Too late?

[Young at Heart]

My heart goes out to you. You do sound like you are trying and that you understand your role in things and want to save your marriage. This is a good website for that.

I will say that some of the emotional scars I have from the sexual rejection by my wife are very deep. There were times when I avoided contact with her out of fear of being emotionally hurt and humiliated by her again. There times that I swore to myself that I didn't care what she might do, that I was never ever going to open myself to that kind of emotional pain from her again. At times it felt better to be numb that to allow her to get close to me and potentially emotionally hurt me. Of course when you have known someone for 40 years, they know your vulnerability. (I/we am much better now.)

My wife also felt vulnerable. The LL's you describe are fairly common for men and you should make him feel loved in those LL's as much as you can, without any expectation from him. It sounds like you have and that you have taken to adding to the touch a degree of sexy flirting, which is great, but you need to understand that he may be afraid of opening up to you and being hurt by you. That is why you need to make him feel loved (and emotionally safe) first. As such make sure that you do touch him in some affectionate way each day, whether it is a hug, kiss or hand on his arm/shoulder. I would also suggest that you praise him for what he does for you and your children. Let him know that you are proud of what he does and what he accomplishes.

There are some rituals that the marriage counselor John Gottman recommends that if you could build them into your morning and evening greetings would probably help. They are at the following website (yes it is a corny website) and toward the bottom of the article: Gottman relationship recommendations on 5 hours per week to make a marriage strong

It took my making my W feel loved in her LL's probably about 5 months along with help from a sex therapist before my W was able to ML to me. I literally have for the past couple of years done multiple things in my wifes primary and secondary LL each and every day so that she feels and knows that she is loved.

If your marriage survives, you will need to have the skills to make it stronger. That is one reason that you really need to work on a GAL. It sounds from what you have read, the weight you have lost, and the actions you have taken to win back you husband that you have a quite active GAL.

May I suggest that one of your GAL activities should be a physical exercise that involves you, your children and potentially your husband. One of mine was running in races. My two adult sons ran in them, along with my oldest son's wife and some of them my wife has participated in. My wife and went for weekend walks and had brunch either before or after. It was a time to walk hand in hand and talk. You don't need to make it running, it can be walking in the park, swimming, bicyling, hiking, or a host of other things.

Find an activity that "builds" family ties and makes you closer to your children and offers you husband an opportunity to also be closer to all of you.

Good luck to you and your family.