Finally confronted H on affair...Now what????

[keep_going]

Hi,
I need some advice again...

Yesterday H said he wanted to ask me a favor. He wants me to let him come on Tue and Thu and stay in the house, rather than have to take the kids to his place. Our visitation arrangement on weekdays is that he is supposed to pick up kids on those days and bring them back by 7:30.

Because he cannot get to my place before 6:30, that really only gives him 1 hr. to come and go, which doesn't give him much time for anything else besides take them for yogurt or something.

The reason we have that arrangement is because for months I had an open door policy and he just came and went as he pleased and unannounced. My original goal was to make it as easy for him to come home and be with us as much possible so he could feel welcome, see my changes and miss us. I did see some progress at first, but then it all stalled. He chose OW and was truly inconsiderate about my needs. I felt he was just getting the best of all worlds. Be with OW when he could, and be with our kids when convenient for his schedule.

So then I decided I wanted to establish boundaries as well to have him miss us and experience what a separation is and also to get him not to be in my house all the time so I could start detaching.

Anyways, the new weekday arrangement obviously is not working for him. When he asked last night he caught me off guard. I paused and said yes, but now I am not so sure what to do. Here is my thinking:

1) If I let him come and go again to my place and hang out, it would be a good opportunity to show him changes and try to make him miss home. As i said, when I tried this earlier this year, I didn't see any tangible results. On the contrary, he ended up choosing OW. But that doesn't mean it wouldn't work this time - maybe I just needed to try it longer?
My gut tells me that this is what I should do to keep the way home paved and have the chance to show him my changes.

On the other hand, it will allow him to have everything - OW, his kids and a life of convenience (and not realistically what a D would entail), and there might be no incentive for him to change anything.

2) I want H to be part of my kids' lives as much as possible. Yet, when I talked to a priest a couple of months ago, he told me that I am not being fair to my kids by letting my H have it easy. He said both H and I are perpetuating an illusion of a family together to our kids, while we are no longer that. He said my kids need stability and having H come and go as he pleases only creates more emotional turmoil for our kids. He said that since H has made his decision, we should not give them the impression that we are together, and since they are so young, we give them that false sense of a united marriage. Coming from a priest, this gave me food for thought...

3) If I say no, he will see me as uncooperative (which would be true), he might think I am just trying to punish him and might push him further away with OW.

4) I thought about negotiating with him.
Backstory: I had asked him not to expose our kids to OW. (She has NOT introduced my H to her daughters (10 and 6) because she wants them to adapt to her separation from her H before introducing a new person.)
I asked H why he and OW are not giving our children the same consideration. I told him it felt like a double standard where they are protecting her kids yet not ours. I said at least her kids are older and they understand the diff. between a father vs. a boyfriend and our girls are too young and are just starting to learn what family is. He didn't agree and said that precisely cause they are so young, they can learn this "new" setup w/o major repercussions.
I told him he will expose them if he wants anyways (which he has done w/o telling me). And I asked that at least the kids do not spend the night with them when she is around. This has not happened yet, but she is coming down for Thanksgiving next week and he told me the kids would stay with them.
So I was thinking about negotiating - he can come to my place to visit kids Tuesdays and Thurs if he agrees not to have them spend the night when OW is in town.

My bottom line request is: Treat all children involved equally. Don't expose mine until they are ready to expose OW's. That simple. I don't think it's too much to ask or that I am being jelous or unreasonable with this request. Am I?

The problem with this is that he can simply say no, get upset and not come over to my place on Tue and Thu. So then I would not accomplish anything to either protect my kids or further improve our R.

On the other hand, maybe it would be better for OW to start interacting with my kids. To have them both face the reality of their romance with children and real life problems in the mix - diapers, tantrums, midnight feedings, etc. It might help bring H back to reality or it could help them strengthen their bond as well...

I don't know how to proceed. I ULTIMATELY WANT TO DO WHAT WILL BE BEST FOR MY KIDS AND MY R WITH H. I want to give myself a chance to make any inroads with him but I don't what strategy to use at this point.

- be loving, cooperative, accepting of what he wants and welcoming at home all the time
- establish boundaries and try to protect kids (might not succeed anyways)
- go dim and act as what we are - a separated couple and let him see the consequences of his choice so he can miss kids and me...

Please - any help will be greatly appreciated.