SIAS - Although you feel like you may have found this site late in the game, I believe it is never too late to start working on you. So, keep posting. Keep us informed of you progress. When you see signs of life in your S, share it with us and you will get advice and perspective that will help you sort out the confusing signals.
Just remember, all is not lost as long as you remain in the game. As MWD says, it takes one to tango. Be that one!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
I mean it and I feel it. Seriously my wife as they say on here will be an absolute fool to leave me as I am becoming a better person then I ever thought possible about myself. Her choice and potentially her loss.
As far as GAL'ing, what is the best method to respond when she asks specifically what I'm doing. Most of the time I tell her, like I'm working out, going to gym, having dinner w/ friends, taking the kids to so & so. If I say I have plans and she says what plans it seems kind of rude to be like "don't worry about it". Is it wise to tell her what I'm doing or should I try to create mystery and have her wonder what I'm up to? And what is the kindest way to do that?
You could just say that you're going out with friends and if she specifically asks where, you can always say it hasn't been decided yet. If you're going out alone (and no you don't need to tell her), you can give an "I don't know yet".
You're right, you don't have to be rude. There may come a time where you decide to give her less info on what you're up to. It's up to you how you address it.
I'm not a big player when it comes to mystery. I share sometimes, sometimes not, but it's about the moment.
A recent situation has developd and i would love to get other peoples opinions. My wife has been out of the house for about 4 months and we alternate w/ the kids. We are both very flexible when it comes to this.
I am really struggling financially and she brought up the possibility for her to stop renting her place and we would take turns at my house. The house is in my name. She said she would like something in writing as far as a schedule but made it clear that whoever's night it was to not be at the house would leave after dinner or shortly their after.
She has mentioned this possible set-up previously and I am not quite sure how I feel about it. I know she misses the neighborhood and our friends and I don't sense at all that her suggesting this is a step towards R. I think it would be good for the kids and provide a more stable environment. I absolutely hate the fact that I will have to leave my house every other night and find a place to stay, maybe with a friend. I don't want to not do this due to anger and resentment but I also don't want to feel like a doormat. Do I do what's in the best interest of my kids or myself and how do I balance that?
If only I was better off financially I would be in a better position to control these things but thats just not the case right now.
I guess I don't see how this is more stable for anyone...? In essence you are homeless every other night and then your w is homeless the next. Your kids just want to be with their parent and home is wherever you are.
Not to mention the house becomes this place run by no one but occupied by everyone. If te financials are bad then I would tackle that. Decrease expenses, increase income, take in a roommate, bankruptcy, downsize, see a non-profit credit counselor...
I think there are lots of reasons not to do this and previous few to do it. And it's not anger to make your w live with what she created... It's enforcing reality.
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
I see the upside for her (as in no rent). Is this rent (or half) going to be coming to you?
My H stayed in the house 15 months post bomb and to say that is was stressful for everyone, wouldn't really cover it. I will also say that as long as he was there, my D's (esp youngest, 12 at the time) thought we were really working on it. So, when he left....she said she felt like she'd lived on a razor blade for nothing.
I can also tell you that the girls didn't always act in character b/c they were trying to make him happy. <Sigh>.
I don't know that I really see an upside for the kids. How old are they? Sure, they get to stay in the same place and while that's all well and good, for how long? Does this skew their expectations for what's to come and are you misleading them in a way that will have them doubting their perceptions?
Make your own list of pro's and con's. I would also make that same list with reconciliation completely off the table. Why? How will you feel at some future point, if it doesn't work out between the two of you?
We haven't discussed specifics but she would be contributing towards the mortgage/utilities which she currently is not.
Kids are 15, 9, & 6. The 15 year old has stayed w/ me at my house this entire time. I definitely think this will throw a kink in their expectations but am not sure exactly how they will react.
Just recently they have been asking in front of my w and I when is mom coming home, why can't mom just sleep on the couch, etc.. She says she gets this from them alot but I rarely get asked by them. I responded with let mom and I work that out and we are doing our best.
I don't know how this would affect a possible R, and whether it would be a good move or not if that is my long term goal. Guess I'll give it more time.
"I am really struggling financially and she brought up the possibility for her to stop renting her place and we would take turns at my house. The house is in my name. She said she would like something in writing as far as a schedule but made it clear that whoever's night it was to not be at the house would leave after dinner or shortly their after."
I don't think this is a good idea. Unless you are piecing things back together and working towards a R, this just seems like a ploy to make life more comfortable for your W and she is using your financial hardship as a tool to solve her own problem.
I think it would actually work in your favor to not go down this path at this time. It would send a clear message to your W that you are moving on with your life and that may actually cause her to draw closer to you.
Maybe you can get a p/t job to bring in more $$ or maybe bring in a roommate other than your W.
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
W & I are communicating and are friendly with each other but I still don't know where to draw the line as far as DB'ing goes. One of the main reasons our m declined and we are seperated is that I wasn't their for her emotionally. Over the past year and a half I have made every effort to change that dynamic and their are times when she has told me she is angry because I'm doing it now but I should of been like this years earlier.
Their have been multiple times within the past 6 months where she says if she thinks of me as her husband she has a lot of anger and resentment but when she lets me in as a friend then their is not as much.
So I'm still trying to figure out how to detach yet be their and be supportive of her. I want her to know I'm there but don't want to pursue.
I definitely am not going to initiate any R talks and haven't done so in a while. I also haven't initiated any friendly calls/tm's. I don't want her to think that I'm not interested in her life however.
I am concerned that she is happy and will continue to be so with us just being friends. If we come to a D than I don't think I will be able to have her in my life as much as she is now and I guess eventually I will have to let her know that but as of now I am not bringing up any R talk.
She hasn't specifically mentioned D in a few weeks but she has brought up things like her going to need health insurance and our car that is in both of our names. I really didn't comment much on either statement and just listened and validated.
Should I try to build on the friendship that we have re-established or keep it vague and do more GAL??? This has included me exercising 4-5 times/week, spending a lot of time w/ my kids at home and taking them out, and hanging out w/ friends.
