What do I do next? Part 2

[luvhurts49]

Well, confronted W about A and OM on Saturday. She didn't deny anything, but didn't affirm anything either. She did say that she didn't do anything while we were together. I'm going to read between the lines here a bit and assume that since she isn't living in our home, she likely interprets that to mean that we are not together so she's likely done something with OM. She kept on asking my "how do you know?" and I just said that I didn't want to talk about that right now.

For some reason, my W emailed my dad on Friday asking to meet for dinner next week to "catch up on things" (whatever that means). Don't quite know why my W would want to talk with my dad since she thinks my dad is kind of an a$$, but he is a little more emotionally distant than most people.

I've thought about a lot of things over the weekend. I know I need to detach from my W, but it is so hard to do. How do you let go of the one person you want to spend the rest of your life with?

I know I need to GAL, but again, hard to do with minimal friends and even less $$$.

And lastly, I still don't understand how my W changed into what is now my W in the blink of an eye. I mean, we come back from vacation and she is this wonderful, sexy, smart woman who loves me with all of her heart (both showing and telling) and then two weeks after she left, she is this vengeful, angry, vindictive, roller coaster driving, love killing woman that I barely recognize.

I know I've only been dealing with this for 3 months (a short time compared to some of you), but it feels like an eternity. Combine that with the constant lying, misdirection, and wanting a D ASAP, this situation has driven me completely bonkers.

[Accuray]

LuvHurts49,

Brutal, sorry to hear it. When you confronted W, what did you say, and what did you not say?

What did you ask, and what did you not ask?

Did she ask you anything other than "how do you know?"

Did you ask W about the requested meeting with your dad?

Did you discuss parenting, what she's been saying to the kids, and what you have not been saying to the kids?

How do you let go of the one person you want to spend the rest of your life with?

You have a need for connection and intimacy, and right now there is a big gap there your wife used to fill. There are really only 2 things you can do (1) lower your level of need or (2) find something else to fill it.

Time will help with #1, but that doesn't help you now. Exercise can also help with #1. #2 can be helped with support groups, therapy, extended family, dating or best of all, friends!

There is no magic here other than time -- put a date on your calendar in 2 weeks and KNOW that you will be feeling better by then. When you get there, reassess, and set another target date.

The other thing you could do is to find a second job -- that will give you an opportunity to meet people, make sure you're not sitting at home doing nothing, and bring in some extra $$$. Just be sure it's something you somewhat enjoy.

I still don't understand how my W changed into what is now my W in the blink of an eye. I mean, we come back from vacation and she is this wonderful, sexy, smart woman who loves me with all of her heart (both showing and telling) and then two weeks after she left, she is this vengeful, angry, vindictive, roller coaster driving, love killing woman that I barely recognize.

Very frustrating that your W would about-face so quickly. There are two things to explain this: (1) she's been pulling away for a long time but "acting" happy for your benefit out of fear of being left, or (2) she's impulsive and OM came on strong.

Then again, it may be neither, you may never know. She might not know either, although over time she'll convince herself of a comfortable justification.

Hang in there, it WILL get better.

--Accuray

[Accuray]

Also, after you've had some time to process, would be interesting to hear your opinion on "to confront, or not to confront" for the benefit of others on the board.

Accuray

[luvhurts49]

When you confronted W, what did you say, and what did you not say?

When I confronted my W, I simply told her that value our marriage and although we have had difficult times in the past, we've always found ways to get through them. That I was tired of the games and the lies. That I know about OM and how she betrayed our trust. That I still wish to work on our M, but I will not share her heart with another man.

What did you ask, and what did you not ask?

I did not ask her any questions. I did not ask when the A started.

Did she ask you anything other than "how do you know?"

Not really.

Did you ask W about the requested meeting with your dad?

I never even brought it up.

Did you discuss parenting, what she's been saying to the kids, and what you have not been saying to the kids?

Nope. I wasn't in the mood to say anything other that what I had to say (confronting her about OM).

I know I am a "fixer", but it is impossible for me to do nothing to "fix" this situation. I keep waiting for someone to give me another answer that I like and not one that keeps me sad all the time. I can act like I'm happy, but it's just a show and I think everyone knows it. I can't handle just sitting around and waiting for her when it likely won't ever happen.

It's apparent that she is enthralled with her new man and there isn't anything more that I would like to do than squash him, but I know I can't do that for the sake of my kids. My W is so completely detached from me and shows me nothing but anger. It hurts just to think about it.

[luvhurts49]

If everyone hasn't figured out by now, I am a worrier and my brain does not ever shut off. So not only do I worry about my W, her A, and her OM, I'm also worrying about our kids, our D, who's gonna get custody, my house, how to pay for things, what is my W gonna think about this or that, does she think about me, is she having regrets, is this OM a temporary thing, how are our kids gonna react after D is final, am I ever gonna get some sleep, is my W ever gonna stop being mean to me, am I ever gonna stop talking about this stuff, is it ever gonna get better, will we figure this out, and on and on and on.

[luvhurts49]

Also, after you've had some time to process, would be interesting to hear your opinion on "to confront, or not to confront" for the benefit of others on the board.

I think in my situation I had to confront her because first, she didn't have any idea that I knew about the A with OM and secondly, I needed to confront her for myself, that I wasn't going to be a floor mat for her to walk on anymore.

She became somewhat defensive once I told her about the A and OM and she started with some excuses, but then she basically stopped denying it. She wouldn't come out and admit it or anything, but never denied it.

Shortly after my W left me, she started drawing a line in the sand that basically said that she was done. Everything that she has done since that time has been done to reinforce her decision and nothing I do can change that (that's where be a "fixer" won't help me any). Now I am assuming that she is only saying she is done is because she wants to be with this OM and this is just her way of justifying it. If anyone has any other thoughts, please feel free to share.

[Accuray]

Yeah, you're tearing yourself apart. I've been there, I had those horrible, unrelenting feelings. What your wife has done is *wrong*.

As I've said before, my W's OM is gone, but I am definitely living with his ghost. I wonder how often she's thinking about him, I wonder if she compares how he made her feel to how I make her feel, etc. I am also a worrier and a fixer, and my brain does not shut off either.

It does help if you can do things to feel less powerless in this situation -- remember, you are staying in the game by choice.

One other thing that did help me after the bomb, I went and filled out a partial profile on Match.com. It's free, and if you don't complete your profile, no one can find you there, but you will get e-mails every day of women who match your preferences. Seeing 8 women arrive in my inbox every day in my area, in my age range, looking for a relationship definitely helped reinforce that there is hope for me either in this relationship or outside of it.

I was definitely anxious and wondering "what am I going to do after W leaves?" envisioning a life of sitting alone in an apartment somewhere -- terrifying thought. Seeing how many women are available and interested in connecting was definitely therapeutic, and made me feel less alone, despite the fact that I did nothing to let any of them know that I exist.

It's kind of like participating on this board -- knowing there are many others out there who have gone through or are going through what you're going through.

Accuray

[sayitaintso]

I'm feeling for you LH49. I was a constant emotional mess for about 4 months after the bomb dropped and seperation. We all cope w/ it in our own ways and time and although I still have ups and downs, the downs are not as constant as they were previously.

You can only do your best and be proud of the road you are on as you are a good man for choosing it for yourself and your kids.

Wishing you the Best!!

[luvhurts49]

It's kind of like participating on this board -- knowing there are many others out there who have gone through or are going through what you're going through.

I don't mind reading some of the posts on this board, but sometimes it's just too depressing. I start to see correlations between someone's post and my situation and it gets me down. I don't really participate on anyone else's post because since I can't even get my own situation under control, I don't feel like I have any right to give anybody else advice.

I definitely have those "what am I going to do after W leaves?" thoughts. There are just so many things up in the air right now and it's gonna be like dominoes at some point. Either they are going to fall in a line or it's gonna be a big a$$ mess.

I thought about doing the whole match.com thing, but the reality is my W is so out of my league (I was so lucky) that anybody else is not gonna be a fair comparison (I'm very visual).

[Accuray]

I thought about doing the whole match.com thing, but the reality is my W is so out of my league (I was so lucky) that anybody else is not gonna be a fair comparison (I'm very visual).

That's low self-esteem talking. One of the things I read in "Passionate Marriage" is that we all choose a partner at the same level of "differentiation" as ourselves. Although that's a loaded term that you'd have to read his book to understand, it basically means that your W needed you as much as you needed your W, although you showed it in different ways, both functional and not.

I did not "do the whole match.com thing", and that's an important point -- I was a lurker for a brief while, and it DID help. There are many women out there in their mid 30's and early 40's looking for love a second time around, and as you read everywhere, it can be harder for women than for men to find love a second time. While your W may be stunning, that's definitely colored by your emotional attachment to her. The point of match is not to replace her, it's to help you to detach and to give space, by realizing you're not alone, and that options DO exist for you.

--Accuray