Pretty sure this is a MLC or Identity Crisis

[tested metal]

The W informed me today that she has contacted her lawyer and wants a stipulated divorce and demanded that I call him within the next week to set up the appointment. I replied that I am busy for the next week and a half but will call him after that.
I decided to take a vacation and go see some old friends that I have not seen in 5 years and it happens to be next week. I will not let W's plans affect that. This is part of my GALing.

As for the divorce, I have decided not to fight it as I have very little money and she is being funded by her parents. I am now putting this into the hands of God and praying for the best.

I have realized that I am only seeing a very small part of the puzzle and that hopefully later, probably years later, I will see the bigger picture, possibly the while thing.

I am still scared, and not sleeping much, but I need to face through this fear.

I did a dumb thing and went on a dating site and chatted up a few women, but did not set any dates. I realized that I was trying to make myself feel better by feeling attractive to someone else, which is very selfish, especially since i could hurt an innocent person. I have since removed myself from that site.

I also realized that right now I am very vulnerable and I have been fighting being alone throughout this thing. Maybe my love for my wife was really just fear of being lonely... I don't know. I still wish the best for her and part of me hates her for what is going on right now, even though I know she is in the process of finding herself. GALing does not equal "GALing" At least my W isn't getting my sense of humor in the divorce.

I have used this month to do some serious thought about myself and how I relate to others, but I think that maybe I might be pushing too hard to analyze it and that I just need to be. It will come when it comes, but I need to be open to accepting possible negative criticism. I probably have not been the best husband or friend in the last year mainly due to the stress of raising a baby, working 2 jobs, and dealing with W's drama. Excuses aside, I should have handled it better.

I have decided to pursue antidepressants as I find my mind wandering quite a bit lately to the upcoming divorce stuff and it is sapping my energy and affecting my work and quality of life. I would go to counseling if I could afford it, and I realize all this is normal.

Anyway, I thought I would journal this as it may help put my mind at ease tonight and help me sleep. I have developed a nasty habit of waking up at 2 am every morning and staying awake in bed until 5 am. Usually it is because my mind is instantly racing about al this stuff and I can't shut it off (tried the stop sign, but it keeps coming back). I can't even imagine what W feels like as she has been going through the same thing for about 1 yr. now. It's kinda sad. I feel like I have started becoming the MLCer with the recent changes and I realize that now i am trying to find/create a new identity, mainly because it feels like the old one was ripped away from me. I suppose that's where GALing comes in to play.

Thanks for reading and if you have anything, please feel free to post. Thank you for all your support!

[Kimmerz]

Hi tested metal,
Well Just wanted to say you're not the only one that is up at 2 a.m. with their minds churning! I hate it because I have to get up at 4 a.m. I will crash and fall asleep for 3 - 4 hours and sleep great. Then I wake up and my mind is churning.

So it looks like you've recently just been separated. I've only been separated 6 months, and at times it still feels so brand new. Some advice, don't push yourself too hard in regards to your emotions and what you're feeling. We all want to because the emotions are really tough and it's just not a mood, it's something that sticks for a while. Im glad you looked into antidepressants.

I did the same thing over dating sites. I signed up and canceled several times. I had one up and cancelled yesterday. I have another one where I think I've made a pen pal, but other than that Im just not intersted. I gave him my email and told him Im going to cancel. Remember we're very vulnerable right now. Someone just to soothe the lonliness, help us to feel loveable again, and boost our self esteem is all what rebound relationships are. I don't ever want to hurt anyone else the way I've been hurt, so Im working on me being ready for a real relationship.

Take care

[cat04]

TM,

Everything you are feeling is normal.

It is all normal in periods of transition, not just MLC, separation, whatnot...

I have recently moved a signifigant distance. While it is a happy move for me, I too have found sleep has been somewhat elusive, actually more like sporadic, and I know that is normal for the situation.

AD's can be quite helpful. I know they were for me and many others here.

You post occasionally. I would recommend posting more. It helps with the lonliness and with knowing that you are not the only one going through these things.

In many ways it's better than counseling. Ideas get bounced around, we also joke and play as well as commiserate and we support each other here in a way that I have not seen anywhere else.

Also I think it's great that you recognized that you were lookign for external validation with the dating sites. External validation has it's good points but it also has it's negative ones.

Have a great trip with your friends...

[tested metal]

I will post more frequently from now on. I guess the reason I stopped is that at times I start thinking that this is all BS., but that is just me letting my emotions get the better of me. Other times, I get angry at myself for backsliding, which I know is normal. I guess the other reason is that I am wondering if my W truely has a midlife crisis. She fits all the "criteria" except for it is hard to find the trigger, but maybe i am just lokking into it. I know she is in an identity crisis for sure, which is pretty much the same thing. But the heartlessness she displays while passing off as "cordial" really gets me. I guess that is something I need to work on for myself.

I think I may be in the stage of depression/isolation as I have just wanted to crawl under a rock and not have anything to do with anyone, except for the dating site of course. Boy, i am a mess! Hopefully I'll do better tommorrow!

[tested metal]

Well I am looking forward to my vacation tomorrow.

I also learned somethings about myself today. I decided to take a personality test today. I took one a long time ago, but wanted to see if anything had changed. Apparently I am a ENFJ (Myers-Briggs), which means my job as a therapist is perfect. I also felt a little better because I am a negotiator in relationships, which I can totally see as my role in the marriage. I also learned that I usually look for the big picture and can easily master concepts. But in getting the information, I may be prone to take to long to get the info and could be seen as indecisive.

I am very socially savvy and can get along with almost anyone. Apparently I prefer strong, decisive people to balance out my personality. This would explain my choice in my W.

Unfortunately, I am prone to believe the good in people to the point of being gullible and when I get burned I tend to hold grudges.

I thought this all was interesting and yet very true for myself. Looks like I have somethings to work on, but also got some validation in my interactions with others.

[tested metal]

Well the vacation went great. The W found out that I left town to visit friends because she called me on the day I was to return to tell me that Daughter was sick and she wanted me to take care of her while she went to work. When I told her that was not possible because I was out of town, she blew. (big surprise) She was mad that i had not called her laywer yet to start the stipulated divorce. I explained that my vacation was well deserved and that I was not going to ruin it thinking about the divorce. I told her that I would deal with it when I got back. She then made and appointment and told me to be there if it was covienent for me. ( same impatience as always in the relationship).

I will be sure to get advice from other laywers before meeting for the divorce. Friends are showing great support which is nice. Even her friends are wondering what is wrong with her.

Anywho, I feel like I may be turning a corner in my life and although I have a long way to go to heal on all different levels, I am taking this pretty well so far.

[tested metal]

Well the boosters are off again! After meeting with a lawyer to explain stipulated divorce proceedings I informed the W that I could not afford the atty right now and it would be a little while before i could save enough. She went ballistic, just as I was prepared for. She then told me she was going to set up an appt. for mediation and would inform me of the time. I repeated that I need to save the money. She said that from now on she is only contacting me through e- mail. No problem here.

Later that night she cries sobbing saying that she got demoted at her job because her "underlings" mutinied against her and threatened to quit if she was not removed. Of course they were sick of her controlling nature as she had been warned multiple times previously. There was also a rumor of her getting caught doing the dirty in the bathroom at the bar where she worked. I validated her feelings and was willing to be flexible with the times that I may need to look after D.

I then backslid and try to explain that I am not trying to be a jerk but i can't afford the lawyer right now, to which she got angry again and said that communication will only be by e-mail again. So much for being cordial.

Oh well. I have been focusing on my R with my D more and she is growing so fast! I am meeting new friends and have lost 45 pounds! I pretty much have written any future with the the W off at this point.

[tested metal]

I have been reading "The Five Love Languages" and I think my love language is Physical Touch/Acts of Service. This would make sense as I was always trying to do things around the house and would become defensive if I was criticized for messing something up.

As for the W's love language, it might be Quality time, although by the time I tried to spend time with her it was too late and she shunned me.

Anywho, this is what I have learned this week.

The W has laid off on the D talk for now, which is nice, but I expect it will be coming back with a vengence soon.

I am doing little things for myself right now like getting a free massage; meeting with friends once a week and going out for a beer or 2; renting a movie I always wanted to see; and reorganizing my personal and work schedule.

[tested metal]

I have been kicking around an idea to apply for a job that would increase my financial standing. The problem is it is 70 miles away and i would have to move there. I don't want to miss the little time I have with my Daughter, but I need to move to a more permanent residence by May and if W pulls the trigger on D proceedings I will be financially ruined in my current job.

I am thinking of just applying to see if there is interest. There is really nothing holding me where i live now besides my daughter (which is a big one!) I hate these decisions.

[tested metal]

I am starting to wonder if W is truely in MLC. She has a good relationship with D, but just wants me out of her life.

The reasons why I think she is in MLC is because:

She acts like a teenager.
She is dating a 57 yr. old biker with no future.
She parties like there's no tomorrow.
She has been having affairs.
She wast to be "cordial" but then hands me my butt on a plate.
She is very selfish.
I got the ILYBINLY bomb two different times.

To qualify during the pregnancy she was acting more grown up and actually thinking about the future. Before the pregnancy she would party a little, but it wasn't too bad.

Maybe my expectations of her changed when he had out kid. i know my expectations of myself sure did. They had to.

I guess maybe it doesn't matter whether it is MLC or not. I have started to detach pretty good now. Part of me wants to just get divorced to move on and completely detach, but I know that no matter what I will still have her in my life and not much will change, except my options for having a relationship with another someday.

She is pretty insistent on getting a D, but has backed off because of the added cost of mediation. I don't have the money for a D, and I don't want to enable her either by doing the dirty work for her.

Just throwing out my thoughts.