Hi all new to the site. Well here's my story. My W and I are in our early 40's with two son's ages 21 and 14. We have been married for 19 years together for 25. We have had had our share of ups and downs over the years. We having been becoming more and more distant over the last year with sex happening less and less. Recently (beginning of Oct) I reached out to my W and told her that I was tired of us growing apart and that I didn't want to become one of those couples who just co-exist. I honestly feel like we are just roommates to which she replied that all I wanted was sex.
I wrote her a letter explaining to her what sex with her meant to me and that didn't seem to phase her at all. She just told me this past Sat that we both do our own thing and that we have nothing in common. She has said that if she had the money she would move out and that she feels like we never would have gotten married in the first place if it wasn't for our first child. I've also been told that she feels like she has stayed with me only to please her father, who is a strict Irish-Catholic who doesn't believe in divorce. She says he has pounded that into her head. She also feels that we are both to scared to move on. She has also said she doesn't know if she loves me.
I realize that I haven't been the best H to her over the years. I was not one to tell her how beautiful she is or to just sit and talk to or listen to her, I had been selfish. I do know that my care free attitude towards our finances are a big burden on her along with the fact that our house needs fixing up. At this point we are still in the same house in the same bed. I do not get angry or yell back at her when she gets angry and yells at me. I haven't told her that I love her but I did recently tell her that I wouldn't give up because I thought she was worth it (I don't know if that was a mistake or not). She still kisses me goodbye in the morning before I leave for work so I don't know what to make of that.
I do have Michele's book The Divorce Remedy and have read it but at this point being I'm unsure where I stand with my W I'm kinda unsure what steps to take here to try and salvage this mess and I do realize that there is no guarantee that things will work out but I at least want to give it my best shot. Any and all help is appreciated. TIA
M 44 W 43 S 23 S 15 INILWY 9/11 Divorce Mediation started 3/13 June 30 the day W is moving out
Welcome Gal- You are in a similar situation to myself and many people on this site. I'm still a rookie as far as DB'ing and this forum is concerned but one thing that I have read over and over on here that I think relates to you is "don't believe anything they say and half of what they do". She sounds like she is speaking from fear and anger so try not to take it too personally as it is most likely not coming from her true authentic self/feelings.
Good Luck and i will be checking in and if I have anything to share that I think might help will do so.
Thx sayitaintso. I do believe that you are correct in what you have said. I do know that my W has told that every time she "lets me in" she ends up getting hurt. So it is very clear to me that I need to make changes for myself first so that way I don't go back to being lazy and negative etc. So far following the DR steps seems to be working at least I am feeling much better about my sitch. If you have anything to add please feel free. Thx again
M 44 W 43 S 23 S 15 INILWY 9/11 Divorce Mediation started 3/13 June 30 the day W is moving out
Well sandi her complaints about me are that I have a "you only live once" attitude towards our finances meaning I would spend our money on things we didn't need instead of paying the bills but that stopped a while ago and I have recently taken charge of paying the bills. Another big complaint of hers is that when we do argue I always have to be right. It has been some time since we've had an argument since I've made the decision not to go back at my W when she is upset with something.
Other complaints if you can call them that are that we have nothing in common, we never liked eachother and we don't like eachother, we aren't the affectionate type. That's about all I can recall right now. Presently I would say our sitch is in limbo. I'm not telling her I love her. I'm acting as if nothing is wrong and I'm not talking about our M at all. Even though we are still under the same roof I am following the advice in the DR. Thx for the replies and please keep them coming.
M 44 W 43 S 23 S 15 INILWY 9/11 Divorce Mediation started 3/13 June 30 the day W is moving out
