First time here

[25yearsmlc]

H wants to take me away for a few days this weekend. Most of my friends and family say it is to soon and we should not go. I am not so sure. I feel like if something is going to happen it will weather we are home or somewhere else. I am just thinking nothing will happen and I can feel happy for 48 hours.

IF and only IF you can shelve ALL the pain and anger you feel, (AND NOT drink), and "stay in the moment", you can have 48 hours of creating memories so you can give him something to think about and something to miss if he chooses to wander for a bit, --- and something to hold onto if he's wondering about what a fresh start would look like.

Not sure what your family fears...that you two will have a blow up?

How hard is it for you not to have one?

I once reluctantly went to a conference with h and our 2 d's, 8 weeks before H was planning to move to the tundra and thereby end our m.

I balked at going and "being fakey" and making nice when I was SO hurt and mad. Felt awkward and false...and like I was rewarding h for something selfish he was going to do.


But the DB coach said to "give him something to miss" AND more importantly to give the kids a good memory. Since I really thought it would be our last vacation together - I determined that I'd be "Mother Teresa Kind", i'd bring NOTHING of the past up unless it was a good memory, and I'd be a SAINT!!!

I'd lose ALL the anger for the 4 days, "STOP SIGN" in my head when negative thoughts entered, and believe it or not, knowing I could "always be mad LATER"

actually helped me get through the 4 days without a single incident or harsh word. I began to see h thru different eyes, like being grateful for what he taught our d's instead of thinking he was being nerdy and monopolizing the conversation....see my point? Same behavior but I was seeing it differently...and then it changed too.

And you know what? We had a great time. The girls have great memories of Palm Springs and after only a day or so of seeing my h in the best possible light, HE began to act differently...and so did I. We relaxed, for one thing. No pressure. NO "make it or break it" for the 4 days. Just enjoying each other's company. That's all. Being flexible and staying in the moment ("Be here now")--no futurizing...no dragging up the past....

can YOU do that?

I figured I could just put aside ALL the crap, for a few days!


And what I got was a glimpse of what forgiveness could look like, and so did he.

What starting fresh might mean...and I definitely gave him something to miss.

So if and only if, you can pull that off, I say go for it.

But if it is too soon FOR YOU, then put it off for another set time so he doesn't think you are rejecting the idea. Give him a "better date" and don't say it's b/c you are not yet comfortable with him.

IF YOU are not ready to lose the anger for a few days, tell him you are sure working on it and that you are getting there. He's trying to confirm that he's not nuts to have hope. He wants the magic back...

He's putting in effort, right? So why make him climb Mt Everest?

I might be misinterpreting your family's concerns...are they wanting you to punish him MORE? (not helpful at all, and don't share all the negative things he says to you, with them)

OR

do they fear you two will go at it and fight without end, etc?

What do YOU think?