Great post from 25.. especially the part of triggers. Spend some time there finding how this applies to your relationship.
Yes you did not put the bottle to his mouth and make him drink. But you were an enabler.. Speaking of.. are you reading CoDependent No More yet??
I'll give my input... although I'm not quite sure it will be popular. Of course remember this is just my perspective. I'm sure you will do what's best for you.
As I said briefly yesterday, I don't think you should send the letter at all. IF it is so you can set boundaries ONLY, which I'm not completely convinced that it is, You don't need to go into a long winded explanation... you just set them and stick to them.
If your husband attacks you, walk away from the conversation, stop him and tell him you won't be spoken to that way.
You do not need to yell, you do not need to attack back. Set the boundary and let it be done.
Trust me.. your actions will speak louder than any letter every written.
Realize that you cannot STOP your H for the way he feels. He's going to blame you for his drinking until there is a shift in his heart to look at himself. Until he can face his demons.
And that might take awhile, that may never happen.. we just don't know what the future holds....
...which is why you need to deal with your anger, why you need to forgive both yourself and your husband
I had a pretty big/awesome realization the past week. I posted on my thread if you wanted to take a look.
In short, my w was being exactly who I wanted her to be. She was kind, she was honest, she was taking responsibility... and I was pissed! .
Just Stunned wrote me - Don't let best get in the way of better.
I was pissed because the "getting better" didn't fit into our marriage. It didn't "fit" in my definition of her getting better. In the past 7 months, 95% of my w's actions was the same. When I experienced the 5%... instead of thanking God, I was only remember the 95%.
I now strive to live by JS' saying...
My w will not be best.. not for awhile, maybe not ever.. but I'm going to stop punishing her for her better. I will applaud her 5%. I will force myself to think of all the positives she is doing, remembering that she is growing at her own speed, and quit expecting her to grow at MY speed.
I think your H is doing good things. Is he where he needs to be.. No.. but your "stinkin thinkin" won't help him.. and it won't help you.
He was being civil the other night.. well praise God for that.
He came over and fixed your car.. well praise God for that!
See where I'm going?
My mom and friends are cautioning me right now. "Don't go thinking she's changed, don't put your heart out there.. you'll get hurt"
I said "I'm not thinking she's changed.. I'm just thanking God for his work in her".
I guess what I am saying in short... is to praise God when your husband acts in a positive way. Applaud your h for the changes he has made, stop punishing him for them and for the changes he hasn't made (cause that only hurts you).
Protect yourself, set boundaries, but do not lose sight of being loving. Loving toward you and towards him.
It's a fine balance.. but you'll find it.. if you spend the time looking.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
