It's been a rough few days. The kids are showing physical signs of the stress. I need to make some serious changes around here for their sake, just not sure what or how. S17 said he is having trouble falling asleep and staying asleep the past 2 weeks. S15 has been nauseous and dizzy for two days.
Yesterday morning when this was all coming to light, I took some action to help the boys in the short term, something to take for the stomach and drove them to school because S17 was too tired to get behind the wheel.
When I got home H was still in bed and said that we need to simplify, and we are all trying to read each others minds and waiting for the next shoe to drop. He suggested a movie and early to bed night for all. I agreed that a movie would be nice for all.
By the time he got home, he had a very cool mood but we watched the movie. After the movie the kids went to bed early.
I went out back and H took a call in the house. I wanted to give him his privacy. When he came out the talks turned to R a bit and some things came out that he said he has been trying to tell me and he thinks I will never hear him. He said that he needs his own identity, and that he feels I have a double standard.
Unfortunately some of my GAL was thrown in my face after this, which really hurts. He said he never goes anything or does anything and if he tries to, that I give him a hard time or he is afraid to approach me about it.
Since September he has taken a guys long weekend to the beach for "Irish Weekend", a trip to Napa which was an executive retreat for a software vendor, and multiple guys nights out. He goes to the gym every single night and is never home before 8pm, to the point that the neighbor commented on his late nights.
The only time I really raised a concern was when he suggested he wanted to go to our friends sons bachelor party in Las Vegas and I was concerned with the cost of it.
So then he proceeded to toss a few of my trips out, which were 95% work related (I am an event planner and need to attend at times). One time was a girls weekend on Long Island, first time I had seen my friend in a year.
So this morning I was silently crying at 4am, he heard me and got upset. He was afraid it would get louder and the kids would hear. He said "the kids are already mad at me, they can't hear you crying"
I apologized and he apologized.
Through gritted teeth he said "I want my marriage, I want my family but first I want peace"
At this time it was 5am and rather than lay there wide awake and risk saying something more or angering him, I got up and did a 180. I went for a run in the neighborhood.
During my run I was able to clear my head a bit and toss around some things. I am sad about my sitch and really miss the way he used to look at me. I miss the way he would call me affectionate names, etc. But I also realize that something is different now and I need to face that fact.
When he gets up later, I plan to acknowledge his statement earlier re: needing his own identity. I need to know in my own head that this is part of the MLC, because he very clearly had an identity and always enjoyed his life before (boating, sports, golfing).
But I will let him know that I will not stand in his way of finding his identity. I will also let him know that I have to stay true to my own personal boundaries.
S17 just woke up and he is clearly still having trouble with sleep, I really need to pull things together for them.
I just don't know how to do it while still living under this pressure cooker and trying to not argue with H.
