What do I do next? Part 2

[Accuray]

LH,

Yes, you won't know if your W really always thought you yelled at her and the kids, or if she has convinced herself that you did to give her more reason for leaving. It doesn't matter that much, because now that's her perception.

I'm sure when she told you that, the old you would have argued and tried to convince her that you were right, that you did not yell or have an anger problem, or that she was the one with the anger problem. I'm sure the new you said "I'm sorry you feel that way, that's not the way I remember it, but I understand why that would be hard on you." (or something similarly non-argumentative) Got to love those 180's!

Nothing you can do about it now except for 180 going forward. My DB coach said that if my W recasts history, that I should not agree with her. i.e. if W says "we had a bad marriage" I should say "I don't think our marriage was bad". The line there is between stating your belief versus arguing about hers. State your belief, leave it there. Acknowledge your W's feelings on the matter.

Raising your voice is often construed as yelling or angry, even if you are only trying to be heard. The other approach is to remain silent until the background noise quiets down. When you're silent but look like you want to say something, it doesn't take people long to notice and get the point. When I'm talking to my wife and my kids come running in and start talking, I wait until they finish their sentence, tell them that my wife and I are talking right now, and they have to wait until we're done -- we don't respond to them when they interrupt. I'm not going to yell over them.

One other interesting thing is that arguing in a marriage isn't necessarily a bad thing. There was an article in the paper a couple weekends ago about the fact that the most successful marriages often DO include arguments. The push and pull indicates that both people are holding onto their identities, and the "make up" period after an argument is an important bonding device. If you argue and then make up it demonstrates caring, you're engaged in the relationship.

Obviously this requires healthy skills for arguing (being respectful, being logical, not getting angry, etc.), and also requires that both parties be willing to make up at some point later rather than stewing in a sea of resentment as often happens.

I thought it was an interesting point as my W and I almost never argued historically, and would just keep everything bottled up.

--Accuray