H did say that this was going on in his head for a year before BD. But he just didn't have the heart to tell me what he was feeling. He was terrified of hurting me, and then when he met OW, he said things began to cycle very fast. The fire that was lit under his behind to tell me and plan on leaving. I can believe this, because as I recall our last year together, although peaceful, he was checked out most of the time. I'm amazed that he carried this for so long and I had no clue.
He also told me yesterday that he had looked up things on MLC, noted that he felt some of the characteristics pertained to his feelings, but he described as this awakening, or a transition where he was re-evaluating his life. He felt depressed for a long time before everything exploded.
He has described the feelings he was having last summer as an erupting volcano that he couldn't stop. It was pouring out of him uncontrollably to the point of shaking all over sometimes.
He told me he felt the only way he could be happy again was to wipe everything away and start over, even if that meant leaving me and D. He felt that he gave up things that made him happy in his life, like his music because he got married and had a kid, and had a difficult time integrating this with a new life. He spent a great deal of time recording music and creating before marrying me. And although I tried very hard to get him back to that he said he just didn't have time and didn't know how to integrate it as a married man.
As he explained it to me, he didn't feel connected to me and hadn't for a long time because we weren't intimate enough, and he had let things he enjoyed doing fall by the wayside. He feels he has reconciled some things in his heart... and said that if he had left me, it would have been a big mistake.
I don't understand the fast turn around.. and I guess I'm looking too much into this because I don't trust this. I don't want to get myself too comfortable knowing he could bounce back.
He also told me that he felt like a rubber band that had totally stretched out and was snapped back and that he went the radical way of feeling he had to rid himself of everything he thought was making him unhappy and holding him back.
It sounds like MLC, but I don't know. I think I need to just join him in the present and stop over analyzing... because really, it's not going to change anything regardless of what happened then or in the future.
He said he feels very happy again, and is happy he didn't leave me and d. He still fights some depression, and feels sadness over what he put me through.
One day at a time I guess is all we can do. I don't want this to happen again, but I can't control it even if it did.
