How is it SUPPOSED to work?

[grebjack]

Wow, I think I did a really poor job of communicating my thoughts in my previous post.

What's your chicken exit? What you DO when the questions are tough and you want to avoid the answers?

Not sure what to say about my chicken exit. When I was little I was afraid of the ghosts in my closet. Some of my clothes were just lighter than others, so in the dark room they were these ghastly pale shapes that scared the crap out of me. My dad, probably just tired of being called into my room to reassure me, finally convinced me to get out of bed and go touch the "ghosts." Probably took me dozens of terrified trips out of my bed going TOWARD the ghosts when what I really wanted was to be as far from them as possible, but after a while, I wasn't scared of them anymore. That's sorta been my M.O. for scary stuff ever since - if my rational mind says it won't actually kill me, I force myself to face the fear head-on 'cause that's how I know to make the fear go away. That's how I learned public speaking, asking guys out, diving off the 3m board, etc. I'm not sure I use a chicken exit.

If your M failed, you see yourself as incompetent?

Well, being 0 for 1 on marriage wouldn't be an argument for my great skill and judgment. I guess I hadn't thought of it in terms of competence.

If you are so smart, how could you have not known your H was unhappy?

How could I not have known my husband was unhappy? I still don't think he was unhappy. I tried to make him negotiate a non-negotiable (kids) and he walked. But when my counselor told me I had to discuss it with him, I knew that that would forever change our relationship. I just couldn't disagree with her moral argument that he had a right to know. I'm pretty sure that if I had never started that conversation, he'd be sitting across the room from me right now.

Why did you M him in the first place since you should have known he would leave you?

Why should I have known he would leave me? We didn't get married too young or too quickly or anything like that. I'm sure we both meant our vows when we made them. He said, at the time of our split, that he wasn't surprised - that everywhere in his life, he's always waiting for the other shoe to drop - I couldn't have imagined us getting divorced even two months earlier. Heck, I still have hope that we won't.

Why bother doing something if you are only going to fail because... you aren't smart enough...

I'm way too arrogant to struggle with this - I'll try anything. Okay, I haven't tried flying by flapping my wings, precisely because I'm sure I will fail and get hurt in the process. But I don't think that's a telling metaphor - I think human beings just can't fly by flapping their arms. I assume that I can do just about anything that is humanly possible if I'm willing to put in the time and effort.

If your M fails, you will have an empty spot in your life? Spikes loudly on the abandonment scale... where else do you have empty spots in your life? Who has abandoned you in your past?

Yeah, I have an empty spot already - my husband has been out of the house for 3.5 years. Who else has abandoned me? My husband isn't the first guy who ever broke up with me, but that's just par for the course, right?

Is it possible... that you have abandoned yourself? That you've "given up" on yourself to live a life of scarcity, because you'd rather not make room in your life because it would be empty...? That you're not worthy of having love...?

Can you say more about this? I think of my life as pretty spoiled, rather than a life of scarcity. Worthy of having love? I don't even know what that means. I don't think people love us because we're worthy. I can value things and people if they give me stuff I want and I will stop valuing them if they stop serving me, but I love my tiny niece even when all she has to give me is a poopy diaper.

You teach for many reasons... sounds like you fulfill two prominent values you hold dear... first... your students find out that you ARE smart and competent... and second, they fill your need to feel needed... they fill those empty spots in your life...

This is true - I REALLY want my life's work to be useful. Is that something I should work on? Is the idea that any time you find you need something from life, you should try to purge that, make yourself less "needy"? I'll have to think about that - I'm inclined to think I'd rather live in a world where EVERYONE wants to be useful.

In what way might your focus on teaching be interfering with your ability to connect to others in your personal life... your family... your H...?

My job takes time that I could otherwise spend connecting with family and friends, but then they mostly have jobs and aren't free during the day either. As for my husband, I was passionate about teaching when he met me - I think it was (is) one of the things he liked and respected about me. Certainly one of the things I admire and enjoy about him is his commitment to being good at what he does.

What would happen to you if you made mistakes?

I'd learn. That happens every day. The "if" is almost funny 'cause I think everything I do well I learned by running out of ways to do it badly!

What would happen to you if you had time alone?

This is the thing I had an emotional reaction to. IF I had time alone! I spend way more time alone than I'd like. Sometimes I deal by posting on these boards. Sometimes I just suck it up 'cause there is stuff I need to do at home and no one else lives here. Sometimes I call a friend to go out, or just go to places (Panera, the library...) where I know there will be other people. If I spend too much time in solitude (I'd say 36 hours is about my max), I just go catatonic. I'll suddenly realize that four hours have passed and I've just been staring at the wall on the other side of the room. That's been true of me since I was old enough to be left without a babysitter. Alone time for a few hours on the beach or for a hike or something like that that just gives me time to be in my own thoughts is great. But really, I can comfortably go without food and water for a lot longer than I can comfortably go without being around people. And I think you're telling me I should try to change that about myself. Can you say why?