A Bklyn tale

[keep_going]

Hi BM,

Sounds like you are making a lot of progress! Keep it up. I can see just from reading all your thread the difference in your emotional state of mind and the increase in positive attitude. That is great!

I have read all your posts and we have a lot of similarities both in personality and our situations. I am finding inspiration for how well you are doing in such a short time. This is definitely a rollercoaster ride and nobody knows when it will end.

I know there is no OW in your case, but I also have very young kids - 4, almost 3 and 4 month old.
I am also hot-tempered and my H is more of the non-verbal type.
He was always walking on eggshells due to my outbursts and our constant arguing.
He said he felt unhappy for a long time and finally had it.

I also didn't appreciate him, took him for granted and didn't show him love or respect.

I wasn't mature enough to realize that our M required work. I was too resentful about our situation and harbored a lot of anger and preferred to be right. Didn't realize how bad he was hurting...

When he left, I first got angry - how could he not tell me before it was too late? How could he do this with our kids being so young? We had just bought a house and we had been trying to get pregnant for a year... In other words, I blamed him.

The truth is that there were warning signs - I didn't see them and probably chose not to to protect my ego? The truth is that he did try to talk to me - couldn't reach me. I was too angry...

So he finally snapped and gave up. When I told him I was pregnant, he felt trapped and desperate (he told me later on).

Like you, I made a lot of mistakes during our M - he tried and I pushed him away. I withheld affection, sex, emotional connection. I just took him for granted and abused him emotionally and tried to punish him because I also felt abandoned, hurt and angry.

We also didn't communicate well - I would demand things and he would shut down because I would not listen.
I also worked too much and once we had kids, things started to deteriorate quickly.
I am telling you - we have a lot of similarities.

There are also cultural differences in our case. I come from a Latin family background - very loud, opinionated and in each other's business within the family. He comes from a German background, had an alcoholic father, so everyone in his family is conflict-averse. Raising one's voice is a definite no, no for him. That also hurt our M tremendously... As soon as I would raise my voice, he would tune me out.

The problem - I rnow ealize what I did, but he wants nothing to do with me. He has said he thinks our R is beyond repair - regardless of OW... My job will be to hopefully change his minds thru my actions - slow and consistent changes so he can believe he can have it all with me - the family he is leaving and a great, loving R with his wife and not OW...

My H started an EA before moving out. I believe that this OW started showing him that his life could be different, that he could find someone who would love him and appreciate him. So he left. I was not even 2 months pregnant then...

He started dating a month after he left and his R with OW strengthened. I don't know when they got physical, but long story short, they are now together and very much in love.

From the get-go, H asked for D. I never felt I got a second chance. When he left, he was done, done. I have tried DBing, with some progress in the spring. Then his R with OW got stronger (still can't figure out exactly why - did I push him there?) He finally committed to her and told me just two weeks after our son was born.

Like in your case, my H has hurt me so bad since he left... Just mean, inconsiderate and disrespectful. I can see a lot of anger in him sometimes and sometimes guilt. Sometimes he is just clueless and sometimes he is in OW-land and cannot see past her...
In anger, he has told me - "none of the hurt you are feeling will ever compare to the pain I suffered in 13 years of an emotionally abusive marriage." OUCH... I think that says it all. The difference is that now I own my past mistakes.

Like you, I have also had a hard time telling people about our separation. It's been almost a year and only close friends and family know. I am not back at work, so nobody in my professional field know.
I just see the face of sadness and compassion everyone gives me when they find out. I can see everyone thinking "but they have such young kids and a newborn..."
I feel aweful and really don't want to get into it with people, even after all this time. I know I will have to face the music at some point, but right now I am focusing on my kids and trying to stabilize our situation.

H is now back to D talks full-force and wants us to remain friends. (I believe your H wanted the same...) How can they think so, right?

I sensed him going through conflicting emotions, depression and guilt back in the spring. Now he seems at peace and completely committed to his decision to pursue R with OW. Logistically for them, there are a lot of obstacles, so the fact that they are willing to go for it says a lot about how strong their feelings are.

H has not filed, but I think that is coming soon. I cannot control that, so like you, I am now focusing #1 on controlling my anger and forgiveness...
It's hard to do, but I am taking it one exchange at a time. I am seeing an anger-management counselor.

Some tips from her:
- breathing and grounding exercises several times a day. We have young kids and are constantly on the move. Need to de-compress thruout.
- Practice Yoga and exercise. (I started strong, but have faltered on this one lately...)
- Preparing mentally for every interaction with H. If I know I will be with him for 3 hrs, I focus on being positive and loving for that period of time. I visualize the exchanges before he arrives. I try to predict triggers (comments re. OW, D, etc.)
I also try to think of the ways I will show "as if" behaviors and how much interaction I will have with him.
- I write and come here more often.
- I work on getting negative thoughts out of my mind.
- I remind myself that this is a marathon - it took me years to get here and will take years to get out of this mess.
- I focus on my kids - hug and kiss them often, try to really focus on them when they are with me and even if I need to, force myself to laugh and be happy around them.

Anyways, a lot here. Just wanted to tell you how much I understand what you are going thru and really - I think you are doing great. Keep it up and be patient... I know I lack that and it's another area to work on.
Don't lose faith - most people around us have, so don't let that deter you from what your heart wants and what your family needs.

I'll keep tabs of your situation and progress.

(( ))