At least for me the holidays bring these thoughts and feelings more to the forefront. The holidays, and that meant starting with Halloween right on through to New Year's were a very special time filled with love and joy for my family. It's not that the rest of the year wasn't, but it seemed magnified at this time of year. H loved it and all that it entailed.
Everything I do is filled with memories. I think of H enjoying all those things with someone else. His FB posts of what he's doing with and for his 'honey' still have the power to hurt. No, I do not snoop but hear of it in a roundabout way.
The children admitted to me that try as I might to keep the traditions the same, they're just not. I asked them what we could do to make them our own with the family dynamics we now have. Funny, but they didn't want me to change anything. Maybe just do more of the things I used to do. Bake more cookies, experiment with special dishes, etc.
Not only is the money not there to do what I used to do, it's H not being there appreciating it in a way that the kids, being kids and on the go, don't seem to.
Punkin, as far as the guilt is concerned, you did what you thought you had to do to save your H. You wanted him around longer and when you saw the path he was headed down you did what you thought you had to do. You didn't know at the time that no matter what you did, it wasn't going to stop the inevitable. Please don't feel guilt because you loved your H.
I just want to find the switch that my H seems to have found and flip it, just forget what I thought he and I used to have.
