still pretty down today.. the problem I struggle most with aside from the unanswered questions...mixed signals..etc..is the finacial aspect of all of this.
When my H and I met, he was unemployed, living a very crazy life, but seemed mostly happy.. I on the other hand was recently divorced, had trust issues due to my x leaving me for another women...but financially i was secure.
My life revolved around making my h happy, something I know now that I really didnt control, however I was able to make him feel secure. when that all vanished is when our r took a nose dive. it is trly the only dots i can connect.
He says he only came back to me after the arrest for his defense on the pending charges. shortly after coming back he quit his job. he got another one before his 2 week notice was up so we were ok, but then that establishment went out of business and we had to go without his income (unemployment barely covered anything..) for 6 months, then he got his current job, which I think he has always felt it was beneath him...
I really have come to a place in my life where I realize that my happiness also matters. My security also matters, my hopes and dreams are important also. Its nice to take care of someone but it is nice to know you are taken care of as well... this is somewhere new for me. I know my h thinks he did all this, but i am having different memories of the r now.
I remember after our d was born he was suppose to be a stay at home dad because my income more than supported us and i didnt want to put d in daycare. the day before i was to return to work he announced to me he would go crazy if he had to stay home all the time with the baby.
then I remember him buying ear plugs so he wouldnt hear the baby cry at night. I remember getting phone calls minutes after i would leave the house if i finally would get a break to go somewhere without my baby.. asking "when will you be home..all she is doing is crying...."
I remember mostly negative right now, and I wonder why I am hanging on to this? why do i not just put my foot down and say "this is for the best!" I deserve more!
I know I tried to maintain a lifestyle for my h, even after my income declined, by getting us in debt.. that is his main complaint, and the only thing I know for sure he is angry about... however he didnt ask the questions when spending it..
I need to understand he is selfish, when he was home, and I was secure he would never leave, I could address these things with friends or even with him, when I would talk to him we would just fight, he would shut down and make ridiculous statements like we should sell everything we own and move into a one bedroom apartment. ( yeah that would help., we have a family of 4) but i know i should have compromised, but looking back i dont honestly think it would have made a difference, he would have left anyway. I couldnt support his lifestyle anymore.
I am venting.. i know but to write it out, and re-read it.. it helps.
Does anyone have any suggestions?
m 41 h 44 d 17 (prev marriage) d 9 Never give up!!!!!
