). And, let time decide how things will play out.
I hope this helps!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
Thanks 2tp. Also, I have yet to meet w/ a L to get informed on my rights. I know in my state we have to be seperated for 1-year before you can file for D so I haven't felt the need to. When do people recommend seeing one? Perhaps I'm not seeing one due to fear of the potential D. And if I see one do I casually share this w/ w so she see's that I've accepted this and am moving on or keep it to myself?
Say, Don't say anything to w about seeing a L. You say you are going to get informed on your rights... that's all it needs to be. It shouldn't be used as a tactic to show her you are moving on. She'll sniff that a mile away and it may actually move you closer to the D.
Your w's feelings of anger about your changes are typical.. and in some ways a good thing. That means she's noticing.. It means she's afraid of them.
Understand that there is nothing you can do to MAKE her get over her fears. This is something she must do alone and at her own time.
However - you can hurt her by backsliding on those changes. That will happen if you continually make it about YOU. That's what you are doing... bringing it back to you with the "She won't believe me, how can I make her see?"
Do you see that you are trying to fill your emotional needs by being there for her emotionally?
Make it about her only. Be there for her and don't take it personal if she decides to not let you in.
Emotional Support doesn't just come in the form of being there for them in the rough times. Sometimes it's listening vs. talking. It's validating their feelings. It's cheering in their successes.
Her trust with you is broken and that takes time to heal. And it will take time for you to change. You're making great progress but don't lose sight of why you wanted to make these changes to begin with....
.... because you realized that you not supporting her was something you wanted to change. You realized that you wanted to be an emotional supportive husband... REGARDLESS on if its with W or someone else.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
This was way up several posts ago, but it struck me.
Quote:
I want my W back, not hanging out in a "better place."
Why would you want that, and why would she?
I know that's not how you meant it, but look at the words. You cannot go back to how things were. You have to be the better place, and she may notice and come back.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I was responding to "Sayitaintso's" lamenting the fact that his W seemed to be getting quite comfortable living in limbo as friends/roommates instead of as H&W. I agree that it would not be healthy to go back to the problems that lead them to their current situation. But how does living as friends/roommates get them closer to a Reconciliation?
So, my point was don't get too comfortable because there is still a lot of work to do.
Make sense?
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
My w has recently asked me to sign the title of the car that is in my name over to her. This is her car and is just about paid off which has taken 5 years and was paid with both or our moneys.
I am not comfortable with this and don't know how to politely say no?? Should I say due to our current serperation and potential divorce I am not comfortable doing this at this time??
I would figure out the current blue book value on the car, and then tell her you would be happy to sign the title over if she buys you out. If it is fully paid off she should be able to get a loan for half the value of the car. Otherwise you intend to stay on the title so that when she sells it/trades it in you get 50% of the value at that time.
My W and I will be headed for the same thing, though I don't think she realizes it. On my car we owe $6,000 and it's currently worth $4,000. On her car we owe $7,000 and it's currently worth $15,000. So hmm... do I intend to simply let her walk away with $8,000 equity while I get left underwater by $2,000? Nope.
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
One of our past issues was my controlling of her so I am concerned that when I say no that this will instigate her negative feelings towards that past dynamic.
I feel like I need to stop acting like a chump and worrying about how she will respond to my actions but this is hard for me because I want to keep it smooth and paved.
