Confronted spouse...now he wont come home

[Nblost]

Just venting a bit here.

H came home late last night and I feel like I should be happier than I am. Nothing new, but there are days when it strikes me how self-centered he is. He works very hard--but his world feels to me like it is all about him. Even if he is struggling with his affair and ending our marriage, he gets to pick between a fun new girlfriend and his wife who is acting upbeat and propping up his home life so he doesn't have to worry about the kids. Meanwhile, I'm multi-tasking at all times to manage work, home, kids and trying to GAL.

I really do believe our issues are 50/50 (or I'd even take a bit more of the blame)...but so hard to be in this "limbo" stage and feeling like I am now taking the full brunt of his actions.

I also need to talk to H about the holidays...we just need to figure out some logistics so we can RSVP to family. I'm not sure why I dread the conversation so much. Really, what can get any worse? I guess deep down, I still have hope for us but I'm scared H will tell me that he is feeling stronger about his A.

Is it possible to feel like your heart is in a knot? That's what I feel like today.