wife won't admit PA with OM

[Telemark]

Great post and advice, gb90.

Jake, I have been exactly - exactly - where you are; the OM who is "just a friend"; the secret phone calls, TMs and e-mails; the need to snoop to find out the extent of the EA/PA (and yes, my W also confronted me about my snooping, I denied it and that just made things 10X worse); the imagination running away with all kinds of scenarios...

It is a terrible, painful and seemingly impossible situation to be in. You have no control over what your W does, where she goes or who she sees. But like gb90 said, you do not have to be a doormat. Your W has no respect for you; if she did, she would not be doing this. Women do not love who they do not respect. If you want any chance of putting the brakes on this situation, you need to let her know you will not tolerate this level of betrayal and disrespect.

Here is a small speech I wish I would have made to my W...

"W, I am aware of your relationship with OM. I will not be in an open marriage, nor will I tolerate dishonesty and betrayal in our marriage. If you want to remain married and in our house, there needs to be absolutely no contact with the OM from this minute forward, and we must seek counseling to help repair the damage that has already been done.

If you wish to continue your relationship with OM, I will not stand in your way, but you cannot do that and remain married to me or living in our house, so you need to make other arrangements.

W, I choose us. I choose our marriage. But I cannot make that choice for you. If you choose another path, I wish you well."

gb90 is also dead on when he suggest reading edited by dbmod: reference not recommended nr allowed It does not suggest we all become bullying Neanderthals, but it addresses those dysfunctional behaviors in a lot of men that cause them to try to please everyone at the sake of their self-respect and self-esteem. Buy it, Jake. Read it. Read it again. I'm on my 4th reading and I'm still finding sections that make me look at myself and say, "Telemark, you've got some work to do...".

Jake, my heart aches for you and for anyone else going through this. But I also have to say this: regardless of what happens between you and your W, if you stand up for yourself, your principles, your morals and your sanity you will be OK. It will not happen in a few days, a few weeks or even a few months, but even if your W walks off into the sunset with the OM (as mine did) you can know that you did not compromise your integrity.[i][/i]