Thank you everyone it really means a lot to me to have your support especially from people that have made it out to the other side.

this has been a really rough few days for me I don't think I have cried this much since H told me he was done and wanted a D. All I wanted to do tonight was come home from work and watch Prince of Persia with the boys. Of course that didn't happen....

First my mother dropped by I don't know why i even expect to receive support from her. She is happy to throw money around but a heartfelt I am sorry or what can I do is never going to happen. I need to just understand that is all she is capable of giving.

Then H called and wanted to discuss the holidays. He wants to have the kids on Christmas eve.... I am devasted. I know that is how it is but I can't imagine waking up on Christmas morning without my babies. He said it was his day to have them because yes he gets them every sat night. He asked me what I wanted to do about christmas and I said if I had a choice I wanted them to wake up here at the house. You know like they have every other year of their lives. Then of course he was the martyr and fine you can have them. But next year it is going to be different. One of us will have to feel left out.

Our kids are 4 and 7 I do not understand why we can't figure out a way to have a holiday together. he is telling me we will have to split birthdays too. I can't imagine not seeing my boys on their birthday. I don't understand where he is coming from. he said my family makes him feel awkward and that this house doesnt' feel like his home because he doesnt' have a key. YOU DON'T LIVE HERE......... So now he needs a key to be able to come and watch the boys open presents?? I am not saying hang out all day. Then he was making some comments about how he doesn't want to come over because I will get the wrong idea. That we are never going to be together again. I said I don't want to be with you. Said it about 3 times. felt good.

he said it was hard to see me, um you left me remember? He was talking in circles alot. Apparently my family makes him feel awkward and they are not his family anymore. That is total crap. His family live in England and my family have really taken him in and that is very hurtful for him to say. I am not mad at his family I don't feel awkward to see them. what does his family have to do with our failed marriage? Then he said I know you talk to my mom and I know what you said. I have said nothing bad about him at all so I have no idea what he meant at all. Wouldn't tell me either?

then he started in on thanksgiving. A few weeks ago he told me he wasn't going to see the boys at all, which I thought was wrong. I told him several times he could see them for part of the day. No he was going to his friends. But now today wants to see them ok fine just let me know what time so I can figure out what time to have dinner. I told him again I would never keep him from seeing the boys and I wish he could see them more I wish he could see them everyday. I said they miss you and he said he really missed them. It is nice to hear he has some feelings.

Then he asked me if he wanted to take the boys to England would I let him. I really didn't know what to say because I don't want to. The idea of that scares me to death. What if he didn't bring them back? What if he just decided to stay there with the boys and his OW?? I don't think he would do that but I didn't think he would cheat on me and leave me the way he did either. right now I don't feel like I know him at all. I finally said I wouldn't like it but how could I say no? I did ask the lawyer about that and she said he could petition the court and a judge would allow it and all it would do was cause hard feelings between him and I.

I am just exhausted with this situation. I really am. How did my life turn into such a circus?

I don't understand why he is acting like he hates me and can't stand to be around me. HE is the one that left...