Alcoholic H wants D part 2.....

[25yearsmlc]

sometimes c's tell us to do what they think will make US FEEL Better, but not necessarily what will help the situation improve. I am not sure here, but I have a few thoughts since I too am a 12 stepper...and though I noticed that i'd
need a "pain pill" for my back pain, just about the time when h was coming home. While I cannot say I "blamed" him for that, I did notice it was a trigger, which is NOT a "Cause". Maybe My own insecurities played a role then...I think....or maybe I just thought he'd notice if I took them when he was around? Hard to recall now, all my rationalizations then, B/C I WAS SO GOOD AT THEM!!!
Anyhow, here are some thoughts I have...just ponder...see what feels right and get other input. I do think men in general, need these messages to be BRIEF or they tune them out.

****(Btw, some weird box with the word "Show me" has popped up when I preview this post. I don't know why. Sorry)****.

this is a letter I have written this am that I am considering either bringing to next session and reading to him, or emailing

DO NOT EMAIL IT...IF it is to be "sent" do it in person with a 3rd party around so he reacts to what you actually SAY and not what he projects into it or fears you secretly mean....


..i would rather read it to him directly.....what do you think?? waste of time? My C has told me to do this several times in response to his blaming but I never have.

H,
I am writing this letter in

response

to the many times you have made statements blaming me for your drinking. because You have said several times to me, our c and our son, and perhaps others, that my nagging and anger caused you to drink, you told our son that you drank because of me and most recently in our Co Parenting sessions you have stated that I yelled and got angry so you went in the garage and drank, when in fact


To be clear H, I want to make sure you know that I own my part in the demise of our marriage. I am serious & sincere about this.

My reactions to our problems and to your drinking, were often not healthy or helpful (until the separation I suppose, since it was after that, that you chose to get sober).

I'm sure the stress of conflict is a trigger for a lot of alcoholics to drink., Everyone finds conflict stressful. However, I've learned that no one CAUSES another person to drink and besides, we both know you were drinking well before we even met.
With all your good work in recovery, I'm sure you now have better tools for dealing with conflict, than drinking.



But just as you lacked tools for dealing with stress and conflict, I too lacked the tools for coping with the stress of conflict, and for coping w/an alcoholic h.
I certainly do not blame you from my anger, no matter how many times your drinking "triggered" it, I alone am responsible for how I handled it. Similarly,
I cannot accept responsibility for your drinking. I did not cause it. If I were to pretend that I did, that would be co-dependent and unhealthy of me, and would hinder MY recovery.


H, my biggest fear is that you blaming me for your drinking, even now, isn't just self serving "amnesia" (like ignoring that you drank before you met me And all the things you said in recovery) but a frightening pattern of you still staying stuck in the blame game of victimhood. In that worldview, you remain unable to make different choices, and change is impossible.

I don't want to slow down your recovery and pretending I'm responsible for your choices, would do that.

Though I'm not sure what step you are on, in my own program, I am working hard on boundaries, to make sure I take ownership of what I do and say, but only that.


Take responsability for your own alcoholism and stop making excuses for your drinking and the poor choices you have made. No one forces alcohol down your throat and until you accept total responsibility for choosing to drink (even if it was because you were unhappy in our marriage) you are going to struggle with your recovery.

Your anger is better directed at yourself because of your seriouse about recovery your going to need to let go of your bitterness and focus your enery on healing.


I have taken full responsability for my part in the break down of our marriage and the mistakes i made in the process but i will not, nor do i deserve to take responsibility for your part also.
If you cannot stop blaming I will not have any communication with you until it can be mor productive.


The great news is that we both love our son. Teaching him to own his own actions, (and no one else's) will be a great lesson we can pass on to him, just like letting go of the past, not holding grudges, and building a better relationship are good lessons to pass on.

I look forward to being the best co-parents we can be.


What do you think?????????