Peicing and hoping I'm doing the right thing.

[MrBond]

Ease up a bit. Healing takes time and he has been remorseful and apologetic. Now it's up to you to heal and try not to dwell on the mistakes.

If you want your M to work out, you've got to learn to let go at some point.

[FreeBird0120]

Yes MrBond you're right. I do need to ease up and let go, but maybe now that I know the (hopefully) complete truth, I can move forward, provided there are no more surprises.

And hopefully he isn't too discouraged now to not want to fix us. That I guess is my biggest fear. Throughout this whole 5 months, its been a heart wrenching roller coaster of forward and backwards. Each time we get closer to where we need to be, she pops up somewhere there to derail us.

I asked him in our last convo if he truly still loves me, and he said of course he does. But he says now he feels deflated and that his feelings and efforts don't matter. I told him that of course they mattered or I wouldn't still be here.

I guess we'll see what happens tonight...

Need all of my DB families prayers...

Thanks everyone for your input...I love you all!!

[~ kd ~]

What Bond said...

and IMHO, first and foremost... this is a SOLUTIONS BASED process regarding the NOW and the FUTURE...

You (and he if appropriate) can attend therapy and counseling to specifically deal with the past... but for now... between YOU and HIM... it starts here and now for the future... start building your trust from now...

[ncl]

FB,
I'm so sorry you found those conversations. I remember when I read some emails between my husband and ow and how it just broke my heart to pieces. He said things to her that were special sayings we used for each other. I know the sick to your stomach feeling, and it's going to take a little time to get over that.

However...this is about DB'ing and saving your marriage, so you must do everything you can to focus on the present. Leave the past where it belongs. Don't worry about the future. Take each day one at a time, and pat yourself on the back when you accomplish your goals. As suggested in DR, don't make your goals too lofty or long-range; instead, narrow them down to things that are achievable within a week or 2. Then, when you've accomplished that goal, expand on it a little more. This isn't a sprint but rather a marathon, and you are going to have to pace yourself.

I can see where your husband may feel under the microscope and like his efforts aren't worth it if you do throw the emails in his face. The best thing you can do for you and your marriage is let those go. Tell yourself your husband wasn't the man you fell in love with when he wrote those. When a spouse is in walk-away mode, it's truly like another person has inhabited their body.

I don't know if I'll be edited for this book suggestion...I apologize if I'm breaking a board rule, but the book "Choosing Forgiveness" by Nancy DeMoss has been a great tool for me in letting go of the past and achieving true forgiveness. I'm obviously still fighting with that, but its a great book to help you in learning to truly forgive.

Also, Mr. Bond and KD are giving you excellent advice. I think it's valuable to hear things from a male perspective!

Praying for you, your family and marriage. Know that you can do this!
Love & hugs, lc4

[ncl]

PS... I think the things you said to your husband today are excellent! However, they will be worthless words if you don't follow through. Put those words in action and show him how strong you are and how you truly are willing to fight to save the marriage!

[FreeBird0120]

Thank you all so much!! You've all been such a huge support system for me thru out all of this. You all are such amazing people!!

Kaffe and MrBond you are both absolutely right!! I need to let go of the past and focus on the HERE, NOW AND FUTURE.

[FreeBird0120]

lc4 thank you as well. My focus will definitely be letting go of the past and their relationship. I do need to learn to trust him again, and that will take time, but you're also right in that I must take each day as it comes and focus on all of the positives.

We spoke last night, and we have decided to still work on our M. I could tell that he must not feel very good about himself right now. I could see the shame in his face. He listened to me as I told him that even though what I read hurt me, that I love him and know that those convo's took place at a time that he wasn't fully invested in our M. I told him I've forgiven him for those mistakes and am fully prepared to move forward now that I know everything and have my closure as far as their relationship is concerned.

He still is confused as to what it mattered since the last 2 weeks he's not talked to her and has put all of his effort into our M. He asked me last night, "Lets say 3 years from now we were happier then we've ever been and lets say you never read those convo's. What did reading them really accomplish??" I told him that I needed to know everything that transpired between them so that I could really let go and move forward. I said that as many times as he told me they were just friends and that they just talked innocently a lot, that deep down I knew it was more than that. I said that had I found out 3 years from now about the convo's it would have been worse for me, because I would have asked myself what else he was lying to me about. I told him I was glad that I found out now, so that I could move forward from here.

He hasn't been as affectionate with me since yesterday, but I chalk that up to him feeling guilty, and attacked and not sure of how he should act around me now, but hopefully that subsides and we can start piecing again very soon.

My GALing and 180's:

-To not shove OW and their past in H face.
-To be supportive and loving towards H.
-To thank H often for his efforts.
-To continue on my path of self improvement physically, mentally and spiritually.
-To be the person I know I can be and that my H will love coming home to.

Thanks again everyone!!

Love and Hugs to all!!

[FreeBird0120]

Hey everyone!!

Update:

So as I said before, the night we talked we ended it on pretty good terms, and even though he was a little distant I realized that that was to be expected.

Yesterday was a lot better. He called me quite a bit from work, so that felt really good. We met and had a drink together before we headed home for the evening and just talked. It was really nice. When we got home, I made dinner and H and D ate (I wasn't very hungry, but sat with them anyways) and then we hung out for a little before heading to bed. He had fallen asleep before I ended up getting in bed after shutting down the house, so I just went to sleep (no cuddling) ...

For some reason we both woke up this morning at 1am, and cuddled for a little bit before ML...it was nice. We cuddled and held each other afterwards, and fell back to sleep. He ended up getting up to get ready for work around 4:45, and came in to kiss me goodbye before he was leaving and asked if I wanted to have a quick cup of coffee before he left. I did, and we had pleasant small talk and he kissed me and said he loved me (after I said it first of course) before he left.

He's called me a 1/2 a dozen times today, some for no reason, and that has been nice as well...but here is where I'm afraid I'm going to need my fellow DBer's to 2x4 me...

For some reason I can't get this sinking feeling that H is still talking to OW on his work phone, and possibly meeting up with her in the mornings and possibly prior to coming home. I don't know why I feel this, but it's just this gut feeling I have. Every time I've had these gut feelings, I was right. When we talked Tuesday evening, I had told him that if we were going to work on this, that he needed to make sure there was no contact with OW..not even "Hi" or "Have a good weekend" in passing. I know I shouldn't have done that, but given the recent information I found out about their relationship prior to D and I moving back home, I felt like he needed to understand the boundaries that had to be put in place for me to start trusting him again. His reply to this was "I don't want to be a jerk. I don't see why saying Hi or Have a good weekend is such a big deal." I have NOT said anything about OW since our talk Tuesday evening, and I don't plan to either, but I just can't get rid of this sinking feeling that they aren't done. I'm so afraid that he has developed very strong feelings for OW, and can't let either of us go.

I'm also afraid that he may have said he wanted his family back, because he didn't want to be away from our D. When he "ended" it with OW this last time so that D and I would come home, he had told her that he couldn't stand not seeing D every day like he has her whole life. (Don't get me wrong, I'm so thankful that he loves our D so much that he'd do this to keep her a constant in his life, but I so hoped that it was both of us that he couldn't live without.) Also H has an excellent chance of starting his own dream business through me and my boss. I pray to God that this isn't just a temporary thing so he can get this business off the ground and then end us again.

I am trying so hard to not bring OW up, and to be happy and upbeat when we are around each other or talk to each other. I am trying so hard to "KEEP THE ROAD HOME PAVED AND SMOOTH",

[FreeBird0120]

Hey everyone!!

Update:

So as I said before, the night we talked we ended it on pretty good terms, and even though he was a little distant I realized that that was to be expected.

Yesterday was a lot better. He called me quite a bit from work, so that felt really good. We met and had a drink together before we headed home for the evening and just talked. It was really nice. When we got home, I made dinner and H and D ate (I wasn't very hungry, but sat with them anyways) and then we hung out for a little before heading to bed. He had fallen asleep before I ended up getting in bed after shutting down the house, so I just went to sleep (no cuddling) ...

For some reason we both woke up this morning at 1am, and cuddled for a little bit before ML...it was nice. We cuddled and held each other afterwards, and fell back to sleep. He ended up getting up to get ready for work around 4:45, and came in to kiss me goodbye before he was leaving and asked if I wanted to have a quick cup of coffee before he left. I did, and we had pleasant small talk and he kissed me and said he loved me (after I said it first of course) before he left.

He's called me a 1/2 a dozen times today, some for no reason, and that has been nice as well...but here is where I'm afraid I'm going to need my fellow DBer's to 2x4 me...

For some reason I can't get this sinking feeling that H is still talking to OW on his work phone, and possibly meeting up with her in the mornings and possibly prior to coming home. I don't know why I feel this, but it's just this gut feeling I have. Every time I've had these gut feelings, I was right. When we talked Tuesday evening, I had told him that if we were going to work on this, that he needed to make sure there was no contact with OW..not even "Hi" or "Have a good weekend" in passing. I know I shouldn't have done that, but given the recent information I found out about their relationship prior to D and I moving back home, I felt like he needed to understand the boundaries that had to be put in place for me to start trusting him again. His reply to this was "I don't want to be a jerk. I don't see why saying Hi or Have a good weekend is such a big deal." I have NOT said anything about OW since our talk Tuesday evening, and I don't plan to either, but I just can't get rid of this sinking feeling that they aren't done. I'm so afraid that he has developed very strong feelings for OW, and can't let either of us go.

I'm also afraid that he may have said he wanted his family back, because he didn't want to be away from our D. When he "ended" it with OW this last time so that D and I would come home, he had told her that he couldn't stand not seeing D every day like he has her whole life. (Don't get me wrong, I'm so thankful that he loves our D so much that he'd do this to keep her a constant in his life, but I so hoped that it was both of us that he couldn't live without.) Also H has an excellent chance of starting his own dream business through me and my boss. I pray to God that this isn't just a temporary thing so he can get this business off the ground and then end us again.

I am trying so hard to not bring OW up, and to be happy and upbeat when we are around each other or talk to each other. I am trying so hard to "KEEP THE ROAD HOME PAVED AND SMOOTH", but just can't shake these feelings.

Ok done with my rant...ready for all of your constructive 2 x 4's!!

[FreeBird0120]

Sorry I don't know why ^^ posted twice...