untethering

[aeolianchaos]

Hi Friends,

Yes it's been a while. I truly appreciate that y'all would be checking in on me. I try to check in every now and then on people's sitx's, but sometimes reading them can be a bit much, emotionally.

I am doing pretty well all things considered - still looking for work but that feels like it is moving positively. I had a 3 hour interview session (that was only supposed to be 2 hours) a couple of weeks ago that I am still waiting to hear back on. The last I heard from the hiring manager was "You are definitely a candidate." So It is testing my patience a little not to catastrophize why they haven't gotten back to me yet. I liked everyone there and felt like I would have been a solid addition.

Met with a different company today and liked them a lot too. It wasn't a formal interview but I felt like I had substantial (30+ minutes) conversations with each person I spoke with and I could easily imagine myself thriving there as well. In many ways I think I would be more impactful there than the first place and perhaps it would allow me to more fully push my potential. Both seem like really positive opportunities though and I feel good about that. I certainly could use the money, too! There a lot of things I'd like to do that cost money and it would be nice to do them and know that I can totally afford it.

No recent contact w/ WAW other than a couple e-mails.

At this point, I don't think I am really DBing in the way that it is so often described on these forums. I think I've become a bit more genuinely fearless (still very compassionate, though.. thats a part of me) about what the future holds. There are prevention and promotion based goals and thinking and at this point I'm much more in a promotion mindset.

I'm less scared of failing to save my marriage and more interested in having better relationships with more integrity and authenticity. If I have that with my W, that would be great and I'm of course open to that. But at this point I've come to recognize a lot more feelings of ambivalence and doubt on my end - not to the extent where I feel like I need to give up and walk away, but where I see my standing for this marriage as being more of a position of strength than need.

It helps to have an awareness and confidence that I'm going to have a great relationship with myself as well as another person down the road. I feel like I've grown and evolved and matured more in the past year than I did in the past 16 years and I'm proud of myself for that. While my experience hasn't been as extreme as some others, it has still presented me with a lot of challenges and opportunities to grow and I like to believe I'm taking advantage of those.

Sometimes, I'd like to take a break from that and get into more of a 'groove' but there is a voice in my head saying "not yet.. theres still something you need to do before you slip into the comfort cycle for a bit".. it's like scraping ice cream out of the bottom of the container, but perhaps a little less comforting.

I usually check up this site on my phone, but I'm not logged in so I am watching all of you.. is that creepy?