Finally confronted H on affair...Now what????

[25yearsmlc]

Hi,
I need some advice again...

Yesterday H said he wanted to ask me a favor. He wants me to let him come on Tue and Thu and stay in the house, rather than have to take the kids to his place. Our visitation arrangement on weekdays is that he is supposed to pick up kids on those days and bring them back by 7:30.

Just so I'm clear, is this a regular change now or is it just for Thanksgiving?

Assuming it's NOT a Thanksgiving issue, I rather like him going to YOUR place and showing him the new you AND decreasing his OW time...


Because he cannot get to my place before 6:30, that really only gives him 1 hr. to come and go, which doesn't give him much time for anything else besides take them for yogurt or something.

THIS^^ situation stinks for all. You said your MAIN GOAL was what's best for the kids AND then the R you have with him...so to me, this part is easy.


The reason we have that arrangement is because for months I had an open door policy and he just came and went as he pleased and unannounced. My original goal was to make it as easy for him to come home and be with us as much possible so he could feel welcome, see my changes and miss us. I did see some progress at first, but then it all stalled. He chose OW and was truly inconsiderate about my needs. I felt he was just getting the best of all worlds. Be with OW when he could, and be with our kids when convenient for his schedule.

Sounds like you are doing a good job of rationalizing being punitive.

I know you have legit cake eating issues, but over all, it just feels like anger won out there.^^^

And no, your efforts at being loving did not "fail" loving before, b/c he chose OW. He simply didn't trust the changes....so then you kind of did the old behavior again.

What would a 180 be like now here? Hmmm??

So then I decided I wanted to establish boundaries as well to have him miss us and experience what a separation is and also to get him not to be in my house all the time so I could start detaching.


I get that. I do...& it's a tough call there.

Anyways, the new weekday arrangement obviously is not working for him.

hey it's also NOT working well for the kids, is it? An hour with daddy? during the week, twice weekly? that's going to be a real drag when they are in school

and you're not really getting a decent break then either, are you?

Plus why not show him some GAL?

Like let him babysit all 3 kids while YOU GO OUT!???! OMG Show him the GAL!! Be a bit mysterious but uber upbeat and oh So relieved it was a "win win" for you both!

hey, we know that "Showing him The sadness" didn't work, and God knows the anger hasn't...but what if you became who you once were, or even better, and who he hoped/thought you were when he met you AND then what if he saw you GAL with the possibility of OMs getting the benefit of all "his" work on you? And what if THEN or soon thereafter, OW began to reveal a flaw or two?

Hmm, just wondering...

here's the dealio KG. Unlike 90% of LBSers with WASs who have As, you actually Do own your part AND your h does sound like a "once upon a time" decent guy and you ARE in a wretched situation with such young kids that MUST tear him up some....

so yeah, I see some hope. I have got to wonder what his family is thinking of their son doing this to such young kids...what's your r like with them again?

Oh sorry, I'm digressing...



When he asked last night he caught me off guard. I paused and said yes, but now I am not so sure what to do. Here is my thinking:

1) If I let him come and go again to my place and hang out, it would be a good opportunity to show him changes and try to make him miss home. As i said, when I tried this earlier this year, I didn't see any tangible results. On the contrary, he ended up choosing OW. But that doesn't mean it wouldn't work this time - maybe I just needed to try it longer?

agreed. Plus he did not choose her BECAUSE you let him hang out at the house....and it Can't hurt being nice!
I'm betting he did not trust the changes before. OR maybe OW had more allure then, which is "normal" for this stuff. Plus you just had a baby/were pregnant and then later...you kind of Took your time to get on board if you recall....


My gut tells me that this is what I should do to keep the way home paved and have the chance to show him my changes.


When in doubt, go with the most loving of choices...at least then if you are wrong, it won't be for the wrong reasons.


On the other hand, it will allow him to have everything - OW, his kids and a life of convenience (and not realistically what a D would entail), and there might be no incentive for him to change anything.

what incentive does he have for changing NOW? The more anger he can see in your actions, real or not, the worse for you.

Plus, the more change he sees in you the more incentive that exists for him to change some things. And btw, I seriously doubt he feels he has everything.

Unless I'm reading him wrong or hes totally a jerk now and not just going with a jerky streak in him, I'm betting he DOES feel some serious self doubt--NOT that he'll share with YOU mind you, but he misses those kids...and wonders about your changes. He has to.


2) I want H to be part of my kids' lives as much as possible. Yet, when I talked to a priest a couple of months ago, he told me that I am not being fair to my kids by letting my H have it easy. He said both H and I are perpetuating an illusion of a family together to our kids, while we are no longer that. He said my kids need stability and having H come and go as he pleases only creates more emotional turmoil for our kids. He said that since H has made his decision, we should not give them the impression that we are together, and since they are so young, we give them that false sense of a united marriage. Coming from a priest, this gave me food for thought...

well it IS food for thought and I will have to ponder that. And I will.

But there's some parts of that I can see, for sure, but some of it rubs me the wrong way.

Can't quite explain it but almost sounds like he's saying "your h made his bed so let him lie in it"...

and how is it "unstable" for THEM to see him 2x during the week? I mean, "unstable" is seeing him less, like only every other weekend and one night a week, the standard visitation...


3) If I say no, he will see me as uncooperative (which would be true), he might think I am just trying to punish him and might push him further away with OW.

I'm positive of this^^^ and that it is not going to help your cause, which is a bummer.


4) I thought about negotiating with him.
Backstory:

I read the backstory and it MOSTLY sounds like tit for tat anger stuff NOT relevant to this topic but more about THE PAST and OW and your pain about the A...imo

...but I'll go to the Turkey day events...and by the way, the single biggest difference between your kids IS their ages/maturity. The crap thing was your h agreeing to it and then breaking his word, IF that is what happened...I have a feeling you insisted on something and he did the conflict avoidant thing and then you believed he had "agreed", but I don't know...

I had asked him not to expose our kids to OW. (She has NOT introduced my H to her daughters (10 and 6) because she wants them to adapt to her separation from her H before introducing a new person.)
I asked H why he and OW are not giving our children the same consideration. I told him it felt like a double standard where they are protecting her kids yet not ours. I said at least her kids are older and they understand the diff. between a father vs. a boyfriend and our girls are too young and are just starting to learn what family is. He didn't agree and said that precisely cause they are so young, they can learn this "new" setup w/o major repercussions.
I told him he will expose them if he wants anyways (which he has done w/o telling me).

which is why you must pick your battles wisely.

He WILL do as he pleases and the more you argue about it before and after, the worse YOU make it.

Give him something to live UP TO, not "avoid the sin of...." make sense? The "boundaries" are useless if they only serve to make you look controlling

esp over things you have NO control over so the boundaries can be ignored or breached overtly or behind your back, and then the "fighting the battle" is useless AND worse, it's harming your cause and Not getting any of your goals met...

And I asked that at least the kids do not spend the night with them when she is around. This has not happened yet, but she is coming down for Thanksgiving next week and he told me the kids would stay with them.
So I was thinking about negotiating - he can come to my place to visit kids Tuesdays and Thurs if he agrees not to have them spend the night when OW is in town.


2 thoughts on THIS^^^....1) NOT enforceable...it's just another thing he can "agree" to but feels coerced into and therefore did not really "consent" and therefore does not have to keep his word and therefore your "boundary" is ignored....and THEN you are powerless to do anything but get angry

2) this makes you come off as controlling. The events are not related. Whether she sleeps in a bed or the floor or they sleep together in a closet in a hotel-- makes little difference now, in the grand scheme of things.

Isn't this really more about your pain at the thought of it all? Or getting "replaced" even though you KNOW that's not rational...?? (It's common and normal but it's not rational!)



My bottom line request is: Treat all children involved equally. Don't expose mine until they are ready to expose OW's. That simple. I don't think it's too much to ask or that I am being jelous or unreasonable with this request. Am I?

I think you are being jealous. I understand that, and I would be too. But yeah, that's how I see it. Also, in a way this is a lose lose for you

except in one respect...the reality of it all NOT "blending in SO WELL...SO PERFECTLY....

that ain't gonna happen and maybe the sooner they learn that, the better. B/c it'll be easier to turn this ship around before they get too set in their ways, let them see how it all DOES NOT blend so well.

And if we are all wrong, and they are soul mates truly meant to be together and you and OWs ex h were just egg donors, well, how does delaying that help? In fact the sooner YOU learn of all that stuff, the faster you will be able to detach

IF that is what happens...and if not, then it'll be easier for him to reverse course by finding out SOONER, that it's not going to be such a breeze for all the kids.

one thing, and you don't need to tell him this, is that I would not lie for him or cover for him with the kids. I would also NOT be the messenger of any awkward "bad daddy" news

but if that question comes up, from your kids, refer them to their dad and if his answer generates questions of you, be open and honest THEN.


The problem with this is that he can simply say no, get upset and not come over to my place on Tue and Thu. So then I would not accomplish anything to either protect my kids or further improve our R.

CORRECT

On the other hand, maybe it would be better for OW to start interacting with my kids. To have them both face the reality of their romance with children and real life problems in the mix - diapers, tantrums, midnight feedings, etc. It might help bring H back to reality or it could help them strengthen their bond as well...

Never too soon to learn...Yeah I'm leaning more towards this as I ponder the tough night we had not long ago (& our kids are grown, with one teenager who got the shingles) --who knew you could get those at that age??--and her misery was MY misery and geez, reminded me of the Chicken pox when they were so little and how lovely that was...yeah, let OW have it... I mean...well, you know..
and do we "know" anything about OW's h? Maybe he's an honest to God jerk, but I bet he's hurting...or maybe she just got bored?

.

I don't know how to proceed. I ULTIMATELY WANT TO DO WHAT WILL BE BEST FOR MY KIDS AND MY R WITH H. I want to give myself a chance to make any inroads with him but I don't what strategy to use at this point.

- be loving, cooperative, accepting of what he wants and welcoming at home all the time

Me likey ^^^ AND what's the downside risk of it? Being a "doormat"? Really? I don't see that, not from you, and I mean that as a compliment.

- establish boundaries and try to protect kids (might not succeed anyways)

your "boundaries" are not enforceable!...and protect them from what? They will meet her if she remains in his life, and frankly I'm beginning to think that the longer you keep them all apart, the longer the delay of reality[b] and the reality [/b]MIGHT be UNFUN for him and OW and

so maybe you are postponing a good development...make sense?

so, YOU keep changing you, and go ahead and let them see how green their grass is...

- go dim and act as what we are - a separated couple and let him see the consequences of his choice so he can miss kids and me...

explain this^^^....

But what exactly are you saying when you mean "go dim" and "let him see the consequences"...?? I DO believe you must do some GAL for sure, with some mystery involved. And do NOT pooh pooh the idea of dating OM to your h if he says anything....don't be shocked or outraged....act as if that's probably going to happen and let him think sooner, rather than later if you want. You can laugh it off "oh h, as if I am even thinking that way now, oh you like my new perfume? So does my new...um, co-worker... "

Please - any help will be greatly appreciated.

it's not an easy situation.

Keep on keeping on.

No matter what happens, KNOW that you are becoming a better woman and wife than you ever would have been

but for this nightmarish ordeal - that will someday bring you to a place of peace and light and love.

Hang in there.


((( )))