Feel like I'm living the movie Groundhog Day...

[workinghardguy]

Journaling... another night, another R/D talk at her initiation. Came home from work and W took SS for a haircut. She had dinner mostly done and I finished it up. We ate as a family and laughed and had a good time. After dinner W did some cleaning while I worked with S on his Christmas list.

We did have a tense exchange about Thanksgiving. Typically we go to her mom's house. My mom moved this way two years ago and last year we had a big thing at our house. But W has to work on Thanksgiving this year and SS and SD will be with their dad. So I said I would take S out to my MIL's house. I'm not a huge fan of her family, but my S loves his cousins and having better interactions with her family is one of my 180s. She got snippy with me and said I didn't have to do that. I kept cool and said I just assumed her mom would want our S there (her mom gets pissed when family isn't there... she'll keep a grudge for the next 3 months that my W isn't there) but that if she doesn't want me to go I don't have to go. Now... I could spend it with my mom and her husband, but frankly as much as my in-laws drive me nuts, my mom's husband drives me nuttier (my mom's a widower). So if I had to pick... well, I'd pick volunteering at the community dinner here in town but after that I'd go to her family's Thanksgiving (plus they have a big screen TV and the Packers are playing after all) We didn't settle the issue so I'm sure we will discuss that again.

After we got kids in bed W and I sat down to start figuring out a Christmas plan. Looking at lists and Black Friday sales, then figuring out how much we are going to spend and looking at our budget.

Somehow... and I wish I could remember how... that quickly led to an R talk. She went down that road and we talked for probably an hour about the state of things while watching the Packers crush the Vikings.

It was a good talk. I didn't cry, though did choke up once or twice. Oh... I remember now... one of her friends' daughters found out about the D and W couldn't figure out how. Though I'm guessing W's friend told her XH who told their D. Anyway, that's what opened the door.

We cleared the air on some things which was good. Things I've said in past R talks that hurt her she brought out. I'm glad she did as I was able to validate and set the record straight. One example is that I said in a very early R talk that I, at times, feel like a glorified babysitter sometimes. I meant this as it relates to her going off on party weekends and I am left with the kids. She took it to mean all times she relies on me, including when she has to work. And that's not at all what I meant.

She established that she wants to break the news to the kids sometime after the holidays... I don't know what that means time-wise exactly. She's scared to do it though as she knows it will hurt them badly.

She also revealed that this whole thing is very painful for her. That she knows she is the one mainly responsible (her words, not mine) for destroying her security, the kids' security, our life together, and the future. That she sat and looked at our marriage photos in the stairwell the other morning and broke down.

It's not like I didn't know, or at least believe that this whole thing hurts her, but I thought it was interesting that she exposed herself like that. I simply validated and told her I didn't believe this didn't hurt her. That I know she hurts and it's part of the experience.

We discussed more logistics stuff. More talk about who would have the house and how that might work. And for anyone who looked at my other thread about child care issues... it was timely. She asked tonight about whether I would want to play a role or if she should look for paid care. I told her I would think about it and that we have time to figure it out. But I appreciate her consideration.

We talked more about the kids and how this might affect them. I simply kept validating and letting her know that I understand where she's at. I did make a point of saying this is not something I agree with, but that I understand she wants it so what will be, will be.

The whole thing was very calm and measured. We even laughed at times and had some levity. She told me that she appreciates that we can do this without yelling, violence, etc... that would scar the kids. I've never been the type to do any of that so I don't know why that would be an issue, but it must be something she is scared of.

She remains committed to her decision though, but again I don't expect any real change until either a) she works with new information/reference frame or b) has a crisis. Actually as we were talking tonight a very introspective comment came into my head. It's a comment that one of my cadets gave me many years back and it is so true... especially in the case of DBing...

"You cannot change the mind of anyone; you can only change the information they are working from." And that is so true here. We cannot change our WAS' minds. We can only change the information, the narrative if you will, and see if that allows them to change their own minds.

Two last things... she did talk tonight about being worried about her drinking. She was drinking heavy this past weekend and that's been a recurring theme the past few weekends. I shared with her that I was worried about her and her increased drinking of late, and that's all I said. She said she knows and needs to do something about it... I think that's been said by many others before.

And in case anyone is wondering how her IC session went... well, it didn't. The UTI she has wiped her out today and she rescheduled for Friday. She did give me the name of who she is seeing, so I still believe that she is going to go... or at least I remain hopeful that she will.