It's been a rough few days. The kids are showing physical signs of the stress. I need to make some serious changes around here for their sake, just not sure what or how. S17 said he is having trouble falling asleep and staying asleep the past 2 weeks. S15 has been nauseous and dizzy for two days.
Yesterday morning when this was all coming to light, I took some action to help the boys in the short term, something to take for the stomach and drove them to school because S17 was too tired to get behind the wheel.
When I got home H was still in bed and said that we need to simplify, and we are all trying to read each others minds and waiting for the next shoe to drop. He suggested a movie and early to bed night for all. I agreed that a movie would be nice for all.
By the time he got home, he had a very cool mood but we watched the movie. After the movie the kids went to bed early.
I went out back and H took a call in the house. I wanted to give him his privacy. When he came out the talks turned to R a bit and some things came out that he said he has been trying to tell me and he thinks I will never hear him. He said that he needs his own identity, and that he feels I have a double standard.
Unfortunately some of my GAL was thrown in my face after this, which really hurts. He said he never goes anything or does anything and if he tries to, that I give him a hard time or he is afraid to approach me about it.
Since September he has taken a guys long weekend to the beach for "Irish Weekend", a trip to Napa which was an executive retreat for a software vendor, and multiple guys nights out. He goes to the gym every single night and is never home before 8pm, to the point that the neighbor commented on his late nights.
The only time I really raised a concern was when he suggested he wanted to go to our friends sons bachelor party in Las Vegas and I was concerned with the cost of it.
So then he proceeded to toss a few of my trips out, which were 95% work related (I am an event planner and need to attend at times). One time was a girls weekend on Long Island, first time I had seen my friend in a year.
So this morning I was silently crying at 4am, he heard me and got upset. He was afraid it would get louder and the kids would hear. He said "the kids are already mad at me, they can't hear you crying"
I apologized and he apologized.
Through gritted teeth he said "I want my marriage, I want my family but first I want peace"
At this time it was 5am and rather than lay there wide awake and risk saying something more or angering him, I got up and did a 180. I went for a run in the neighborhood.
During my run I was able to clear my head a bit and toss around some things. I am sad about my sitch and really miss the way he used to look at me. I miss the way he would call me affectionate names, etc. But I also realize that something is different now and I need to face that fact.
When he gets up later, I plan to acknowledge his statement earlier re: needing his own identity. I need to know in my own head that this is part of the MLC, because he very clearly had an identity and always enjoyed his life before (boating, sports, golfing).
But I will let him know that I will not stand in his way of finding his identity. I will also let him know that I have to stay true to my own personal boundaries.
S17 just woke up and he is clearly still having trouble with sleep, I really need to pull things together for them.
I just don't know how to do it while still living under this pressure cooker and trying to not argue with H.
After getting it out, and then re-reading my own words I know what I need to do.
Detach detach detach!!!
I am getting sucked into the crazy conversations and trying to make sense of them. There is no making sense of them. I knew this 2 days ago, why in the world did I lose that.
Autumn... I was on DB for about three years... I just read your sitch, and was complelled to update my 2-year old signature, and respond...
I'll be back when I don't have to type from my phone...
But, I have one huge word(s) of advice:
You need to find out of this man is having an affair. It certainly sounds like it, and you can't work on you or your family until you know what you're dealing with.
I had my head in the sand for over two years... Everyone else here "knew".
Don't let that become you.
I would have done anything to save my marriage, mostly for my kids...
There is true happiness for you on either side of this mess.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Thank you mindfull, I really appreciate you taking the time to reach out. I look forward to hearing from you more.
I have thought of it, and asked him more than once. He denies it, and swears he is just unhappy with his life, feels unfulfilled, and lives groundhog day. I hold him back from finding his happiness.
Obviously I know he could be lying to me, but short of hiring a private detective I am not sure how I find out what I am dealing with which makes me anxious.
I have a right to know, so I can make choices. I don't want to think I am dealing with one sitch and really it is another. Very unsettling.
Something tells me that it will be a 2 run type of day today. Feeling very anxious.
First off. I did Couch-to-5k. I got such strength and confidence (physically) from it!
Secondly. I have a profession, and got out and about a fair amount.
Thirdly. I asked. Of course, he denied. Of course, he was just unhappy...
It took two and a half years to be able to "hear" the truth... My XH had control of all cell phone records, cc bills, and anything trackable... I did hire a PI. It was well worth every penny.
I had a lying, cheating (w/girls almost half his age), husband who had a lease on an $1800/month appt, and hadn't paid our taxes in 12+ years... We had tons and tons of debt, while we lived water-front in a huge home, kids in private schools, and every cleaning/maint staff on payroll.
It didnt take long to detach once I saw the pics and prof, and I was able to "silently" prepare for my exit before acting...
Funny, in that time... Once I detached and became unfeeling towards him... He came to me.
I think I could have had him back... But, now, did I want someone like this?
This is why I encourage you to just find out, and decide if what you have in front of you is salvageable. You have boys looking up to you. You have your heart and confidence to protect.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Wow we are remarkably similar, I understand what you mean completely about running. I start out a little slow and the further I am into it I feel strong and empowered. If I start to feel a little edgy, a run takes care of it. I don't like the raw emotions of this sitch, and need to find a good outlet. The strength is a good side bonus. That and the weight loss.
When he got up this morning, I simply stated "I want you to know that I heard you, and I'm sorry if I didn't hear you sooner. I will not stand in your way of finding your happiness or identity, providing that it is nothing that is hurtful to me"
I don't know if that last statement was DB or not, but I felt that I had to make my boundary clear.
He proceeded to say "I want you to know that I want my marriage and I want to be here, we just need to bring it down a bit for all of our sakes. We can then talk about everything"
I told him that is not what I am asking for, and he said "I know, but I need you to know that I want my marriage"
I am reminding myself to believe nothing that he says and only a % of what he does. I hope I got that right, but the reminder is because in the past I have been so quick to take everything at face value and when he flips the switch again I am hurt
I went back and read some of your posts from before mindfull, as a newbie I am still trying to understand some sitch's.
I found myself detaching this morning which really helps to take the emotion out of it for me, which helps a lot.
Of course once I did that H was confused and his entire attitude changed. He went to get bloodwork this morning, and was going straight to work from there. I was surprised when he pulled back in the driveway.
He showed up with a latte for me, and said he wanted to offer a peace offering. He asked if I minded if he sat down for breakfast before heading to work. As he was leaving, he told me ILY
Not long ago, possibly days ago, I would have fallen right back and thought everything is ok now. I clearly know that its not.
I thanked him for the coffee and he left. He then called me on his drive to work..odd
Since we both got to work this morning, he emailed me twice. I have yet to respond because I am working, I am busy.
One of them was a work question, but it is one of my employees who is handling that project so I simply asked her to update him on the project when she had a chance.
Tonight is my appointment with my nutritionist so I am thankful to have that to look forward to, and reading here when I can helps a lot too.
Okay, I have a few minutes of solitude, while I take a break from... MOVING. Ick!
Keep running! I loved, loved, loved it... I started w/the Couch to 5k again a few months back, but had to stop. I was doing the program one day, and feeling particularly athletic, and thought I'd sprint the last run. Well, I was running in my neighborhood, on a street that has little traffic, w/my eyes closed... I must have ran faster than I thought, considering where I was, and ran into a curb... twisted my ankle. God. Small stress fracture - from being dumb!!
So.
Don't do that.
Do you know what it is that H is looking for or finds missing? Does he feel like he's been husband/father so long, and so intensely over the last years that he's not himself anymore?
Two thoughts... Both equally important to consider #1 - He's using that as an excuse to do either a) guy stuff; and/or b) cheat on you. Hey, it's giving him space, w/out losing his family, right? #2 - He might be in mid-life doldrums where he feels like this is "all" he is anymore. (And, for that I say, BOO HOO. Grow up. You created this life, now deal w/it, and be a husband and father to your family.)
I just plain don't do moods. I spent 2 1/2 years in limbo. I am SO sickened by the memory of it now.
So... I'm glad he wants his marriage. Now, does he want it, PLUS all of this "other" stuff he's doing... I think you need to know what that "other" stuff is. If he's innocent in regards to cheating, great... But, you need draw some definite boundaries regarding his time away from home, and what activities he's enjoying away from home.
Hey, it would be fun to escape and leave everyone behind someday(s)... to just play. Sorry, Dude... you have a wife and family at home suffering in your self-induced misery.
That's my help so far.
I'll be back.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
which makes me anxious. 