Peicing and hoping I'm doing the right thing.

[oldtimer]

FB,

Congratulations! I'm so happy things are moving in a positive direction.

Now, be prepared. He will not likely have had his last contact with OW, despite his intentions or sincere commitment to you. I have NEVER seen a clean "final" break with an OW, and I've been coming here since 2002. She will reach out to him wanting closure, or he will find something he meant to give her or remember something he meant to tell her. Blah blah blah. I hope you are the exception, but if not, do not let the death gasps of their R derail you.

This does NOT mean you should be blind to it or accept it. Be clear that it is not OK, be firm with your boundaries, explicit about consequences. Get the zero-contact letter that you get to read and mail, or be on the phone to listen in on the final very specific zero-contact instructions to OW. Require transparency -- free access to phone, email, etc...

And above all, be compassionate. Realize that it will seem cruel to him to ignore her plea for closure. It will hurt not to forward a news story that will interest her. It is not OK, but we aren't perfect. Tell him you know he's a good man. You understand that people do things out of pain that might undermine them. But you also know he is a strong man who is growing. He will do better.

Give him space and time to become the good man that you want. He did not get to a place in his head overnight where the R with OW was OK. It will take him awhile to get far away enough from that place that it seems crazy to him that he was ever there. But he can and likely will, IF you give him the time and space to do it, while respecting yourself.

[oldtimer]

BTW, a big thing you can do to help him feel he has the space he needs is to reassure him that you understand you are BOTH hoping for a great R and passionate M. It is a time to try to build that R. You are both sincere, good people trying for that. But if it doesn't work out, that doesn't make him a bad guy.

If he feels like he'd be a bad guy if the reconciliation doesn't work out, then the pressure and guilt feelings will make him feel coerced and it will be confusing to him what he really wants for himself. He needs to be genuinely free to discover if your new R, your new M is right for him. And so do you.

[FreeBird0120]

Thanks Oldtimer...you've given me some really great solid advice, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for that. I will make sure I keep compassion in my heart for him while still maintaining my boundaries and expectations.

I will keep God in my heart knowing that it's his will and keep praying and thanking him for all of his blessings.

Have a wonderful day Oldtimer and thanks again for your support!!

[MynameisMZ]

Yes, very important to stay focused right now and not get derailed by any shenanigans. Make your best outline of a plan and stick to it. This work has so many levels to it.

[FreeBird0120]

I know this is going to be hard, and I know I'm going to have those moments/days where I'm second guessing his promises to me, and whether or not he's talking to her secretly or not...but I know I can't let that derail me.

It's so difficult to feel like you're walking on eggshells with your H. I'm afraid if I say or ask anything about her, that he will feel pressured. I did ask him this morning if we were okay and still on the same page. It scared him when I said this because it was what I'd said to him right before our D11 and I left. He reassured me that they hadn't contacted each other via phone, text or email, and that the last time he talked to her was this past Friday as they were walking by each other at the office and she said, "Have a good weekend!!" and he said, "you too" and kept walking.

He calls me quite a bit throughout the day which he hadn't while he was talking to her. He's been more affectionate with me. He's been spending a lot of family time with the kids and I. It feels great, but he also had changed the password to our phone bill when I had left, and hasn't changed it back yet. I'm not sure how to ask him to do this, as it may make him feel like I don't trust him and may discourage him.

I had asked him Saturday when a good time to put my rings back on would be, and he said, "Baby steps love...baby steps." We aren't married, it's my engagement ring, but we've lived together 14 years, so we call each other H and W.

What do you guys think??

[~ kd ~]

You shouldn't have to worry about trust and shouldn't have to walk on egg shells...

If you don't want to ask immediately about the phone password, than maybe the two of you should have a direct convo around trust...

ie: I want to trust, but I don't want to blindly trust.

Indicate that transparency is key.

Some would call it open and honest, but really it's about transparency. If he tells you every time he has a convo with her, then he's not hiding. You could promise the same.

[ncl]

IMHO, I think you need to take things one day at a time and don't push for passwords and other information right now. Quit asking him about ow, and do your best to get her out of your mind (STOP thinking...picture the big red stop sign).

It's going to take time to rebuild trust in your marriage. I think the best thing for you to do right now is focus on the positives, celebrate the baby steps and enjoy the time your husband is spending with you and your daughter. This is what I'm trying to do, and it has worked WONDERFULLY until I slipped recently and had a little fit about former ow. All that did was set us back. We are back on track now, but it was nothing but a waste of time and effort.

Your husband probably feels like he's walking on eggshells with you and that he is going to be interrogated about ow every day. Show him that you are giving him a real chance to prove that he is committed to you! In your last post, you stated the good things he is doing - calling you during the day, being more affectionate and spending time with you. Thank him for those things!

As for your rings, they are YOURS, and you can put them on anytime you want. He can put his on anytime he wants. A ring is a symbol of your bond and love, but that's all it is...a symbol to the outside world. The two of you should know that with or without rings, you are committed to each other. Rings do not make a marriage.

Until you are ready to forgive your husband 100% for his past mistakes and quit hanging it over his head, you are never going to be able to move forward. Trust me, this is something I have to remind myself of everyday!

You can do this! Picking up the pieces is TOUGH STUFF, but you can restore your marriage!

Take care, lc4

[FreeBird0120]

Thank you Kaffe and lc4:

Well here's an update for you...

I went on my husbands yahoo account to update our S16 website and email, and low and behold I found my H and OW conversations they've had up until right before I moved back home. They were pretty sexual in detail, but definitely were written as just fantasy's they had with each other. They talked of sexual fantasies that my H and I actually acted out. Was he thinking of her while H and I were ML in the ways they fantasized about?? I know that they have been meeting up quite a bit prior to me moving back in, but their convo's eluded to just that, convo's. They would say things like, "We're getting closer to the real thing" and "We're being bad, what's going to happen when all of these fantasies come to fruision?" So I know they haven't had a PA yet, but it was getting close.

Since I've moved back, H has had no contact with OW and has been extremely transparent with me. I confronted him with what I knew this morning, and he said he knew it wasn't right, but that they were just conversations. He said that since I moved back he's been doing everything to prove to me that this is what he wanted, his family. He is upset that his actions this last 2 weeks haven't shown me anything, that his feelings and his actions didn't matter. I ended up telling him I was sick to my stomach and had to let him go as I needed to vomit and we hung up.

I just called him and told him that I know and appreciate what he's done for our M since I moved back and that I know he hasn't talked to her. I asked him to put everything out on the table now and to let me know anything else that might have happened between them so that we could move forward and he said absolutely nothing physical has happened between them. I told him that since I now know everything, that I am still willing to move forward and work on us because I love him. I told him that now that I know everything, I wouldn't shove it in his face or hold it over his head, that I needed my closure with what happened between them to be able to do this. He says he wants to move forward, but doesn't want to be held under a microscope. I told him that trust doesn't just come overnight, and that I needed time to heal from this and that I want to work towards trusting him again, but that he needed to be 100% transparent with me. I said I was in this 250% because I love him, and needed to know if he was willing to give 250% as well, and his comment to me was, "I thought I already was." He then said he needed to get off of the phone to finish up with work, and we hung up. He didn't say he loved me and only apologized when I brought that fact up.

So now what?? What should my next move be?? I'm so hurt and scared...Please help me figure this one out guys...I need you all now more than ever!!

[~ kd ~]

In my mind it's a tough call. This is still DBing and while you feel you weren't snooping, you still looked into something that I suspect you already knew would hurt you.

BUT... this is about piecing and both people working together and about transparency and boundaries...

You've put your findings out there and so he now knows... take your time to work through your emotions, even if that means getting away (physically and emotionally) from your H. In your case, just going out for coffee or a ride in the evenings to process.

You need your time to process this and he needs his and you will have another opportunity to discuss the elephant in time.

I just don't think that in the raw emotional times, it is something to get into. Put a pin in it and get on with other parts of piecing that you can handle...

That's my 2P...

[FreeBird0120]

Thanks Kaffe, you're right. This was such a blow...ugh this hurts so much. Knowing he had these intimate convo's with her makes me sick. But I guess I should have prepared myself for what I was about to see...I wasn't. I just wish he'd been honest with me about their relationship.

Why is he now turning this around like I'm at fault for reading these convo's they had?? 2 weeks of working hard doesn't mean I'm going to trust him right off the bat. Especially when he still wasn't completely honest with me.

I guess we've stepped 2 steps back, and only time will tell whether he really wants his family or his "friendship" although he hasn't talked to her since I moved back, so who knows...

I just wish she'd disappear...