how to save my marriage while my husband moved!

[GABI17]

My husband and I has been separeted for about 5 monthes ago. basically i caught Him talking to a girl from facebook and He denied at first, but after a while of confronting him he admitted it.They have not meet personally yet,but they have been talking our marital problems ect.My H told me that they are just friends and "she" has trying to" convince" HIM to fix our marriage issues.My H admitted told me that he likes the girl and if" we" will be succesfully get divorce or if I HAV'NOT caught Him,He will date that girl..SO it seems he ha having emotionallY affair..but He said THEY decided to stop talking to each other now.,becuase what they have done really hurt me ( but i dont believe them)And probably he had plan the divorce me long time ago. but He said to me it was'nt an affair on Hes own discription, He said that he knew it was wrong but he just wants to find Hes feelings for me,of coarse what He had expect that wilL come out from it,..He told me that He got the answer and that He can be more happy with the other woman.. it hurts lot to hear from someone you loved for about 6 year and we have a wonderful daughter at 3..i feel betrayed,neglected and have difficulties to move on..and basically my anger will come once in awhile.. i have been praying a lot and spend time with my friends. the worst thing is,before he moved out He already chatted many girls from different countries eventhough i am at home and i can see evrything what he is doing,, he dont care at all,and after a month of chatting he travelled to africa and meet the a girl there.." now He called now it GIRLFRIEND.. the things that makes me upset is He show a picture to our daugther,and let her talk to the new gf. I dont understand what he is doing ,is this normal to person who wants to get out from their marriage? It sound stupid . We are not legally separated yet but for Him everything is over..i am so close of giving up hope that will be reconciled..i havn't started a conversation Him for a long time.. we only have conversation about our child,and recently we were kind of upset with each other because he wants to change the custody we have made before, and i think its wrong, included that our child is not going to church when She is with my H.i tried to ignore Him just to protect my self and not having a false hope.. it seems like He is really move on,and i am pretending that I am OK about Hes decission about divorce though its killing me..I have make some changes at home since He moved out and it makes Him shock and attending parties once in a while.He has been telling me to date someone know so i will be emotionally ok.and itS hurtING me! why he is doing it?and he is very angry to me and to my family! and i dont understand why?,he said its because they are started wars against Him not they are not,,They are trying to help us to figure everything out..by the way my H deleted all our common friends in facebook, and I am bloked,, we have been to counseling but its not helping because he said He alreaday made up Hes mind..and the counsilor told me,that my H its not listiging to anybody now,He just want to listen TO HIMSELF. maybe my letter is a bit confusing,, but you are all very welcome to ask question,.i really need your help how save my marriage.Like what should i do to calm Him anger down,How to show Him that i do still love him without showing Him any desperation.,aS I can see from him that He wants me to say YES to everything He wants, sometimes its not even legally right? I don't know what to do anymore an I am very tired with all the anger stuff that has bee thrown on my face.. He has been telling me a lot of very mean or not nice words ,but i tried not to response back.. sometimeS it is just too much,but and i think my husband is good person but he is just lost somewhere else through life experienced along the way,,He is the one who initiated the separation papers by the way,

[dbmod]

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[Coyote]

GABI17

I'm very sorry you find yourself in this situation. It's not nice place to be. I've been there. Other veterans here have been there too. However, you can rise from this. A better marriage with H could even rise from the ashes of this. Often does but there's no quick fix or guarantee for this. It's a process.

In short, your H is trying to 'find himself.' Probably even said so himself. If not yet, he will. He's on a journey and he's going there himself. You're not going to be able to reason with H or try to get him to see the error of his ways. Don't even try to expend energy in this direction. Listen to your H. Acknowledge his feelings. However, don't reason with him, argue with him on this, or pursue him. Will most likely chase him away further. (On the big scale, your situation is actually not unlike others here.)

For now, you need to focus on what you can control...you. You already have a lot in dealing with the anxiety and stress of this. You have to do good, healthy things for you. I've passed this on to others in your shoes (and not just here...) Tailor it to your needs,

1. Try writing your 'stuff' on paper. It can help to get things off the mind and work it out on paper. Don't leave this for others to see it though. This is for youself. If needed, burn said paper after.

2. Get active. Exercise regularily. Helps stave off the bluesey stuff.

3. Get out and see good friends and family. Don't sit around. Take out your daughter, make it a fun outing!

4. Take some quiet time for yourself. Be creative here.

5. Do things, again, be creative. You need to get your mind off of the junk that's going on.

6. Tell your daughter you love her and that what's going on is not her fault.

Have you read Michelle Wiener-Davis's book,'Divorce Busting?' If not, you need to do so as soon as you can. I've read so much material on this in the last six years. Some of it good. Some of it questionable. Many in between, but Michelle's advice is a very good place to start. Without it your chances of working through this fall off considerably. Read it through, then read it again even.

Her 'Divorce Remedy' is another good source. It's a continuation of the first. If later you feel a need to explore other material, it's well recommended and you're in a better place to discern, certainly. Start with this though,

Coyote

[Coyote]

Oh heck, I forgot. A good, experienced counselor is essential here too. 'Word of mouth' is a good way to find one.

Often, friends or family may not know how to deal with this and just tell you to 'get over it' or 'move on.' It can be frustrating (been there...) but you can't blame them, they're just doing the best that they can.

[GABI17]

Hi Cayote,
thank you for response!,,Its really great to be here in DB,i have read other people stories and it gives me a little hope. i will try to use the strategies you have written,although i have done some of them..i have been doing ok for the last few weeks,and our D has been great in kindergarten.its just i have difficulties to deal with H,because He is angry most of the time,so i have to stop the conversation and ignore when He is angry.. i don't understand why He is so angry like everything? and basically He wants me to say Yes to everything he wants? AND i think it is wrong!like today we are going to the state to make the separation legal,H Has told me that i should not ask for( WIFE SUPPORT)and H don't want our properties( savings to be divided equally)..and recently H wants to change the agreement we have made for our D,before D is allowed to go church with me eventhough,Its H weekend with D.. and now H told me that our D its not going to church with me anymore if D is with H.it makes me crazy because we used to go church as a family before it has happens..Church is really a part of my culture by the way,hopefully the state will listen to it. (H knows where to push my buttons i guess!.. i have to have a lawyer basically. this is for my D and for my sake in the future, like financially.. it will make Him really upset about it.and my fear that it will drive H away.. and it will make reconcilation further away.It seems like it works just to ignore H when he is angry..recently I tried not to show interest With Him and I did not ask How Hes doing,,.. basically it helps me a little emotionally.. I Have tried to focus my energy for my D AND Work., Family and friends has been with me,and Ya! your right some of them wants me to go to date!... its kind of annoying;( I guess they don't really understand what i have been through..

[Coyote]

No problem GABI17,

actually about to go take some 'me' time but I have no problem settin' that aside for a bit.

"i will try to use the strategies you have written,"

These are not my strategies, a collection is a better way to put it. I was just one of the shmucks who had to practice this stuff. This type of situation you are in is screwed up. How else can I say this?

As I said before, read the books. They will help give you a much better grounding than we can give in 10,000 words or less.

Yes, your H is angry. Up and down even. What do you do? Blame yourself or perhaps, understand he has stuff to work out and that you may not be not responsible for most of his anger? Some issues he hs to work out even? Go figure.

You're responsible for yourself and for your half in this. Nothing more. You probably made mistakes. We all did. I did. Listen to him. He may have some good things to say but if it gets unreasonable and unfair, tell him that's not on and move on.

If you are being blamed for it 'all' then take solace in that you've got your side covered. He will have to shoulder his half. If he can't, you are not responsible for his half of the picture. Nuff' said for that. Doesn't mean you don't love him still just means you don't love what's going on.

If anyone else has anything to add to this, feel free!

[Coyote]

Sorry, looked at your sitch again and noticed something,

Wait a minute,

"I guess they don't really understand what i have been through..."

I had a big time with this! Family and friends who didn't understand that this wasn't just another 'cool' relationship. That's fine. Doesn't mean they don't care, just that they haven't experienced this type of loss. Don't blame them. Redirect yourself to others who know what's up with this.

Off I go now, Me time!