My inlaws were here this weekend. My MIL called to see about picking up the girls on Sunday and bringing them back Monday morning. I was gone for work so the girls were staying with my mom. My sister was in town with her kids so they were staying at my mom's house as well. My MIL wanted to pick the girls up and take them to her brother's house (about 30min away).
I told her that wouldn't work because D1 had school the next morning. She then suggested that they get a hotel room in town. I told her that the girls have been bounced between home, W's new apartment and my mom's house. I told her that the girls need stability in their lives right now and I want them to sleep at home. She and my FIL are more than welcome to stay over as well. There was an awkward pause but then she agreed it was probably for the best.
Sunday afternoon they arrived at my mom's to pick up the girls. My sister called me after they left to tell me how things went. When they got there they stayed by the door with their coats on insisting they were fine and didn't need anything. My mom was afraid they were going to leave without anything other than banal pleasantries being said. Thank God for my sister.
She cornered my MIL and carefully broached the topic. She asked gentle probing questions and soon she and my MIL were talking about our situation. Eventually my mom joined them. The inlaws ended up staying for almost three and a half hours! My FIL didn't say much but my sister said she could see how upset he was about the whole thing. When they were leaving my BIL pulled my FIL aside and told him that he thinks there is another man. BIL told him he has seen this numerous times in teh business world. If only they knew...
So my sister called me after they left. She wanted to make sure that I didn't tear into my inlaws (see earlier post). My inlaws are not supportive of her decision. My MIL told my mom over and over again that this is not my fault. She told my mom that she raised a wonderful son and she saw me as an amazing father and wonderful husband. That made my mom feel better. Made me feel good too.
I saw them in the morning when I got home from work. FIL took D1 to school and MIL and I talked. She told me most of the stuff that my sister told me. She told me not to blame myself and that I should keep on being the best dad possible for the girls. I was careful with what I said but I had to stop myself a few times from saying too much.
MIL told me how broken up FIL is about all of this. I guess he has tried to talk to her several times but she won't listen to him. This made me think; she has accused me of going behind her back and calling her family. This must have been after he had called her.
While we were talking D2(not my biological D) climbed up onto my lap. She asked me "Daddy, how come mommy doesn't want to live at my house?" My father in law sat stone faced and my MIL began to cry. Oh, I forgot to mention that they had seen one of the cards D1 made for her mom. It read "Dear Mommy, I love you. Please come home. Love A". My wife has accused me of putting things into the girls heads and trying to go behind her back to her family. Clearly that isn't the case. The girls know something isn't right and are confused. My inlaws are confused as well. Hell, so am I!
My FIL told me that he had not told his parents yet nor her aunt. I found this interesting. Her cousin is her best friend; closest friend growing up, maid of honor, shoulder to cry on after first marriage ended. If the cousin knew about what is going on she would have said something to her mom. If she had said something to her mom then the mom would have immediately gotten on the phone with FIL. None of this happened. Based on that and the content of the letter I recieved from my inlaws prior, she appears to have completely cut herself off from her own family.
Wife is out of town again at an industry conference. She will be gone eight days in total. There is a group of them that went together. He is with them. She told me that she is sharing a room with him and a gay coworker. My MIL asked me about her travel and lodging accomodations. My MIL said that W told her father that she and OM were no longer intimate. She asked me if I believed that to be true. I told MIL that she lied to me for years when I asked her if there was anyting going on. So if she was lying to me then how could I be sure she wasn't lying to me now? I know I shouldn't have said that but the conversation was starting to get awfully close to the whole unvarnished truth.
Before she left for the conference she brought the girls and the van back home. Then we drove her back to her apartment She said that she had to leave for the airport in a few hours. I told her that the girls and I would take her. She said it wasn't necesarry that she had arranged for a car. I told her since money is tight cancel the car and we will drive you. The girls started chiming in that they wanted to go with to the airport. W gave me a dirty look and started in on me for trying to use the girls to get to her!!??
Things had actually gotten tense in the car shortly before. I did some research on the net regarding the event. I was trying to show more interest in what she does and I'd be able to ask more thoughtful questions. As we were talking the topic of who was going came up. She told me a bunch of us are going. I asked if he was going. I asked if they were sharing a room. She got very prickly and told me that they were sharing a room and someone else was sharing it with them as well. She then went on saying that we are seperated and I have to move on and let this go; who she is with is none of my buiness, etc, etc. I quietly let her know that people had asked me about her travel and lodging accomodations. She fired back saying "Who? Your mom?" I told her no. That the inquiry hadn't come from my family. For a second she looked scared.
When we got to the apartment. She told me that this is why she doesn't like seeing me. That it ends up ruining her whole day. Then she again told me that I have to get on with my life, she isn't going to change her mind, that I am wasting my time hoping she will come home. I looked at her and told her matter of factly that I haven't given up on her or our M. And that any time I spent trying to keep the family together was not wasted time. She didn't say much to that. She just stared at the floor and then out the window.
I went inside with her to get the file folder with birth certificates, SocSec cards etc. She told me that she didn't know where they were. She also said I needed to stop harassing her??!!I said to her that she is the most organized person I know. That she always knows where everything is and that is one of her qualities that I found so attractive. She didn't really say anything to that. Just looked at me. She found it in a few seconds.
As I was leaving it seemed like she was trying to goad me back into an arguement. She said that most of the stuff in the folder was her's anyway why did I want it, etc. I just smiled at her and told her I would make copies for her. All in all it was a very zen period for me. I never lost my cool or raised my voice. Later, she called before they were about to board the plane and a few hours later she called when they reached Miami. She texted me later to let me know that they reached the final destination.
She has texted twice and called once since she has been gone. The texts have been about the girls but the phone conversation covered a little bit of what was going on at the conference.
I am a little unsure how to proceed when she gets home. The auto insurance for the van expires on the 20th. I told her that from now on the business is going to be paying for the van and the insurance. She said that is something that we will ahve to talk about. I want to send her a reminder about it along with the contact info for Allstate. My coach thinks that this is a good example of setting boundaries. I/We paid for the van and were able to write it off while my daughter was alive as a necessary medical expense. But the business got to use it as well. Now, the business can write it off and we can use it. She doesn't want to pay for the van or the insurane. Earlier she tried to guilt me saying that they are coming into the slowest time of year and money will be very tight. Before I had told her that is not my problem to deal with. That I am done paying. I know when I said it came off as lashing out because I was angry and hurt. Any advice on how to enforce this boundary without seeming angry/petty?
Also, as I mentioned in the last thread; giving/receiving gifts is her main love language. I am going to be in our old neighborhood next week and thought about stopping by her favourite bakery and picking up a few of her favorite cupcakes. The plant didn't seem to trigger anything although I noticed when I was over there the other morning she hasn't gotten rid of it. I am taking that as a good sign.
I have been very disconnected the past few days. One night I cried and cried. But for the last two days I haven't really thought about her that much. Is that a good sign or a bad sign? I'm not sure.
