Feel like I'm living the movie Groundhog Day...

[workinghardguy]

Journaling... very mixed day... actually, guess not that mixed as I can't thing of a high point to offset the low, but maybe it's just that I'm dealing with the low better, or better for now anyway.

W was off and I was at work today. These are the days that are hard for me. We used to text and talk a dozen times a day on these kinds of days... maybe meet for lunch or breakfast. So I find myself obsessing about her on these kinds of days. But I pushed through it. Maybe my most productive day at work in a while.

Realized today that at my last IC appt I was in a hurry so I didn't make another appt. Feeling it now and called to make one... first appt is Dec 7. Well that suxx.

W texted me at work to ask me to get meds for S. He's got a bronchial thing and croup, poor kid. Then she called me to see when I was coming home. Got home and W and I had chinese while watching Sons of Anarchy together. S passed out on the couch. I went to bed early b/c I have to get up extra early tomorrow. I volunteered to roast a turkey for my S's school's community dinner tomorrow night.

Before going to bed had some time and I was looking at old photos of W and I on my Facebook account. Don't ask me why... just was. There was one I was looking for and then realized it was in my W's account. So I went over to her profile... lo and behold she has deleted every photo that had me in it. Granted that's not that many photos (I'm usually behind the camera). But the two that hurt the most was that she deleted the family photo we took of her, me, SS, SD, and S all standing as a family outside her nursing school graduation. And she deleted the photo of her nursing school pinning ceremony. That's the one that hurts the most frankly. At the pinning ceremony you ask the person who has meant the most to you and been the most supportive of you during nursing school to pin your nurse's pin on you. She asked me to pin her. I've always been so proud of that moment.

I know they're just digital bits... and they're FB photos, the actuals still exist, but it hurts pretty bad. Just a few clicks and you can be deleted from someone's life.

I don't know why she needed to do that today (and I know it happened today). Wish I did. Maybe a reaction to our R talk the other day. Maybe steeling herself for her first C appointment on Friday. Who the hell knows, but it hurts.

And then that frustrates me... it shouldn't really matter. She already sees me as her XH, I know this. It's simply a reflection of where she is at. I don't believe she did it to hurt me... just wish I could understand her thinking. I think what bothers me is that they are just photos... she had to go actively hunt them out to remove them. Whatever.

So I started this out with a "mixed day". I guess the mix part is that I didn't storm up to her and ask why she deleted the photos. I cried a little, yes, but I'm not devastated. It is what it is. It's a symptom of her thinking. I'm growing accustomed to her not wanting me. I still want her, but if she doesn't want me, then it's not going to be. I'll survive.

Ah... sounds like S's croup attack just waned and the meds put him back to sleep. Time to carry him up to bed for the second time tonight.