Thanks you all! It's really crazy that you can know all these things and you can recognize that you are not the problem - but it doesn't change the heartache. I was at my best when I was a part of that family. I gave the best of myself - I became my best during the 30 years I was with him. Now, I am working to continue to be the best mother I can be. I am working to take better care of myself. I am really trying to determine my new boundaries, beliefs, and goals. I want to find new outlets and new hope.
Moving on...
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
My son made some profound revelations recently - he said "Mom - I really believe that I shouldn't have to make so much effort to have a relationship with Dad. He should just BE here - he should just BE available to me when I need him. I shouldn't have to go find him or reach out to him. He should just be here." He went on to say that if his dad was dead he would have different feelings but the fact that his dad CHOSE to walk out of his day-to-day life has eliminated any real desire to have a relationship with him.
As always, I ask him - "When you look back 5 or 10 years down the road will you regret not making more of an effort or reaching out more?" He said - "I honestly don't think so. l don't like his choices, I don't like who he hangs out with, I don't have time to get everything done as it is - I don't want to put myself around negative things."
My boy is going to be 18 in 3 w eeks. He has a right to his feelings and he has a right tomake his own decisions. I am sad about the entire situation - I can only hope that when my son becomes a husband and a father he will know the meaning of commitment and will know how to handle this time in his life.
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
IB my children feel exactly the same. The two older ones have a limited and fairly distant r [6 years on, though] but my youngest still excludes my xh from his life. I think one day he might let him in, but he has been gone more than a quarter of his life, for no very good reason that my son can see. Apart from monumental self centredness. I see my xh's hurt but I am not sure that the children do
Beatrice - I definitely see my X's hurt, anger, frustration from the lack of relationship - primarily with our son. In some way it's as if he has "written off" his relationship with our older girls. But he's all into his "new" family with OW and her grandchildren. Funny, one of the things he told me when he left was that he didn't want the responsibility any longer. Of course, he forgets that he said that - but we all know that's part of the script. Anyway, I'm determined to make this a great holiday. Last year definitely had a pall over it and my kids deserve better. Went to the holiday craft store last night with my friend and watched as she picked out her decorations. Felt a deep sadness. I used to get into it so much - tried to make everything look perfect. Realized that the majority of the reason for me doing it was to make X see how great everything was - how beautiful our life was. Spent a lifetime trying to be perfect and trying to make everything perfect because he was such a hard man to please. Never would share what would make him happy. I have been fighting a losing battle my whole adult life. Now I need to figure out what would make ME happy and I'm having a tough time doing it.
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Now I need to figure out what would make ME happy and I'm having a tough time doing it.
Have you considered doing some kind of volunteer work?
I know your son is still living at home and time may be limited. My D's are 19 and 16 so I don't have all the time I'd like for such endevors. Still, I've found it's been a really gooe way for me to put things into perspective and find what I want for myself.
I know I might sound crazy - BUT I had a great sign of healing today! Over the last few years, when the bombs have dropped I felt as if my cortisol levels bottomed out. I could not feel that rush of adrenaline any longer.
So tonight I was watching a suspenseful show and for the first time in almost 2 years I felt the rush of fear. I actually FELT something!!! I hope I don't sound like a loon - but it's as if a thaw is occurring and I can begin to feel again!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
So, went to son's first game. X was there and did not bring OW. Thankfully. S got shaky at the game and I went to the training room with him. X walks in and he's offended that S is just speaking to me. I wanted to scream at him - "What part of abandonment don't you get?" After the last couple of times where I've tried to reach out civilly to him and discuss S within 24 hours he turns into this arrogant SOB and initiates his list of demands of how S and I are supposed to behave. So I do not open that door any longer. S will be 18 in a couple of weeks. That's their issue - NOT MINE!
Just needed to vent! Hate feeling p*ssed off!!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
The past couple of days have been a struggle. Not so much missing X - more so feeling the overwhelming burden of responsibility for parenting, maintaining the home, preparing for the holidays, etc. I want it to be easier by now. I feel as though I have nothing to look forward to - except more and more responsibility. I was recently reading a book that talked about when men leave as a result of midlife crisis, or not wanting responsibility etc. It basically said - it [censored], but there is really no explanation behind it except for basic character flaws that were revealed. It said it was the hardest type of break up to get over - because women want to blame themselves and in these situations it is not their fault.
So I keep moving forward, building as much of a life as possible within the boundaries of the responsibilities I have, and I keep trying to give release to the sadness that seems to be ever present in my heart.
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
