Finally confronted H on affair...Now what????

[25yearsmlc]

KG,

This is going to take every ounce of self control you can muster.

1)Sit down and let him talk about what he wants. Validate unless it becomes downright abusive.

2)Calmly tell him this is not what you want but you also won't stand in his way and try to muck up the process. Neither of you has the funds to do that, right?

agree with the first 2 options...you already know the "If I had it to do over again, I'd do a LOT of things differently" response...and for total revisions you say "Wow I don't recall it that way BUT I'm sorry if you were hurt"--both validate and neither escalates and both reveal change in YOU...

being calm NEVER hurts in these situations and given his version of you, which he'll hope to find evidence of to fuel his decision and stop him from 2nd guessing....

however-if he goes on too long about how bad it was and the m HAS to end, you can say, firmly but gently, "H, I hear what you are saying. As you know, I have a lot of regrets and changes to make. But please believe me when I say that I know people can and do change in life. Certainly YOU have...and so have I. I'm sure we'll both be better partners for our next r's as you are already discovering...I'm Not arguing about how our past marriage needed to end -- my point is simply that there IS an element of choice in our new behaviors here, and that's all. But as you were saying...???


Note you are confirming HE is different...so why can't YOU be different too? (You both can be and you both are--but you cannot point THAT out to him or its pursuit and resistance and he'll fight that and cement his choices in.



3)If he starts throwing out numbers to you that are no where near what the formulas require then make sure to calmly tell him you have done some research (no need to tell him about the L) and found that the formula requires $xxx.xx amount per month. Let it sink in to his head. Say nothing else about it.

Mixed feelings. I prefer staying vague but showing that you are NOT confident about his numbers (unless he miraculously comes up with better ones than your L did--in which case say you need time to process what that all means)

But whatever number you throw out, TRY HARD NOT TO THROW OUT ANY NUMBER TO HIM, this is classic negotiation strateguy 101, you are NOT the one to say a number first....

and if you feel forced to give "a number ANY number!!" then toss out you best most reasonably accurate number and then add 50% so he cannot say you "got all you wanted" when the reasonable number is just that, a reasonable number you may end up settling on....


4)As far as legal separation, what would you want to accomplish with that? It doesn't do anything other than stop just short of a full D.


I disagree w/that a lot...

First, in California, legal separations keep spouses from being able to sell marital property, which MY spouse wanted to do to please his heroes in the tundra, as an "investment." He woiuld have done that with no regrets, (til later) IF I had not filed for separation which protected our marital assets.

SIDENOTE-- (About a year ago h mentioned how glad he was that "WE" did not mortgage our house for those guys...I said nothing...)

AND it kept me on his medical insurance policy AND several other death benefits still applied, that would have automatically disappeared by operation of law, if we divorced...AND, for some of us, (e.g., Catholics) it makes you feel a little less guilty (since my religion has made me an intersection for guilt, that matters).

It did NOT slow a divorce down b/c the time apart as a separated couple still accrued as if we were divorcing, as in "12 months separation for no fault" was still 12 months, whether we had filed for div or sep or nothing.


Trust me, he would only view it as a pathetic stall tactic. Men don't like games and it would seem like one.


WOW, THAT'S Not how my h viewed it at all. Not at all.

Nor did it get him to rush back into my arms but he sure took it seriously and not as a game. He was upset, to say the least.

There are some differences in the situation to be sure, but you cannot simply say all men will view it this way or that way....

what is the goal?

My experience was that my h saw that there was still a part of me that was willing to hold out hope for our m, but yet not be a doormat, just watching our life savings go down the drain b/c what he did already cost us several hundreds of thousands of dollars...

and having him lie to me, again, to go up there to "see what's going on", was too much for me. I felt I had to do something, DIFFERENT as my DB Coach said, "doing nothing from long distance was sure not helping."

Not all states have legal separations. But ours did. And

I filed for one to protect our marital assets, without ending the marriage. Sooo Not a game.

5)Ask him again if he would be willing to go to C with you not only regarding your anger issues, but also to learn co-parenting skills that will need to be in place before a D is final. You have very young children and have 18 years of this with him. It's going to be a long R no matter what the outcome of the M is.

Not clear here. Are you asking if HE"D go or is he asking if you will go or is the court or what??

any counselling together would be good I'd think. Especially if it's aimed at the kids b/c that keeps the blaming down. You cannot stare at him though, to say "SEE???? See what YOU are doing to them??" He's not immune to guilt and feels some as it is. Do not be the messenger of that. It backfires every time.

Plus, He probably thinks YOU caused this and to an extent, you own that. Second, it does neither of you OR the kids any good to point fingers now.

3rd, the counselling, whatever its purpose is an opportunity for you to show you can be calm and kind and rational and generous of spirit.
It's 180 time!!

Being the best mother you can be at this time, and looking your best AND "faking it til you're making it" HELP

so be upbeat, cheerful if possible but regretful about the situation...

knowing that the more change he sees in you

the harder this is for him to do. And you want this to be very hard for him....so it's like that saying "kill him w/kindness"...

make sense?


As for filing and what attitude, how about something like, you need time to

" process all this b/c even though it's not new to YOU, h, it's still new to me. I just had a baby and am stopped nursing (if you did) & still getting my hormones and sleep cycle down to a more even keel/ level."

AND OR

"I'm just not ready YET for rushing into something that ends a long marriage with three children SO young"

AND OR

"Hold on h, I didn't know about this as long as you have...I just want to catch up with you about my new future..."

"Though I accept your decision, with regret- I need to take a breath for now H, just to catch up to where you are....but again, I'm not fighting you on this..."

(Notice you are not asking HIM to slow HIS thinking or actions down...just that you need time to catch up to where he is...and btw, you have a few physical AND PROFESSIONAL MATTERS to handle that he does not have...remember?

Oh yeah, you gave birth, haven't slept well, AND oh yeah, YOU need a new career path b/c aside from needing money NOW that you didn't need before

YOU ALSO need a job that allows for a parent to be with the kids....

KG, now and then you are allowed to scream into the pillow that your h's timing is the worst ever...well no, I do know a man/client who's wife served him papers at his mother's funeral b/c she "knew he'd be there"....so I guess that one wins....but NEXT TO HER...your h's timing is hideous.


Remember not to apologize for NOT being superwoman

but it's okay to apologize for trying so hard to be and then creating unrealistic expectations of yourself. Structured for failure...like many of us.

I don't know ANY woman who is a great lover/ great professional/, great mother/, great friend/sister/daughter and wife WHILE HAVING A BABY...

Frankly, what IS the rush to divorce anyhow? Seriously...why the hurry? I don't get it. He's with her as much now as he can be, and isn't she getting money from her h too? how will divorce help that?

How does it help THEM to rush it? Will there be more money for them? I'm confused...

unless...they're so broke--no, a divorce won't make HIM richer...

unless it's just pressure from her? Let's hope so. After all, she left her h and that was a toughie...so maybe she wants a reciprocal divorce from your h to "prove his love"...

all the better for YOU, imo.

hope this helps