this is a letter I have written this am that I am considering either bringing to next session and reading to him, or emailing..i would rather read it to him directly.....what do you think?? waste of time? My C has told me to do this several times in response to his blaming but I never have.
H, I am writing this letter in response to the many times you have made statements blaming me for your drinking. You have said several times that my nagging and anger caused you to drink, you told our son that you drank because of me and most recently in our Co Parenting sessions you have stated that I yelled and got angry so you went in the garage and drank, when in fact you were drinking well before we even met. Take responsability for your own alcoholism and stop making excuses for your drinking and the poor choices you have made. No one forces alcohol down your throat and until you accept total responsibility for choosing to drink (even if it was because you were unhappy in our marriage) you are going to struggle with your recovery. Your anger is better directed at yourself because of your seriouse about recovery your going to need to let go of your bitterness and focus your enery on healing. I have taken full responsability for my part in the break down of our marriage and the mistakes i made in the process but i will not, nor do i deserve to take responsibility for your part also. If you cannot stop blaming I will not have any communication with you until it can be mor productive.
What do you think?????????
Me:48 H:42 M: 18 yrs. S: 9/1/09 due to alcoholic H D bomb: 9/9/11 OW confirmed 10/30/11 D papers filed 11/01/11 S15 S21(Special needs) S28
Look to yourself, It is there that all your answers are found...
Hi, itm, I don't know how popular this direct approach is with others, but if your counselor has been saying for you to do it, then go for it. It just isn't fair that in counseling that your H gets to sit there and blame you for everything under the sun, and you are not allowed to defend yourself, when the counselor's office is the place you should be allowed to do so. Otherwise your time there is being wasted. My H also stated that my anger caused him to drink. He would take a bottle of vodka into the downstairs den and drink himself into a stupor. I got sick and tired of hearing it, too. I like how you ended the letter; the last two sentences. vc
"I have taken full responsability for my part in the break down of our marriage and the mistakes i made in the process but i will not, nor do i deserve to take responsibility for your part also."
Move this sentence to the top before you tell him to take responsibility.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Itm, you do what you feel is best. If you think it is the time to let him know you accept responsibility for your actions, but not for his, while you are in the counselors office, then you should be a part of your own counseling. Or you could continue with what you're doing now. I don't think his head will explode if you are allowed in your own counseling session to speak your mind. I think that is what counseling is for.
I am still tossing it around in my mind...if I do it I will take it to next Co Parenting session and read it to him there. so i have till Mon. to decide...it will not make a bit of difference so Im leaning toward tucking it away and forgetting about it.
He came by last night after asking if he could use the GPS, he is looking for places to live in our area and was texting me "hey theres a place for rent right by you".. and "im lost up here...were are you, can I use the GPS"..i ignored all of them as I was busy and a couple of hours later text him I was home and he came by and got it...stood in my kitchen and chatted about the places he had looked at and Im thinking...I sat in a room and listened to you attack me for an hour last night and now we are just sooooo civil....I was making dinner so didnt really give him full attention and acted as if I was to busy, not rude, just busy...
I have lost so much respect for him, it is difficult to make eye contact with him. I am beginning to think that I would never be able to look at him the same. And Im still considering why I would want to be in a R with a man who can sit there and say Im happier then ive ever been, as he spends NO time with his S14 and sees him suffering before his eyes. What he has done to me is for me to except at my choice but what he is doing to his S is cruel and S14 did not ask for this...that is hard to swallow.
Me:48 H:42 M: 18 yrs. S: 9/1/09 due to alcoholic H D bomb: 9/9/11 OW confirmed 10/30/11 D papers filed 11/01/11 S15 S21(Special needs) S28
Look to yourself, It is there that all your answers are found...
sometimes c's tell us to do what they think will make US FEEL Better, but not necessarily what will help the situation improve. I am not sure here, but I have a few thoughts since I too am a 12 stepper...and though I noticed that i'd need a "pain pill" for my back pain, just about the time when h was coming home. While I cannot say I "blamed" him for that, I did notice it was a trigger, which is NOT a "Cause". Maybe My own insecurities played a role then...I think....or maybe I just thought he'd notice if I took them when he was around? Hard to recall now, all my rationalizations then, B/C I WAS SO GOOD AT THEM!!! Anyhow, here are some thoughts I have...just ponder...see what feels right and get other input. I do think men in general, need these messages to be BRIEF or they tune them out.
****(Btw, some weird box with the word "Show me" has popped up when I preview this post. I don't know why. Sorry)****.
Originally Posted By: imthemom
this is a letter I have written this am that I am considering either bringing to next session and reading to him, or emailing DO NOT EMAIL IT...IF it is to be "sent" do it in person with a 3rd party around so he reacts to what you actually SAY and not what he projects into it or fears you secretly mean....
..i would rather read it to him directly.....what do you think?? waste of time? My C has told me to do this several times in response to his blaming but I never have.
H, I am writing this letter in
Click to reveal..
response
to the many times you have made statements blaming me for your drinking.because You have said several timesto me, our c and our son, and perhaps others, that my nagging and anger caused you to drink, you told our son that you drank because of me and most recently in our Co Parenting sessions you have stated that I yelled and got angry so you went in the garage and drank, when in fact
To be clear H, I want to make sure you know that I own my part in the demise of our marriage. I am serious & sincere about this.
My reactions to our problems and to your drinking, were often not healthy or helpful (until the separation I suppose, since it was after that, that you chose to get sober).
I'm sure the stress of conflict is a trigger for a lot of alcoholics to drink., Everyone finds conflict stressful. However, I've learned that no one CAUSES another person to drink and besides, we both know you were drinking well before we even met. With all your good work in recovery, I'm sure you now have better tools for dealing with conflict, than drinking.
But just as you lacked tools for dealing with stress and conflict, I too lacked the tools for coping with the stress of conflict, and for coping w/an alcoholic h. I certainly do not blame you from my anger, no matter how many times your drinking "triggered" it, I alone am responsible for how I handled it. Similarly, I cannot accept responsibility for your drinking. I did not cause it. If I were to pretend that I did, that would be co-dependent and unhealthy of me, and would hinder MY recovery.
H, my biggest fear is that you blaming me for your drinking, even now, isn't just self serving "amnesia" (like ignoring that you drank before you met me And all the things you said in recovery) but a frightening pattern of you still staying stuck in the blame game of victimhood. In that worldview, you remain unable to make different choices, and change is impossible.
I don't want to slow down your recovery and pretending I'm responsible for your choices, would do that.
Though I'm not sure what step you are on, in my own program, I am working hard on boundaries, to make sure I take ownership of what I do and say, but only that.
Take responsability for your own alcoholism and stop making excuses for your drinking and the poor choices you have made. No one forces alcohol down your throat and until you accept total responsibility for choosing to drink (even if it was because you were unhappy in our marriage) you are going to struggle with your recovery. Your anger is better directed at yourself because of your seriouse about recovery your going to need to let go of your bitterness and focus your enery on healing.
I have taken full responsability for my part in the break down of our marriage and the mistakes i made in the process but i will not, nor do i deserve to take responsibility for your part also. If you cannot stop blaming I will not have any communication with you until it can be mor productive.
The great news is that we both love our son. Teaching him to own his own actions, (and no one else's) will be a great lesson we can pass on to him, just like letting go of the past, not holding grudges, and building a better relationship are good lessons to pass on.
I look forward to being the best co-parents we can be.
What do you think?????????
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Great post from 25.. especially the part of triggers. Spend some time there finding how this applies to your relationship.
Yes you did not put the bottle to his mouth and make him drink. But you were an enabler.. Speaking of.. are you reading CoDependent No More yet??
I'll give my input... although I'm not quite sure it will be popular. Of course remember this is just my perspective. I'm sure you will do what's best for you.
As I said briefly yesterday, I don't think you should send the letter at all. IF it is so you can set boundaries ONLY, which I'm not completely convinced that it is, You don't need to go into a long winded explanation... you just set them and stick to them.
If your husband attacks you, walk away from the conversation, stop him and tell him you won't be spoken to that way.
You do not need to yell, you do not need to attack back. Set the boundary and let it be done.
Trust me.. your actions will speak louder than any letter every written.
Realize that you cannot STOP your H for the way he feels. He's going to blame you for his drinking until there is a shift in his heart to look at himself. Until he can face his demons.
And that might take awhile, that may never happen.. we just don't know what the future holds....
...which is why you need to deal with your anger, why you need to forgive both yourself and your husband
I had a pretty big/awesome realization the past week. I posted on my thread if you wanted to take a look.
In short, my w was being exactly who I wanted her to be. She was kind, she was honest, she was taking responsibility... and I was pissed! .
Just Stunned wrote me - Don't let best get in the way of better.
I was pissed because the "getting better" didn't fit into our marriage. It didn't "fit" in my definition of her getting better. In the past 7 months, 95% of my w's actions was the same. When I experienced the 5%... instead of thanking God, I was only remember the 95%.
I now strive to live by JS' saying...
My w will not be best.. not for awhile, maybe not ever.. but I'm going to stop punishing her for her better. I will applaud her 5%. I will force myself to think of all the positives she is doing, remembering that she is growing at her own speed, and quit expecting her to grow at MY speed.
I think your H is doing good things. Is he where he needs to be.. No.. but your "stinkin thinkin" won't help him.. and it won't help you.
He was being civil the other night.. well praise God for that.
He came over and fixed your car.. well praise God for that!
See where I'm going?
My mom and friends are cautioning me right now. "Don't go thinking she's changed, don't put your heart out there.. you'll get hurt"
I said "I'm not thinking she's changed.. I'm just thanking God for his work in her".
I guess what I am saying in short... is to praise God when your husband acts in a positive way. Applaud your h for the changes he has made, stop punishing him for them and for the changes he hasn't made (cause that only hurts you).
Protect yourself, set boundaries, but do not lose sight of being loving. Loving toward you and towards him.
It's a fine balance.. but you'll find it.. if you spend the time looking.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
ITM, are you reading CoDependent No More yet?? Read it please...asap....
I'll give my input... although I'm not quite sure it will be popular. Of course remember this is just my perspective. I'm sure you will do what's best for you.
As I said briefly yesterday, I don't think you should send the letter at all. IF it is so you can set boundaries ONLY, which I'm not completely convinced that it is, You don't need to go into a long winded explanation... you just set them and stick to them. -----
...which is why you need to deal with your anger, why you need to forgive both yourself and your husband -----
In short, my w was being exactly who I wanted her to be. She was kind, she was honest, she was taking responsibility... and I was pissed!
Just Stunned wrote me - Don't let best get in the way of better.
I was pissed because the "getting better" didn't fit into our marriage. It didn't "fit" in my definition of her getting better. In the past 7 months, 95% of my w's actions was the same. When I experienced the 5%... instead of thanking God, I was only remember the 95%.
I now strive to live by JS' saying...
My w will not be best.. not for awhile, maybe not ever.. but I'm going to stop punishing her for her better. I will applaud her 5%. I will force myself to think of all the positives she is doing, remembering that she is growing at her own speed, and quit expecting her to grow at MY speed.
I think your H is doing good things. Is he where he needs to be.. No.. but your "stinkin thinkin" won't help him.. and it won't help you. He was being civil the other night.. well praise God for that.
He came over and fixed your car.. well praise God for that!
See where I'm going?
My mom and friends are cautioning me right now. "Don't go thinking she's changed, don't put your heart out there.. you'll get hurt"
I said "I'm not thinking she's changed.. I'm just thanking God for his work in her".
I guess what I am saying in short... is to praise God when your husband acts in a positive way. Applaud your h for the changes he has made, stop punishing him for them and for the changes he hasn't made (cause that only hurts you).
BEST POST I HAVE READ IN A LONG LONG TIME...WELL DONE VAL..you continue to inspire me, the "veteran" to be my best.
thank you and ITM, read this and think hard. Pray hard and we will too...
Protect yourself, set boundaries, but do not lose sight of being loving. Loving toward you and towards him.
It's a fine balance.. but you'll find it.. if you spend the time looking.
sweet stuff...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
ive read that post several times over the last 2 days and just now..this morning..got it... He IS doing and treating me better, just not how I WANT him to treat me, but it is better...I want him here with us...and I know I have to be ready for that not to happen now. odds are he wont ever be able to come back.. I am thankfull that he is sober and healthier then he was 20 months ago, and I pray for him every day. am feeling really sad and beaten this morning
Me:48 H:42 M: 18 yrs. S: 9/1/09 due to alcoholic H D bomb: 9/9/11 OW confirmed 10/30/11 D papers filed 11/01/11 S15 S21(Special needs) S28
Look to yourself, It is there that all your answers are found...
