New here; husband left

[Coyote]

TMC,

I am basically saying what Accuray has to say but if you can tough it out I would recommend holding off on moving out. If you can, learn to cope with H's ups and downs, wierd behaviour or what have you.

Reconnecting with a S after moving apart usually becomes more difficult. Especially, it seems, if the split goes on for more than around 6 - 8 months. When apart, couples get more and more used to living separate lives. Not only that but when you are apart, your window of opportunity for showing any changes or working through any issues narrows.

However, that said, if there is physical abuse to either you and/or your child then separating yourself and your child from the situation is something you have to do. Heavy, dangerous addiction issues would also necessitate a move out (and I'm not talking about smoking the odd cigarette or the odd beer here and there.)

What about verbal abuse? That depends. As I've said before, if H takes unfair potshots at you then you let H know in a firm way that 'that's not on' or 'you can do better than that' and move on. Don't argue about it. Take note, if the frequency of this type of thing lessens over time or even stops, you're on to something. You'll be glad you stuck with it

If, however, over time it gets worse and you find that no matter what you do that you are unable to cope, and your self esteem is 'really' taking a nosedive then moving apart may be a consideration. Don't make this choice lightly though. As Accuray said above, this is a 'one shot event.'

On another note, you mention about going to the store and picking up some books. Just to let you know, over the last six years I have done 'alot' of reading on marriage. When I make these recommendations I don't make them lightly. There is some material that can get a little off the wall, so to speak, and may not be very helpful for you at the moment.

Start with Michelle's book 'Divorce Busting.' This is a must. Read through it carefully and then even read through it again. Without it, you won't have the necessary grounding that will enable you to better cope with your situation.

The next book should be Michelle's 'Divorce Remedy.' Basically, this one expands on the principles of the first book. As I mentioned before, Gary Chapman's, 'the 5 Love Languages' can be another good one. This one's more specific though. Essentially, this book deals with finding ways in which your spouse wants to be loved and not just the ways you want to be loved. Very good for sheading more light in this particular area.

If I were you though, I would start with Michelle's two DB books. Read them carefully. Then check out Dr. Chapman's book. However, I wouldn't get outside of these books for a while yet. You'll have plenty to help you with already! Again, don't make a show of reading these books in front of H. (Sorry, before, when I mentioned to check out the 5 LLs I thought you had already read the DB books.)

Are these books a magic pill? Your marriage in 30 days or your money back? Nope, there's no quick fix. It's a process. However, without this help your chances of getting back into a loving marriage with H will fall off considerably,

Coyote.

PS> My apologies for another big post. However, there's a lot of ground to cover here.

[Accuray]

Coyote, I think TMC's husband has already moved out, and she's living in his grandparents' home or similar. They are already living separate. Can you clarify TMC?

--Accuray

[Coyote]

"But now he has left and he kinda expects me to continue living here. I told him that I wouldn't be here forever but he knows I can't move right away"

Argh, didn't catch that one Accuray. If you could TMC, we'll need some more info here, thanks!

[TMC25]

H moved out the same week he told me it was over. He is living with his sister. I live w/ his grandma. We moved in with her after h's grandfather died to help out. H comes back to care for the yard and sometimes to see the baby. The benifits of staying are many. It's free (thats a big deal), its spacious, i'm not alone(very close to most of his family); but it's hard as well. I dont have alot of independence. I feel like H knows I'm not out w/ anyone else, he can come /go as he wants. It just seems to make it so easy for him. I want to be independent. I want to show him I can do it on my own. Also, I desperatly love my h but i can't move on from him here. Too much of his family here, pictures, memories. I dont want to ruin my chances of getting back together but maybe if I" move on" so to speak he will look at me differently and want to be with us. It seems like he just has the best of both worlds now. No responsibility but no risk of "losing" us eirther. Needing advice

[Accuray]

TMC,

Only you can decide what's right for you. It does sound like you are trying to send H a message with this move, and you should think about the following:

1) Can you send that message in other ways without moving out? (i.e. how else can you indicate that you're prepared to move on?)

2) What will you do / how will you feel if that message is not received the way you're expecting? (It rarely works out like you hope)

Can you afford to live in your own place right now? Are your parents helping you out?

Thanks,

Accuray

[Coyote]

Ah, now that I have my marbles straight on this,

"I want to be independent..."

Not a bad thing. Doesn't mean you're flying away from H or perhaps sending a message. Just that, perhaps, you want your own place. Nothing spectacular in that.

If you feel where you are at is not working it can't hurt to get you're own place. It does help to give one a sense of self, confidence, and 'I can do this.'

Heck, as long as you don't lord this over H or make a point of trying to send some sort of message with this he might actually like it. A running spouse can often find interest in their spouse showing initiative as long as they don't feel threatened.

In short, 'I just need my own place to call home, nothing else.' To add to this, if needed, 'No, not looking for anybody else. No time, not worth it. Just looking to call a place my own, that's it. If you're up for it I'm good for a coffee. If you're busy I understand.'

However, as Accuray said above, are your finances in order for this? If not, get a paper and pen out and plan for this. Don't just do this off the cuff,

Coyote

[MrBond]

Sounds like the reasons to move out far outweigh the reasons for staying. Has the family talked to you? Surely they can't expect you to stay around forever either. Have they talked to your H?

[TMC25]

Good points of intrest. H's family is very involved with drama. I try to stay out of it but it dosn't allways work. I feel like I'm being watched w/ a microscope here. I heard talk of H's grandma selling the house. I'm an upfront person so I asked her about it. She said that she would if she felt that it couldnt be maintained. She was worried that H wouldn't come keep up the outside maintance. She said she would leave if she couldnt keep it up or if i left she would to b/c she didnt want to live in this big house alone. She hasnt decided and said thatwe should wait and see where life takes us. Word spread back to him and he was upset. He is feeling a TON of pressure from his family. They are allways all over him. I said I was sorry he was stressed and I know he has a lot on his plate. And how could I help him. He said to just keep his Grandma happy because if she sold the house the baby and i would have no place to go. I told him that I try to keep er happy but this is a big change for her and that if she does decide to sell the house the baby and i would be fine as long as he helped out by continueing to pay child susport ond his half of the daycare. We ended to convo. on a good note. He is comming over later this week to do yard work. I feel like if i moved out it might be a good thing 4 me and maybe he would like it or all the drama from his family miht push him over the edge if i left. We should not be blamed. There are 43 other grand kids and 11 adult children that could help with the house aswell.

[Accuray]

Forgetting about what Grandma and H want, what do you want? What feels right to you?

What other people want can often be an excuse for not making a decision, and that rarely leads to happiness. If you haven't made a decision yet, how will you decide? What's important to you about your living situation?

--Accuray

[MrBond]

"I said I was sorry he was stressed and I know he has a lot on his plate."

This part is good.

"And how could I help him."

This part not so much.
It's not your job to "help" him. In fact, he left you with a baby at his grandmother's house.

Helping his grandmother is a nice gesture, but let's face it. This is between he and you. If he gets angry that no one is going to help his grandmother after you leave, then he can hire a housekeeper.

Take care of yourself and your baby first. He's not a real man to have left everything like that. He's stressed? Poor baby. I guess taking care of the kids was too much for him so he left you behind.

IMHO you need to move out to get your head on straight first. Don't let the family suck you into their drama. I'm sure they mean well, but you need to take yourself out of the noise of the drama to think clearly.