Wife just told me doesn't want to be married

[Telemark]

witz10, you need to slow down and take a breath. As Mr. Bond said, hitting the hookup sites is a big mistake. You are nowhere near ready to even think about another relationship, even if it is only to get your jollies. And I say that because I'm in the same place (read my story of woe).

If you want to save your marriage, you need to stop reacting and start pro-acting. The DB and DR books are for you to save yourself; saving the marriage is a bonus. But you won't get out of the gate if you continue to let your emotions dictate your actions.

Right now your W is not the same woman you married. Somewhere along the way she has decided she would be better off not married to you; the "why" of that is something you can't really address, because even she is probably not sure why. Is there an OM? I think there is; sorry to say that. And if there is, that makes this 10X harder...but not impossible.

You need to give her the time and space she feels that she needs. Any other actions will be perceived by her as pursuit or desperation, neither of which are at all attractive.

Regarding her birthday - I would simply wish her a HB by e-mail; nothing more. At all. No presents, no flowers...nothing. If you want to give her something from the kids, that is OK.

Regarding the possible OM...that hurts big time, and I really feel for you, witz10. But it's out of your control. Do not dignify his existence by mentioning him to your W and especially to your kids. As far as you are concerned, he does not deserve a second of your thoughts. When your imagination starts to run away with them, think of a big STOP sign and force yourself to think of or do anything else. Yeah, it sounds corny. And it works.

Do you know about "as if"? Act "as if" you've moved on. Be a rock for your kids, of course, but as far as your W is concerned, you've got a life to live and by God you're going to live it. Be kind to her, polite to her and do not engage in any arguments or accusations; don't let her bait you into that. If she chooses to join you in your life, she will reap the benefits of a new, strong, confident witz10 who has looked inside himself, seen the demons he needs to destroy and has destroyed them. If she chooses to walk away, it's her loss.

It's the only way of dealing with this that will see you through to the other side with your self-esteem, self-respect and - pardon the expression - balls intact.