DB'ing is soooo hard!

[Telemark]

What do you think is the best way to handle an OM, an EA?

I'm pretty pissed about it. The OM is my cousin so I'm feeling doubly betrayed. My W tells me it is only a deep friendship with no romantic part to it at all. She says its a friendship that helps her navigate her way through a mid-life crisis. Yet, they spends hours every day speaking on the phone, take day trips together, she stays at his house out of state, and she buys him gifts. When they talk it definitely sounds flirty, but no obvious romantic wording.

I call BS. Is she saying things to him that she could say in front of you? Is she sharing details about your marriage? Is she seeking validation from him that she should be seeking from you?

As soon as I hear or read "just friends" I am convinced it's not "just friends". The day trips, the gifts, staying at his house...danger, Will Robinson.

Your situation is very similar to what I went through when my W was in her EA. I confronted, I snooped, I laid down the "him or me" ultimatum...and he was still 1700 miles away. In the end she moved out and he dropped everything to come live with her. So did I help my cause or help bury it? Don't know; the reason I'm sharing this dismal account with you is to urge you to stop and think very carefully about every word you say and every action you take with your W about this.

You could try to not mention the OM and hope it burns out; that is a tough path, because it goes against our expectations of loyalty and honor from our spouses. You could expose the OM and lay down your "no contact with him ever again" boundary, which might work but more likely will drive her away in a big hurry.

For now, I'd say do nothing. Continue to DB the best way possible, but discretely monitor what goes on in the house. DO NOT SNOOP! That never ends well. If you suspect your W is ramping up her EA into something else, come here first and air it out. That will give you time to think about your next move and get some feedback from those who have gone before you.

Be strong but be vigilant.