Living with groundlessness

[AntoniaB]

You know Beatrice I have a friend/colleague whose husband died after about 20 years...and she is now remarried, but her first husband is still a big presence in her life. I tried to help her put things away this wkend. She moved several months ago and has not really put anything away. She packed up the old house, which was hers and the first husband's stuff--and moved into the new house which she and the new husband own, but the new husband is in England for half the year. She is unable to put things away. She keeps saying she has to "go through" and "figure out what stays and what goes" and "make sure she finds the things that her deceased husband gave her over the years, like letters, to hide them from new husband as he wouldn't like seeing them." New husband (with whom she has been for 5 years) was married 2 times before he married her. I don't see why he'd care. I think it's more about her. I don't think she can let the deceased husband go, even with a new life in so many ways.

Now the difference I see between our situations is that her first husband loved her completely till the moment he died. He did not betray her. Ever. But mine did. So in my mind, I'm cheated of this future with him because he CHOSE to cut me off/cut me out of his life. But I guess what you're saying is that even someone who lost a spouse to an unexpected death feels the same thing? See I've always thought as horrible as it would be, if XH had died and not betrayed me, I'd at least know that he loved me till he died, and I don't "get that". But maybe it's not a better feeling? I can't ask my friend this. I don't know her well enough to ask something that personal.

But I wonder. I think in the scheme of life I know that there are people who have it worse than me--like people who have a terminal illness and must deal with that, or who have to watch a loved one die. My brother in law just experienced that this week. Yet in the scheme of "relationships" I feel like those of us who are betrayed have it "worse" than anyone else...but maybe that's not true.

My B. in law said once "at least your ex is still alive, I can never see my sister again (as his sister died of cancer 2 years ago). And I think yeah, he's alive, but he doesn't care a whit about me anymore. So that's not helping.

I sound like a child, I really do. Just stuff I have to work through and put into perspective. I have to get rid of the "it's not fair" mantra. I have to tell myself that crap happens to good people too, all the time....